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C
Just Said Yes May 2019

Help. He wants to go to the courthouse, i want an intimate wedding

Cara, on May 21, 2018 at 12:02 PM Posted in Planning 1 16
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We have been living with each other for 3 years, neither of us really cared about getting married (didn't have the religion aspect, nothing would really change what we already were doing). Until a couple weeks ago it was brought up and turns out we both had it in the back of our minds that getting married would be nice. We had a nice little discussion and decided that we would. Picked out some nice unique rings from etsy, told our families and started planning.

He said he didn't really care, told me to do what I wanted, his only stipulation was that he didn't want a large, traditional wedding (neither did I)

So far, we're inviting just family (under 40 guests), having it in my parents back yard (v. nice yard with a willow tree and a woods), no religion aspect of it, just a small "I do" and some food and drinks afterwards.

TODAY (at the ducking laundromat no less) he gets a little pissy with me, and says how I'm planning a traditional wedding with "lots" of people. Apparently he wants to literally go to the courthouse with two random witness and get married there and have a small party/reception afterwards. There's nothing wrong with this, but I want there to be at least *something special and personal about it. I'm close to my family and they are all very excited we are getting married and want to be a part of it!

When I tried to ask him how we'd compromise this, he just shrugged and said he didn't know.

Any ideas how to go about talking about this? Or how we could compromise? I figured my idea was already pretty small and intimate. I also think it's quite rude to invite these people to the celebration, but not to the "ceremony" (whole reason why we'd be celebrating)

16 Comments

Latest activity by Dhruv, on July 4, 2021 at 7:56 PM
  • R
    Savvy April 2019
    Radonna ·
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    We are having the same problem except he wants the bigger wedding 50 guest count. I want maybe 10 people there and a traditional wedding dress. My reason though is I grew up in foster homes and groups homes so I never got the chance to make real close friends and distant from my family so its matter for me that i dont want to cry cause i have 5 people there and the rest are for him which he reassured me is my family now too. So my suggestion is see if maybe there is underlying cause maybe why he doesnt .ive learned that communication is the key.we finally agreed no more than 25 guest and making rememberable for us
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  • Xandria
    VIP December 2018
    Xandria ·
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    Can you do the court house thing and then the exact same party in the backyard just without the ‘I do’s?


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  • C
    Just Said Yes May 2019
    Cara ·
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    That makes a lot of sense. Thanks Radonna! I'm glad you two were able to find your middle ground. I'll try and talk with him and see what we come up with.
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  • C
    Just Said Yes May 2019
    Cara ·
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    That's what he was saying, I just think it'd be a little rude. "Yeah, come party with us and bring gifts, but you aren't special enough to come see the whole reason we're celebrating"

    I really want my family to be there and share the 15 minute "moment" with us. I just don't see why we wouldn't invite them? It's not like it would cost us any more money.
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  • F
    Devoted August 2018
    futuremrs ·
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    Lmfao!!!!! I swear it sounds like you’re talking about my FH!!! If it was up to my FH we would of gotten married at town hall. But we both wanted a small, non-traditional wedding so we agreed on a small wedding, about 50 people and getting married at this cute inn out of state where we got engaged. But then I start planning and it’s like we need to pick out save the dates, DJ, I need a hair and makeup artist and every time I say something else we need he’s like ugghhhh this is turning into this whol big thing. I just keep telling him it’s not because we have a small guest list and these are things that have to get done no matter what, unless we did town hall which I don’t want. We booked our wedding for 8/25/18 and everytime he feels like it’s too much I just remind him that’s it’s not. I would try to see if there’s anything he wants at the ceremony or reception to get him excited about planning, like my FH really wants a cigar bar or a cigar roller so we are gonna try and make that happen. Good luck with planning and have fun!!
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  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
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    A courthouse wedding by definition is an intimate wedding, so you would both get what you want. You can do a courthouse wedding with just your parents in attendance (maybe add BM and MOH, usually the numbers are limited by space), then head to your parents back yard for a reception.

    It's not at all rude to have a larger reception if the ceremony is truly intimate.

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  • B
    Just Said Yes December 2019
    Briana ·
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    I would say to let him know this is what you want. When it comes to my groom, I tell him either let me do it how I want or we can call the whole thing off. He shouldn't ruin the time for you. He just should go along with it. It's your day.
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  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
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    It's also his day. I still can't figure out of your responses are serious or sarcastic.

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  • Swtnss238
    VIP May 2019
    Swtnss238 ·
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    Wow I hope shes being sarcastic. Surely she doesn't really speak to her FH like that.
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  • C
    Devoted April 2019
    Cheyenne ·
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    I guess he's just their to be a prop, if it's your day I imagine you could just marry yourself? Lol
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  • Mrs. Mecking
    Expert August 2018
    Mrs. Mecking ·
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    Hey! My FH and I are kind of a mix of you and your FH. We want something small and personal. We are getting married at the courthouse (on the date we met). Then we are doing a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant. Then an after party at our home with apps, drinks, and music. The ceremony and dinner will only include us, parents, siblings, and my aunt. The after party will have close friends we have made in our new city. I'm still getting my hair and makeup done, we're still getting flowers, a cake, and first dance, we still have everything any other wedding has just on a mush smaller scale.Since we don't live in the cities where the majority of our family lives we will be visiting them over the holidays to celebrate. Hope this helps!

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  • Kat
    Expert May 2019
    Kat ·
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    Just wanted to chime in and say I think inviting guests to your reception but not to the small ceremony beforehand is absolutely fine! I don’t think that’s rude at all.
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  • C
    Just Said Yes May 2019
    Cara ·
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    Thanks for all the advice guys! Don't really know where/why I had the idea about it being rude to invite to reception but not ceremony, but I'm glad there are people out there who don't think so! We've still got a ways to go - Thanks again for all the great input!
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  • Ali
    Savvy February 2020
    Ali ·
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    I'm so glad to have found this thread. A month into our engagement and we're having a very similar issue as you all. I want small (40-60) and he wants just us. I think we've found a compromise of a ceremony of just our parents and a reception of 40-50. I think I've found a great venue that would be exactly what I envisioned in just the right size. I hope that we can stay this course and not hit any more speed bumps about size, but to the other comments sometimes guys just don't realize all the things that need to happen regardless of it being 5 or 50.

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  • Maren
    Champion October 2021
    Maren ·
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    Hi Cara!

    I agree with the others. Like Muriel said, if the courthouse ceremony is truly intimate & the reception is for everyone, I think your guests will definitely understand. That way, it's a compromise: a small ceremony like he wants, and a party with more guests afterwards.

    This is a really helpful discussion, thank you for sharing Smiley smile

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  • D
    Dhruv ·
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    This is the Worst advise you can give.you always have to come to a middle ground.from your reply it’s clear you care only about yourself just wonder how would you feel? if your husband did the same just told you what he wants and said if you can’t then he is calling it off
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