Help! Our best man won’t come to the wedding because of his wife.

Wow that is really immature honestly... I’m wondering why you decided not to make her part of your bridal party? You’re still inviting her to most of the things..

View Quoted Comment I made her not apart of my party because I don’t know her that well. I’ve only been around her or have hung out with her because I was with my fiancé. Now when she invited me to be apart of her wedding I did step up and was there for her. Even though I was completely unaware of why I was being chosen to begin with. I was only pushed into inviting her to most things because my fiancé’s brother was threatened multiple times to not go to things since she wasn’t a bridesmaid. I have been strong armed by her and her family for all these other events because of me not reciprocating her with being a bridesmaid.

I didnt invite his brothers wife either. (His brothers best man) I didnt include her either in the bachelorette party. Its your wedding. She can get over it

At the end of the day it's your wedding and I do NOT think you did anything wrong, but I can also see how this would hurt her feeling although she's taking it further then needed, when it comes to my family which would include my FH's brothers wife I would have just put her in especially if she put me in hers and it was important to my FH's brother.

Yes she's being immature but if just putting her in my wedding would avoid all the drama that's what I would have done.

I understand what you’re saying. After I initially picked my bridesmaids I thought of just adding her to avoid the drama, but the more I keep trying to work with her the more of a wedge she put between us. After seeing her true colors it has made both my fiancé and I uncomfortable and we both decided that she cannot be a bridesmaid. I don’t want someone in my party that isn’t supportive of my relationship or isn’t a good friend to me.

You do not have to choose her at all of you do not want to. Weddings do not have to be exactly the same. And it sounds awfully immature of her to 1, not attend and 2, tell your brother that he can’t attend. She sounds very manipulative and your brother needs to stand up for himself as he is a grown man. I have never told my FH that he cannot participate in something just because I am not. For example last night he went to a bachelorette party for one of his best friends and he is part of the wedding and I am not. No problem with me. Sorry that you have to deal with her drama.

View Quoted Comment Oh ok I see.. at the end of it it’s tour wedding and she should understand that... she shouldn’t expect something out of someone just because she did it too.. she’s being very immature and unfair by telling her husband she can’t go either.. I still wouldn’t include her because now you’ve seen what she’s really about, I wouldn’t want someone like that in my wedding either... I guess just deal with the drama and carry on.. good luck!!

She's being ridiculous and petty. Honestly if your FH's brother decides not to do things because of her that's on him. If he wants to be there he will be. There's not much you can do, it's really between his brother and his wife. Same with the rest of the family, if they want to be there they will.

I'll never understand women that tell their SO's that they can't do something. Are there things I don't like my FH doing? Of course. But we have a discussion and come to a compromise, I wouldn't just flat out tell him he can't do something. And I know if I ever did he would still do what he wants. Hopefully your FH's brother can make her see that she's being selfish.

Side note. I had something similar happen to me. My FH's cousin's fiance asked me to be her maid of honor. We never hung out outside of holidays and family events. I said yes because I felt bad, if she was asking me to be such an important role then she must not have that many close friends, so I was willing to help her. We got engaged about two months after them and I didn't include her in my wedding party. Fast forward almost a year, they are a mess with planning, keep moving the date and say they're "making changes". I see a friend of hers that shes known for years but have had many falling outs with tag her and my FH's cousin in a picture on FB of her asking her to be her maid of honor. So I commented on it saying I guess I'm not your maid of honor anymore. Basically she was salty I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. I tried to be nice but I definitely alluded to the fact that I only accepted because I felt bad. I'm not going to have someone in my wedding party just because I was asked to be in theirs. My best friend from when I was 6 didn't ask me to be in hers, she has 3 sisters and a cousin that was in hers, but she's in mine, and I'm not mad at her for it, it was what she wanted. It's about what you want, not them. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but try not to let it ruin your day and remember what the day is really about!

Wow, how immature. Stand your ground, it’s too late to do otherwise. If you had time and it was extremely important to FH I could see caving in for his sake, but that’s a slippery slope too.
unfortunately these things happen with wedding parties. Why I don’t know. But they do. I lost one of my very best friends over notmpicking her to be moh for my last wedding.
I had an interesting thing with our best mans wife. We are having a semi formal wedding and all the guys were asked to wear a black suit of their choosing. Best mans wife flipped out and said he would NOT wear a “monkey suit” for our wedding because he didn’t wear one for theirs. She said she would choose what he wore and it would be tasteful. Excuse me?!? Best man messaged us both apologizing and said he would be there in the suit no matter the fight.
i told him I didn’t want to be in the middle of it but I felt terrible for him that he was married to a woman who was so petty and controlling.
She “agreed” to “allow” him to wear the suit as long as she took him out in it somewhere nice. 🙄
people can be so stupid.

Your FH’s brother is the problem here. I understand his wife’s feelings are hurt, but he is driving his own wedge between him and your FH by allowing his wife’s feelings to dictate how he handles this situation. He easily could have said “I understand you’re upset you weren’t included in the wedding, but this is my brother and this is important to me”. He’s obviously not doing that so either A) he lets his wife steamroll him like this about everything or B) your wedding, and his brother, aren’t actually that much of a priority for him.

My one friend backhandedly mentioned that being in someone's wedding means they should be in yours while we were discussing my bridal shower/her other friends getting married who didn't invite her to anything. She moved to Florida btw. I don't see it that way. We were a lot closer when I was in her wedding and she lived here. It's not that way anymore plus I've always had my 3 other main friends and sister.

I think maybe your FH's brother's wife feels slighted because of the whole "you're family" thing. She included you even though you both weren't very close and now you aren't including her. Question: Were you and your FH merely boyfriend and girlfriend when the brother's wife asked you to be in her wedding party? I think that's very generous of her if that were the case because you weren't technically bonded in to the family (If you were engaged disregard last). But if you weren't I could see where the frustration lies, although I wouldn't act that way.

I feel like that is really stupid and judgemental on her part. You can maybe have her be a greeter or something that’s what I am doing with both of my brothers girlfriends

Luckily, you have quite a bit of time for this situation to change. Maybe by that time she will come around. There is no obligation when choosing a bridal party to choose someone because they chose you.

My advice would be, don't feel bad about your choice. Stick to your guns. And maybe kindly reach out at some point and let her know that you wanted a small party and couldn't choose everyone you wanted, but you'd feel so terrible if she didn't come to your wedding because you value the relationship you have with her. To try and smooth things over.

View Quoted Comment

Add this to my original thoughts. I agree!

Why would you plan another bachelorette night and not just invite her to the Vegas one?

My future brother in law is married to a psycho. She's controlling, manipulative, paranoid and irrational about every little thing. He's turned into a shell of the man he used to be over the course of their 10 year marriage...for example, she goes through his phone on a regular basis and always finds something to fight over, so he occasionally will stop paying the bill and just NOT HAVE A PHONE for weeks on end. Because it makes his life easier.

Everyone in his life despises this woman. She's unwell and is a cancer to him. BUT I'm inviting her to my wedding. Why? Because I can't risk her not letting him come to the wedding because she's not included, it would break my FH heart!

Thankfully we're only having two friends in our parties, so there's no wondering why she's not a bridesmaid. But if it's important to your FH that he's there, I say discuss it with him and figure out what you guys need to do to get his best man to the wedding!

LOL is this real? I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't believe a grown woman is throwing a fit like this. Like why would she expect to be a part of your party. WOW. I'm so sorry

You did nothing wrong by not having her in your BP and I think it's great you've invited her to other things to prevent her from feeling left out. She needs to grow up and realize that not everything is about her.

WOuld you be willing to invite her to the first bachelorette in Vegas? Maybe that's what her jealousy/insecurity is stemming from? Her hubby going off to Vegas.

You should have in your BP only people who you want there 100%. This is of course, solely your decision to make. Brother’s wife is obviously being overly dramatic. However, I feel like you’re being petty as well.

Having a separate bachelorette to have her attend, instead of just inviting her to your main bachelorette party, is strange. Why do this? Either invite her or don’t. Bachelorette party isn’t exclusive to only BP.

Also if you already planned on inviting her family to the wedding before, why not be a bigger person & still invite them, as planned? If they decide not to come, then that’s on them. But by you now not inviting them you’re playing petty games, just like she is. I would make choices that I’m proud of, regardless of how others choose to behave.

You say you love your FBIL dearly, but you barely know his wife & now FBIL is threatening not coming. And you say she cannot be BM because she doesn’t support your relationship. That all sounds little strange, as if there is much more to the story.

I’m saying all this because you asked for help on how to handle the situation. I believe thinking about these points, that caught my attention as a neutral observer, would help you find the best solution with minimal drama. Good luck!

If you were going to let her get ready with you and you were going to have a second bachelorette so she could attend, you may as well have had her in the WP! Perhaps you could include her in some other way?? But since you agreed and were in hers I can see why she was under the impression you would ask her (unless something drastic happened between her wedding and now)

Sorry you’re dealing with this. Even though you aren’t close I would ask her to get a coffee and or a drink and discuss this with her. You don’t owe her an explaination but since she’s family I would try and talk it out. You wanted her at the wedding but opted to have a bridal party that didn’t include her. I’m not sure why you need to have a separate Bach party to include her instead of inviting her to Vegas (esp since her husband is going) but that’s your choice. I don’t know the full context you your relationship but she seems hurt that you didn’t include her (not that you have to) so speaking to her about it might calm the dramatics down.