Help regarding my sister

My mom is adamantly against this at all impacting any wedding plans (she has a lot of guilt over not intervening when my sister was a teenager because she treated me poorly). I am stuck in a bit of a conundrum because all of my other bridesmaids want to plan my bachelorette party but are of course waiting for my sister to move forward with plans.

At this point, I would prefer to just postpone any sort of showers/bachelorette parties for if/when my sister is up to it. Problem is that our wedding is in April and I can't imagine that she will have such a huge turnaround in a few months.

I'm having a lot of issues decided how to talk to my mom about this. My sister's health and happiness far outweighs any sort of party. However, even when my mom called to tell me about the suicide attempt and my sister's hospitalization, she started telling me about how a dress that my sister had ordered had come in and how beautiful she would look standing up there with me.

How do you think I should go about addressing this? I actually didn't want to have a wedding party in the first place (just my sister and my fiance's brother up there with us), but my fiancé's one big request was a big wedding party (I talked him down to just 6 fortunately!). I could, of course, just tell all of my bridesmaids about my sister's depression and they would totally understand any changes that needed to be made or cancelling a bachelorette party, however I don't want to violate my sister's trust since my relationship with her is worth more than all the others combined. I am already planning to tell one of them (best friend from high school who is very good with advice) and will probably tell my future sister in law in very general terms (she knows some about my sister's issues but not the more recent extent of them- I'll just say that her anxiety has gotten a lot worse).

The other issue is how to deal with my future mother in law. She is an extremely career driven person and is very outspoken. She has harassed my sister about getting a real career before and makes comments about the way she dresses (which has deteriorated because of the depression). However, she is also a bit socially inept (I think she probably has a degree high functioning autism/PDD-NOS) and my fiancé really does not think it is a good idea at all to tell her about this, and I agree. Other than just keeping them in separate places, which will not be easy at all, I am not sure what to do. I really don't think it is good for my sister right now to have people harassing her about her life.

Sorry this rambles on, I am obviously still processing a lot and am still in a state of shock from nearly losing my sister. Any advice/comments are appreciated, but please be kind and do not insult me. I am trying to be very sensitive to my sister as she is so much more supportive, but at the same time we do have to move forward with wedding plans.

I'm sorry that your sister is going through this! Depression is incredibly difficult to go through and it is difficult on the people around as well. I would suggest that you put off the bachelorette and shower activities. It's a hard balancing act at some points on how to deal with things. You can't stop everything wedding related, but for now you may want to limit how much you talk about it. You do want to be there and be supportive of your sister.

For now I would suggest holding off on the bridal shower and bachelorette stuff, don't mention it to your FMIL and sit down to talk to have a heart to heart with your mom about the situation. If you both are on the same page then you can be supportive together for your sister and of each other. It can get overwhelming. Take it one day at a time and you'll make it through. Be there for your sister and for your mom and hopefully atleast your mom will do the same. If not, I've seen the support from these men on women on WW, we'll be here.

ETA words

I have no useful advice, but wanted to say I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this, and I'll be keeping you and your sister in my thoughts.

I'm so so sorry. I know what she is going through. I say move forward with your plans/showers the other girls have planned. Invite your sister but explain to her that although you would love here there you understand if she isn't up for it. Then maybe plan a day for just the two of you non wedding related. Spend as much time with her as you can and keep reinforcing how much you love her. Try not to talk about the wedding in front of her unless she asks. All you can do right now is be her biggest supporter. As for your FMIL you need to ask FH to tell her to back off. She has no right treating your sister this way. It's none of her business what is going on but she needs to be made aware that she is causing terrible problems for her. I'm so sorry your family is going through this.

I'm usually quite sympathetic to the in laws of the brides on here, but I'd tell your FMIL to take a flying leap if she dared to treat my sister that way. That is not okay and your FH needs to nip that in the bud right now. If it was me, if your FH didn't put an end to that, I would postpone/call off the wedding. That's how important my sister is to me. Your sister is sick and your FMIL is making her sicker. You need to put your foot down and give your FMIL a no-nonsense wake-up call that her behavior is uncalled for and will NOT be tolerated. Period. End. Of. Story. And if your FH isn't on-board with that, I would seriously rethink your relationship.

As to your wedding, you can't stop living your life because of your sister's illness. In the long run, you will resent her if you do. Be mindful of her feelings, but go ahead with your plans while being sensitive to how she responds to it. I think you're an awesome sister and I would bet your sister does too. Good luck.

You have a few months before really worrying about showers and the bachelorette. Your sister could make huge strides in this time. I work in a medical field and have seen it happen with intensive therapy and medication oversight. Whether or not your sister improves greatly, you need to go forward with your wedding plans. It's unfair to your FH and yourself to not enjoy this time and these experiences. You need to live your life and keep on working on your relationships and career. Don't feel guilty about those successes. Whether or not you had them, your sister would still have mental health issues. Perhaps your BMs would enjoy taking over planning the bachelorette. It could be a low key night of dinner and drinks out. Your sister may or may not be healthy enough to participate. Just remember, you have years and years to live and you can not live your life fully always wondering how your sister will react to your life events. Please be kind to yourself and don't make any rash decisions. You are still adjusting to your sister's illness. I wish you, and her, the very best in the next few months.

I am sorry your sister is going through this and she is lucky to have you care so much about her. However, your wedding (or anything you do) is not the cause of your sister's struggles and changing your plans will not make her better. You should move forward with wedding plans. Be there for her. If it seems like wedding talk makes her happy, talk wedding. If it seems like it adds to her stress, don't. You don't plan your showers and Bach party, your family and friends do (or they don't, no one is obligated). Let them do their thing, you keep on wedding planning and being there for your sister. Listen to her, support her, but altering your life plans will NOT help her in the slightest. Doing that could actually make things worse.

Elizabeth - I understand the harsh reaction and I should clarify a bit. The comments about the way she dresses are very recent and he did tell her not to say that. Again, she is very socially inept and she really doesn't process it when people tell her to not say certain things. In terms of the career aspect, my mom (until very recently) agreed with her and always backed her up/ encouraged my sister to listen. She did it in a helpful way (she is a professor and she offered to set my sister up with a job at the university so she could take free classes and my FMIL would provide all the books). I think a lot of my sister's anxiety is caused by her place in life right now, and honestly I do think that it would help her tremendously to have more direction in at least one aspect (not at this moment obviously, but for her future). Regardless, I guess what I am asking is how to move forward with just telling her not to talk to my sister. But yes, you are right he needs to be very direct, however his mom is very intelligent and will immediately start asking a million questions about why she can't talk to my sister, especially since my mom has encouraged her before. If we just flat out tell her that she is mentally ill and she can't talk about personal things, she will listen (we did this regarding another one of my family members and she was very respectful) but I know my sister would not want her personal life discussed like that. I live in a different city than my parents & sister so fortunately it won't be an issue often (probably not even until the wedding- even then my FMIL will definitely be stressed out enough with her role to not really talk to anyone) so perhaps it is a moot point anyway. I just think we need to come up with some other excuse (like say that she and her boyfriend broke up - which is true - and she's really upset and needs positive comments only). My fiancé is really concerned and supportive and definitely will be willing to back me up on whatever we decide to do.

Going to the chapel - thank you for the encouragement. She actually did make enormous strides on one medication but she had terrible stomach pain from it so she stopped. Her attempted suicide was right after she switched to another med, so we are really hoping that her psych finds something that works well very soon. I really really hope that she does. I can't imagine living with such terrible anxiety/depression as she has and I know that something needs to change ASAP because none of us were surprised that she became suicidal based on how she was behaving (we didn't realize that she had become suicidal obviously, but I had been terrified about it for the past two months).

Ashley M - yes, I am not talking at all about wedding stuff in front of her. I am definitely planning to tell my mom that I really don't think she should hear anything about it right now either. My parent's were planning to come down in a couple weeks to meet with our officient and go dress shopping for my mom but they are either going to cancel or bring my sister too (she is moving back home with them when she is discharged) and just turn it into a family vacation weekend instead of a wedding planning one.

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I have bipolar disorder and have also had a few suicidal attempts. My severe depression lasted about 4 months before I was given the right combination of medication. The right medications really helped me turn my life around and got me out of that dark space. Its been about 6 months since my last depressive episode and I feel great. Is your sister diagnosed with depression and seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? If she's open to it, medication really does help and insurance covers mental health as well. I was really anti-pills before but its done wonders for me. I wish you the best of luck!

Tam P- thanks for sharing. I'm very sorry that you went thru that but it is very encouraging to know that the medications helped so much. She is open to meds, just hasn't found the right one(s) yet. This suicide attempt was right after a medication change so I think that's what triggered it. The hospital that she is at now is trying a new combination which seems to be helping some. I really hope that she gets better soon. This extreme paranoia/anxiety has been going on since January. The depressive mood (from what I can tell at least) has been going on since March. I can't imagine feeling that way for so long.