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Nicole
Beginner July 2022

Help! (trigger warning)

Nicole, on February 3, 2021 at 12:04 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 20
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So my dad was uninvited to my wedding after what he said on thanksgiving. But I haven’t told him. (He terrifies me. Abuse as a child). He made a comment in front of my children(one who was also the birthday girl) about their race and how he wants grandchildren that are all white. I’ve drawn the line and told myself I was done. I won’t allow my children to be treated like that by family especially. I was planning on just not saying anything and not inviting him. Whether I tell him or not its still going to be a big mess. He will still throw his tantrum and I will still get cussed out and still not be able to talk to my step mom. What do I do? I could invite him but my birth mom will be there and he will start a fight with her and make a scene. And when he finds out she is coming I’ll hear the yelling from him. (Sorry for the long post. Thank you if you read this far. )

20 Comments

Latest activity by Liz, on February 3, 2021 at 7:12 PM
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Woah that was uncalled for. Good for you for not tolerating that.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Regardless of what a petson wants with descendents, it's inappropriate to discuss it around children. Especially if intentions are not genuine and sounds like his aren't. So sorry and it's really his loss. His grandkids are amazing no matter what color they are.
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  • Nicole
    Beginner July 2022
    Nicole ·
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    It definitely was. I could t believe it. I just got up and left. Like I know it’s his opinion and he can have it but to say it in front of my kids is what made me mad. They are old enough to remember and my son has already dealt with his race with school so family is the last person they should hear that from. And now I’m just dealing with anxiety attack after anxiety attack because he’s gonna know at some point and I don’t want the backlash.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I have an opposite fear. My FH and I are both Black and his parents prefer having bi racial grandchildren. I already know they will not favor any kids we have. His two older brothers make disturbing comments frequently saying "Black womem are ugly." I wish fh would agree to move to either DC or Mississippi (I used to live in both places) and they are much better area to raise black children in. He refuses though 😭😭😭
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  • Nicole
    Beginner July 2022
    Nicole ·
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    Exactly. My kids already deal with their father being a narcissist they don’t need to deal with their maternal grandfather being one as well on top of being racist. (He yelled at me for wearing a BLM shirt because he thinks I don’t think my life matter. )
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  • Nicole
    Beginner July 2022
    Nicole ·
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    Wow. That’s terrible. I can’t believe the world we live in honestly. It sucks.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Do.not invite him. You said he is racist toward them and abusive to you. That doesn't earn an invitation to any event. That does earn a no contact cut all ties expulsion from your life for your safety and sanity.
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  • Nicole
    Beginner July 2022
    Nicole ·
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    I agree. But unfortunately I feel this way because of him. The abuse left me feeling wrong all the time. I know for this I’m right but I feel wrong. I’m also sad I don’t get my dad to walk me like other brides (I cry when I see it). (That’s also what my therapist says lol)
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    He is wrong. Not you. You didn't cause this to happen. It's ok to feel sad that you don't have the "ideal". Do you have someone else special who could walk you down the aisle who loves and supports you unconditionally?
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  • Nicole
    Beginner July 2022
    Nicole ·
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    I do. My grandfather if he is still able and if not then one of my brothers. (I believe the oldest). Which coincidentally was treated the same because he is gay. So we completely, well almost completely, understand the hate.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Embrace the camaraderie that you have and eliminate the toxicity from your lives. Your wedding should be a happy event
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Bro sounds a good choice, understanding the fear and horror from the inside out.
    Tell father he can have his wish. Because you will never want him to see your children, and bring his poison into the family you and your husband have. Ever. Do it ASAP. And make sure it is tied to his nasty behavior. Not a wedding thing. Cutting out the cancer, or poison, and don't ever want it back.
    You will have such a feeling of relief. Try not to discuss it with other people. Just, Dad and I have not gotten on for years and years, and I do not want to talk about it. Really, you want them not to try and fix things, and do not want to give him a forum for talking about things, with other people. Get past this, and you will feel better.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    I'm sorry he's so awful.

    You do need to talk to him. Your daughter needs to hear you stand up for her. Also, if you do not say anything, he will continue to behave like this.

    I know this is hard. I do suggest more counseling to help you build your confidence, practice what you will say, and help you manage your emotions to exit the conversation without showing him how he hurts you.

    "Your granddaughter and myself were hurt by your comment. This was the last comment in a lifetime of comments and behavior that hurt me or my children. As long as you continue to behave and speak like this, it is no longer safe to be in your presence. Good bye."

    There is no need to have someone who is abusive towards you and your children, not to mention racist, at your wedding. Even if they are "family". (True family, family that cares? They do not treat you like this.)

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I think you are making the right move. I would tell him otherwise you will have to deal with him showing up unannounced at the wedding. I'd tell him something like "do to the way you treat my kids and the disgusting comments you make about my kids you are unwelcomed at the wedding".
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Don’t invite him to the wedding. Or anything else. It’s hard to do, and you’ll figure it out in your own time, but here is a truth: you don’t have to be social with anyone who is mean to you. That’s it. People who are mean to you don’t get to share your joys.
    They don’t even have to agree, no need to convince them. They just aren’t part of the equation.
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  • Katherine
    Expert October 2021
    Katherine ·
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    I would not tolerate that at all! Obviously he's going to cause a scene invited or not so I'd chose the scene not to be caused at the wedding. Ur wedding should be drama free. If he can't accept his grandkids he wouldn't be apart of the wedding, u or the kids life in general. You mentioned ur step mom.. maybe you can just invite her if you want her there but definitely mention that he is unwelcome.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    Someone who has abused you and made racist comments about your children does not get an invite to your wedding. Period. End of story.

    You do not need this person in your life. If you are fearful that they will react in a way that will be violent towards you or your family, consult a professional (lawyer, women's shelter staff, etc) and consider getting a restraining order/no contact. But if you are just concerned they will be angry and make a scene about it, trying to avoid that drama is not a reason to invite them to your wedding.

    Don't invite him. Don't see him. Don't bring your children around him.

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  • Nicole
    Beginner July 2022
    Nicole ·
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    I’d love to just invite my step mom however if he can’t go he won’t allow her to. (Yes I said allow, she can’t do things unless he says she can. )
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  • Katherine
    Expert October 2021
    Katherine ·
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    That's terrible.. I'm sorry! I wouldn't allow him to be at the wedding tho and start trouble. It's a night you want to remember forever for all good reasons.
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  • Liz
    Devoted June 2021
    Liz ·
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    He does not deserve the right to walk you down the aisle. I know this is hard and it sucks but for your mother’s sake and kids sake he should not be there. Bless you and good luck.
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