Holiday Family Drama

Hopefully this doesn’t sound too harsh, but you have kind of created this situation by not being honest. You need to be honest with your mother and stepfather about the real reason you both will not be spending Thanksgiving with them. You need to set boundaries with your family NOW, or else this behavior is going to continue and destroy your relationship with them and/or your fiancé. Both of their behavior (your step father’s refusal to not talk politics and your mother’s disrespectful comments about your fiancé) is unacceptable and you need to grow some courage, act like a confident adult, and put your foot down with them. All you’ve done by lying is create an even worse situation.

View Quoted Comment That’s the thing though. I did talk to my fiancé about this. Politics being brought up is the main reason for my fiancé not attending. No I did not tell my mom that, I told her the other reason why my fiancé wants to do Thanksgiving with his family. Which he has expressed after we talked that it was not right of me to accept my parents invite to Thanksgiving without talking to him about it first. I am trying to figure out how we can do both Thanksgiving’s though. Dinner at my parents is 3pm, dinner at my fiancé’s parents is 5pm, and it is about a 30-45min drive. Out of all of our families my fiancé and I are the only ones who don’t work from home and who don’t order groceries online to have them delivered. So for us spending Thanksgiving at both houses, there would be little chance if someone caught anything it would spread.

I agree this drama has gotten out of control. Maybe considering all things given; covid, politics, wedding planning, etc. maybe this year you and your FH spend thanksgiving just with each other and stay home. That way there isn’t any more drama, and you can always use the covid excuse as a very good reason. In the future, if thanksgivings are always at the same times, maybe consider alternating holidays.. so thanksgiving with your mom next year, then his family the year after, etc.. That’s probably not the advice you want to hear, but all things considered from a bystander point of view, that’s what I would do in your situation.

First of all, people in their late 60s aren't old. Not anymore, unless they have massive health issues.

Secondly... if he's worried about them getting COVID, he needs to *stay away* from them and not expose them - or himself!

Third... nope, everyone needs to be brutally, uncompromisingly honest in this situation.

Fourth, if you don't defend your FH, now, it's going to blow up in your face in a few years, and it will kill your relationship.

I think the best thing all around is for the two of you to stay home this year.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé and I talked about it. We decided on election years, we are not doing Thanksgiving with my family. Well starting after this year.

View Quoted Comment I tried defending my fiancé. That’s the thing though, I can’t even stand up to my family, I cowered to them. Not that there is anything scary about them. I am one of those people pleasers, if my family is not happy due to something I did, it upsets me. I don’t like the feeling of knowing I upsetted them, it makes me feel like a terrible person, plus the guilt eats me up inside. I guess that is why I let them control me/walk all over me. I get mad at my fiancé for standing up for me. Because my family always takes it the wrong way, they see it as him being rude and disrespectful. Not he is defending me. Because they can’t see they are doing anything wrong.
With the Covid thing, it is just because his dad had pneumonia and had to be hospitalized already. So my fiancé is afraid his dad can get pneumonia again plus Covid this time before a vaccine comes out. Since pneumonia and Covid together killed both my grandpa and uncle.

View Quoted Comment Do not feel guilty about setting boundaries.
They will get mad at you for it, but setting boundaries will keep you healthy. You will feel better, and less guilty, because you will be in control.

As someone who has also been hospitalized with pneumonia, I barely go anywhere, and our bubble is very small. We are still debating a delayed Thanksgiving of 6 people and a dog.
Honestly, it's *not safe* to be around high- risk people right now.

Def agree with others, set boundaries. I posted a similar post about politics and my marriage. Well this leaks into holidays too..hubby's family is pro trump and I'm pro biden. They drag politics into every family setting...holiday, birthday, etc. We set a time limit. We stay for 2 hours then go home. It works for us because hubby sees his family before they annoy him too much and I can tolerate 2 hours. Or if I feel disrespected I say something because holidays arent about bashing each other for individual beliefs. Set limits and boundaries first. I would be upset if my family called my hubby a whimp. I would firmly put my foot down with this before it gets out of control and worse.

This is the beginnings of it blowing up in your face... You need to set your boundaries & have your FH’s back, not just thinking it, feeling it but actually doing it.

This is such a mess from so many angles.

Your stepfather shouldn't be bringing up politics if he knows it's going to cause conflict.

Your fiance sounds rather self-righteous to say he's going to tell your stepdad why his opinions are wrong and your FI's opinions are right.

Your mom has no business being upset that your FI wants to spend at least part of the day with his family. You're spending the day with your parents, right?

What do YOU want to do? Figure that out, and go from there.

Your fiance wanting to spend the holiday with his family means he's a momma's boy who needs to cut the cord? Does she also think that you wanting to spend the holiday with your family means that you're a momma's girl who needs to cut the cord? I doubt it. She's being hypocritical and controlling.

You really need to learn to set boundaries with your family and to not let it get to you when they get upset and try to guilt you into giving in to what they want. You and your fiance are a team and need to present a united front about your decisions. It will cause problems in your marriage if you continue to let your family walk all over and control you. The nasty comments about your fiance should not be tolerated.

I agree with the others that the best possible solution would be for you and your FH to spend Thanksgiving alone (just the two of you) this year. All of this drama has gotten out of control and don't forget that we're in the middle of a pandemic!

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. Honesty and setting boundaries is key.

If that was my mom's response to me telling her that my fiance wants to spend Thanksgiving with his family, we would have serious problems. That's so disrespectful to your fiance. And you not standing up for him in this case is equally disrespectful.

Remember that you and your FH are becoming one. The union that you are entering with him is deeper then your family. You two are becoming your own family. Your your mother said was disrespectful to YOUR family. Protecting your family is your job. Cant please everyone anymore. YOUR family has to come first.

Your lack of boundaries is alarming. This is a giant mess you could have avoided. Are you going to let your family run you and FH the rest of your life? That won’t go well in the future. Why do you need to explain why either of you come or go to any function in the first place. Yes or no should be enough. Giving your family the opportunity to knit pick and be disrespectful to your FH is not acceptable. Ironic your mom said he needs to cut the cord because really it’s you who needs to cut the cord. Best of luck.

So was the explanation that you gave your parents totally true? Or was it embellished in an attempt to evoke sympathy (and it backfired)? I’m really sorry to say but... Sadly your parents don’t realize that they’re calling your FH a wimp who needs to cut the chord, when that term should actually be directed at you. By not being honest, you’re perpetuating the situation. But more than that, it sucks that you don’t have you FH’s back and that you quietly stand by as your parents disrespect him. If that doesn’t change, your mom might be correct that the marriage won’t last. Although Thanksgiving is today and you made your decisions to celebrate separately, it’s not too late for you to have an honest conversation with them and clear the air before Christmas.