How much say does the bride get in her bridesmaids appearance?

I don't know if "dictate" is the right word, but some things are fine to ask, as long as you pay for them. For example, we're having a very upscale black tie wedding, so it's important to me that my bridesmaids have their hair and makeup professionally done. I'm not going to dictate their hair style or makeup look, but I'm definitely covering the costs. I'm also treating them to manis and pedis the day prior, because I have a certain color of polish in mind. For dresses, I selected a designer, fabric, and color and my girls were free to choose any style of dress by that designer that fit the criteria. They all have different body types so I needed to give them some leeway to select dresses that would work with their (very different) figures. The dresses are long so they can wear whatever shoes they want. I haven't made up my mind about jewelry yet, but if I decide that I'd like them to match, then of course I will pay for the jewelry as well. The way I see it, makeup can be taken off, hair styles can be taken down, and nail polish can be rubbed off with remover. Because I'm paying for all of these things (and I'll still be letting them select their hair style and look) I feel comfortable with my requests. But I would never dream of asking someone to change their hair color or get a spray tan--that would cross the line big time. Asking someone to lose weight is just plain offensive.

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I agree that you should hear out a bridesmaid if she pushes back on a request, and should accommodate her. I wouldn't agree on insisting a bridesmaid get a spray tan or wear 6 inch heels if she feels uncomfortable in doing so, though I wouldn't think lesser of a bride who merely asks this.

But I've never understood this whole "bridesmaids aren't props" argument. If you are picking out their dresses, you are still choosing a grown woman's outfit. You choose the color of her dress because you like the color, or because it matches the theme. Even the most basic reasonable request of picking out a dress is still an aesthetic choice made by the bride. Part of a bridesmaid's role is aesthetic.

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I get that I'm in a minority here, but I don't think it is unreasonable for a bride to want her bridesmaid to get a spray tan. A spray tan fades within a few days, and if you really needed to you can scrub it off as soon as you want. I don't think it is that much of an ask. It isn't like being required to lose or gain weight months before the wedding. I don't see it as much different to insisting on a specific makeup look for a bridesmaid.

The bride gets to pick the dress (color/designer), The particular style may not be flattering on everyone due to different sizes.


The bride does not get a say in accessories or appearance beyond that. Some brides will buy jewelry, robes, etc as gifts that are actually props. Jewelry and shoes are a personal choice. Hair/nails/makeup, basically anything to do with the body, is also a personal choice and it is easy for the bride to overstep boundaries into areas that she has no business asking or dictating to change. Say the bridesmaid has a tattoo. It’s not offensive artwork but doesn’t match the bride’s Instagram vision. It would be overstepping for her to ask to have that covered because she accepted it as part of you when she asked you to be a bridesmaid.

View Quoted Comment By asking for a spray tan, you're basically telling your bridesmaid that their natural skin color isn't good enough for your wedding.

If you are paying for it, then I think insisting on a specific hairstyle, jewelry, makeup, shoes, manicure/pedicure, covering tattoos and spray tans are all on the table, and I think a bridesmaid is being unreasonable if she refuses, and she should have a good reason beyond just not liking how it looks. She can suck it up for one day.

I have to agree with Stephanie. I don't really see insisting on a spray tan as being unreasonable. I'm pale as can be, and I embrace my paleness. I'm not getting a spray tan for my own wedding, and I've only got them when I was a bridesmaid in someone else's wedding. But I still got one when they requested, their weddings aren't about me, or my style, it is about the bride, their vision and idea for THEIR wedding.

I’ve read some crazy things online that some brides want the bridesmaids to do, no questions asked and drop out if you can’t comply. and nearly all are overstepping. It would be a relationship deal breaker for many. Examples: dying hair, cutting hair, tattoo/piercing removal, lose weight, don’t get pregnant, tanning, artificial nails, artificial lashes, specific makeup looks/colors, etc

View Quoted Comment Agree with this. If you have an issue with someone’s physical appearance during the planning, why ask them to stand up as one of your attendants? A true friend is not going to have issue with their appearance in any way.

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This is spot on.

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The number of stories I've seen of bridesmaids being told not to get pregnant or being kicked out of a wedding because they got pregnant is astounding. "I want my day to be perfect, so don't start/grow your family" is next-level bridezilla and should not ever be tolerated.

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Yep, this. There is ZERO legitimate justification for claiming that a "bride's special day" will be negatively impacted by someone showing up with their natural skin color.

I asked that they wear boots and the color and style of dress the rest is up to them

To respond to the OP, I agree with most others that telling bridesmaids to buy a specific dress is fine (as long as it's within the budget of all attendants). Giving guidance on color of shoe (there's no reason to dictate specific shoes and everyone should want their bridesmaids to not have foot pain) and a general look for jewelry, hair and makeup are fine within reason (e.g., simple looks vs. glam; if someone never wears makeup, it's unkind to force them to wear it). And any required accessories should be paid for.

Once you verge into telling them to alter their appearance in ways that will last beyond the day, you are out of line. The most important thing to remember is that your bridesmaids' appearance won't really impact your day. But forcing them to get a spray tan, color their hair, wear painful shoes, unflattering dresses, etc. might just impact your relationships beyond the day. Is it worth it?

Think of the actual dress or suit as ceremonial garments. You choose those, the way a school chooses graduation gowns, hoods, mortar boards. The way various religious organizations choose black suits or cassocks or special hats and gowns. You may have them alike, or by function. Does a female on the groom's side dress in GM colors, or same as bridesmaid dress? you choose. Carrying a basket or parasol, you choose. But though you may make a suggestion, like I like romantic / modern haircuts, that is it. You do not have any say about hair, not cut color or style makeup, skin, facial hair, tattoos, scars or physical imperfections. Nor the personal jewelry, sentimental or engagement or wedding or family rings or medallions, or religious ones. You control only the wedding, ceremonial garments..... There has been a trend since tv got into weddings, to make it a celebrity entourage who surround yhe magic couple, doing anything and everything to make the bride's vision come true. For a bride to dictate every detail is completely opposite of lonstanding standards of good manners. Me, me, me has never been acceptable for a bride or a hostess or the eay a person treats their closest friends and family. The bride and groom do proplerly let the guests and their close friends and family the formality of the wedding. Then it is up to individuals to do as they will. They are adults and dress themselves. You may say, the Yaj ballroom only admits thpse in conventional black tie, if it is true. You may not set black tue as the formality, eheny you are javing a casual level of food and service, because B and G like it, though they are not paying for it....
Couples do not dictate the color or style of clothing, beyond formality. No requestion women wear black, or wear short hair and silver or pink flapper dresses.
The hosts may decorate the setting, but guests are not props for pictures. All these things are long term social etiquette, decades or centuries. TV considers setting people fighting to be drama. In fact, amongst close friends and family, it is mostly hurtful.

View Quoted Comment This is the most perfect comment. There’s literally nothing else I’d add to it.

The general rule I’ve seen is if you’re requiring something specific outside of the dress, the bride pays. I’ll be honest, I’m totally against brides dictating the appearance of a bridesmaid. I want my bridesmaids to feel beautiful, confident and not be clones of each other. I selected a dress color and length on Azazie and let my girls choose their style. You have to remember what fits one, will not fit another. Shoes requested neutral (gold,silver,nude). Hair and makeup are optional and they can wear their hair however they’d like. I did purchase them jewelry as part of their gift to wear the day of the wedding, but it’s very simple stud earrings and a dainty bracelet. Asking someone to get hair extensions, spray tans or to loose weight is absolutely insane.

If you are willing to pay for it, then you can, dictate hair, makeup, jewelry or shoes, the way you want. These are pretty basic requests. You can undo a hairstyle, take off makeup, jewelry or shoes once the day is done, I don't really see any reason for a bridesmaid to oppose this. I also don't really see what the big deal is in covering up a tattoo, people do that all the time.

If a bridesmaid is willing to dye or cut her hair, then that is fine, but I don't think you can make it a precondition of being part of a bridal party.

I can get why a bride would want her bridesmaids or a bridesmaid to be tanned for the wedding. But a spray tan involves you standing barefoot on a cold salon floor, wearing only a thong in front a total stranger. Not everyone will be comfortable with doing that. Maybe if you know your bridesmaids already get spray tans, you can request it of them.

I don't think there's a definite answer to this question, it's about knowing your bridesmaids.

Everyone is going to have a different approach on this based on style/taste, budget, and group number. I have 6 bridesmaids, so it's a little larger than your average party size, I suppose. One thing I'm big on is NEVER ask someone to lose weight for your wedding. Personally, I feel that's just mean. I asked for specific things, like a metallic heel (which is a standard item in many closets), for them to pay for their dresses, and hair. I'm covering the cost of makeup and day-of jewelry. It's super dependent on your comfort level and budget. As for hair and makeup preferences, it's important to ask your bridesmaids what they're comfortable with, to make sure you have a dress style(s) that work for various body types, and that everyone is communicating throughout the whole process. Hope that helps!

I am floored at spray tans. Just...that is incomprehensible to me. I think it must be an age group thing...or maybe my circle are all fuddy duddies. But I would think a friend was joking if she told me to get s spray tan.

Wearing a dress of the bride's choosing is pretty standard, picking out shoes or shoe color is also fair. If you want them to get their hair and makeup done professionally then pay for it. Anything to do with their appearance shouldn't take too long to undo.

But I think importantly be mindful of your bridesmaid's concerns. Sure it is easy to say, "suck it up, its my day" but a bridesmaid may have valid reasons for not wanting to wear something you pick out, or not wanting a hair and makeup look. You should be listening to your bridesmaids, and be willing to compromise.