How much to spend on a gift for a wedding i can’t attend?

I can't really answer your question of what would be "socially appropriate" to spend, but I can assure you that on no planet do you need to give a $1200 wedding gift for a distant friend. Since it's a distant friend and you aren't attending, I wouldn't even give a gift unless I was certain I wanted to try to grow the friendship.

Even if your circle customarily gifts an amount to cover catering, you aren’t attending, so there is no plate to cover.
Her family talking to you about the cost leaves a bad taste in my mouth as well. I’d feel so betrayed if my family were to be telling people - esp someone I hadn’t seen in a decade - the cost my wedding.
Send a gift, or don’t, but I doubt everyone will be giving a $1200 gift, that’s a lot of money.

How did the cost of plates come up in convo?! I’d send $100-200.

I'd send $100, but am dying to know what constitutes a $1,200 plate? Wagu beef and lobster?

Did you mean to type $100-120 per plate? If you’re not there enjoying the meal you don’t need to send any gift. A heartfelt card is nice. But if a close friend or colleague a small gift should be appreciated.

Socially appropriate gift is what you can afford/comfortable spending. And is the meal wagu covered in gold with crystal champagne flute?

Also, $1200/plate is different than $1200/head. My wedding was over $1200/head when it was all said and done but that was including florals, music, coordinator… regardless it’s really tacky for them to be sharing the cost of their wedding with guests. Maybe send $12.00

Spend what you can comfortably afford. Covering the plate is nonsense because it was created to weed out the guests who are not as well off as you. And unless the guest is specifically asked to pay the catering bill, the price per person is no one’s business other than the host’s because a wedding is not a fundraiser.

Even if you felt strongly about generally covering your plate, you don’t need to do that for a wedding you don’t attend as they’re not paying for your plate anymore , so shouldn’t even be a consideration. I too am very skeptical of the 1200 plate , that just doesn’t even seem feasible. Anyway if they choose to have a very expensive wedding, the burden of the cost is on them, not the guests, and it’s weird that they’re even talking about it. Just get that number out of your head.
A gift can be whatever you’re comfortable with. I usually factor my relationship with the couple in to gift calculations. Most weddings I can’t attend, I’d send $100. Distant relatives I haven’t seen in a while ? Maybe just $50, or a small gift off their registry. Or, maybe nothing at all. If I don’t really speak to you and haven’t seen you for a decade,I’m not sending you a present just because you put me on a guestlist.

For $1200 a plate, they better be getting the best food in the world that makes them poop gold. That seems extremely high. I calculated that at my wedding for 200 guests and spending $50,000 total it ends up only being $250/head.

View Quoted Comment I was pricing really nice venues in DC, and saw catering for around $500 for super swanky places. I thought that was kind of expensive Lol

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Someone in their immediate family told some friends, and word just spread. The bride's parents are independently literal millionaires (at least) I do wish I could go but the flight alone is too much for me!!

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I have no idea, but it's at a resort where the rooms cost about 3k/night so probably some super fancy stuff. Probably wagu beef and lobster!!!

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No it's really 1200/plate! & the rehersal dinner alone costs more than my 4 years of college

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I know, I'm not sure how it got to 1200 either. Maybe they are including all of the appetizers and alcohol. There's a pair of champagne flutes on the registry I think I'll go with

It's probably not $1200 a plate but rather $1200 if you divide the cost of the entire wedding among the number of guests in attendance. Unless all guests are being served gold leaf wrapped caviar on tomahawk steaks there is no way they are spending $1200 on just food, drinks, and service for each guest.

We served really high quality food and alcohol and landed at roughly $120 per person for the cost of meals, service, alcohol, bartending, and tips for those guest based services. However, because we had a small wedding each guest's "share" of the set expenses like venue, photography, and florals (those expenses that do not fluctuate based on the number of guests) is a lot higher. If we divide the cost for our wedding among the number of guests we had you'd end up with a per head cost of $510 per guest to host. The only person who gave us enough money to cover that "cost" was my mom.

You aren't obligated to send a gift at all, and if you feel like sending a gift you certainly don't need to worry about how much it costs for the couple to host you if you aren't even there. Send a small gift if you like.

View Quoted Comment Sounds perfect ! I prefer sending a registry gift when I don’t attend the wedding (no real reason just personal preference). Agree with the others, my guess would be that they must be including every dollar spent in that number (like food plus tables chairs venue…band/dj…photographer….everythingggg) …ex: my actual dinner cost like 38-45$ or something per person, but my total catering cost divided down to more like $135 per person (including staffing, linens, dishes, tables, dessert, apps, everything that came from the catering company), but then still, all in, if we divided everything we spent on the entire wedding (included tent and transportation, and a bunch of stuff not based on guest count) by every guest, it’s something more like $350 …..but that was definitely not the amount of anyone’s plate !

Honestly if they are just a distant friend, I would just send a card with like $25 in it or a giftcard for dinner somewhere. If I’m actually a friend I would send more but distant friend just sounds gift grabby but a small something is still nice and appreciated!