Hey girls,
I wanted to reach out to ask some advice because I'm feeling really hurt and confused about a potential strained relationship with my mother in law and I don't know what to do.
My amazing DH and I are newly married, and have been together seven years. My DH is one of four siblings, all who have husbands. Let's call my MIL Suzie. Over the years when we are all together for family gatherings, Suzie goes above and beyond to make my sister-in-laws' husbands feel welcome, get to know them better, buy them lavish gifts on their birthdays, take them out to dinner, etc. But after all these years of being together with my husband, she rarely (even in the beginning of the relationship) attempts to get to know me at all, or do any of those things. In addition to that, Suzie has made passive aggressive comments to me or about me in front of others that have been really hurtful that she claims are "jokes." Now that DH and I are married, the "comments" seem to come more frequently. In addition to that, his family seems to go out of his way to exclude me in family activities. Examples:
1. Last year DH and family invited me over for thanksgiving at Suzie's sisters' house (DH's aunt). When we were getting ready to leave, Suzie asked me "did you have a nice time?" and when I replied yes, thank you so much for having me, she proceeded to say "Nice! I have a great idea. Since you love it so much, why don't I just leave you here and the rest of us can go home? Ha ha ha just kidding." Additionally, as we began to ride home in the family van with all four siblings in it, she proceeded to talk about how her three daughters were the "cutest couples in the family" and I was just "ok, not that great."
2. At our engagement party when my best friend and Bridesmaid asked me "are you getting excited for the wedding?" at the dinner table, Suzie then turned around to us and said "Trust me, it gets old fast. After ten years of being together, you're going to need a ton of alcohol."
3. When we stayed at DH's family summer home I spotted mice in one of the bedrooms and I immediately told her and she said "ok thank you for letting me know," only for her to turn around and tell DH later "Omg, she's being ridiculous, there are no mice down there. She's just trying to make things hard for me." Meanwhile, a year later, when my SIL brought her cats over to visit, they caught a ton of them in that same room.
4. For my bridal shower she and her daughters left an hour early and all they got us was a cheap 15 dollar blanket, not offering at all to help my mom with the shower or come up to me and say congratulations.
5. On our wedding day when we were all getting ready at my house, Suzie asked me "Are you excited for the wedding?" When I told her yes, in front of everyone she boldly stated "Yeah, about that, I don't really feel like there should be a wedding. Let's just call the whole thing off." When I stared at her blankly she then retorted "Hahaha, I just wanted to see your reaction, SO FUNNY," I politely excused myself and went downstairs. My sister in laws pulled her outside on the lawn and one of my bridesmaids happened to overhear that they were talking about what happened. Later on my parents said not once throughout the day did Suzie go up to them and say two words, like "hi how are you, thank you so much, we're so excited for DH and me, etc."
6. At family Christmas this year (we celebrated early) I got her what I thought to be a really thoughtful custom ornament with her favorite family picture on it. She said "oh yeah, thanks," while turning around and making a quiet remark to one of her daughters "yeah I'm not going to hang this every year." Meanwhile, one of her other daughters got her another ornament an hour later, and she ooo-ed and ahh-ed over it, turning in my direction and saying "and this is porcelain."
7. We celebrated my sister in law's birthday this year and we were trying to coordinate what time to come over earlier in the week and my husband said "my mom will text you and let you know." I waited all week; nothing. The day of the party Suzie said "oh you can come at 5pm." Meanwhile I learned from a family friend at the party that everyone had come over hours prior and had all been celebrating since 11am.
8. My SIL, let's call her Denise, who also happened to be getting married this year, texted me five days before her wedding shower that I was invited, when on the Evite it said the invitations had been sent out months ago. She opened everyone's gifts in front of everyone except mine, only for SIL 2 (let's call her Carly) to come up an hour later and tell me "oh yeah, SIL Denise thanks you for your gift too."
...I could go on. Suzie's remarks and behaviors are said so innocently to the point where I feel like I can't say anything back to her, but yet the comments come across as very nasty and sarcastic. Additionally, DH's sisters don't invite me or include me in any of their non-holiday related family activities, or tell me things at the last minute, yet they are all really chummy with their husbands as one big couple's group (excluding me) and see them all the time. They also expect I attend all their family events and get angry at my husband and I when we try to split the time evenly at holidays with my side of the family.
Bottom line is I feel so hurt and alienated from DH's family. I thought maybe I was overreacting but all of these continuous behaviors lead me to believe that they just don't like me. I know that's never going to change, but it's extremely hurtful to see Suzie (and the rest of the family) passively exclude me. I confronted DH about it early on in the relationship and he said "I'm so sorry this is happening, my mother is really socially awkward with people and can say some really mean things sometimes." Meanwhile she seems to have no problem getting "chummy" with her new sons all the years. They'd all been dating as long as we have.
To this day when I talked to DH about this again because the comments and behaviors are getting to me he said "I want you to know I 100 percent stand by you, I love you, I am always there to listen and support you, but I don't know if I can confront my family about this because I'm concerned it will make family gatherings even more awkward for you if I start a fight with them." The comments ALWAYS happen when he walks away, and he said if he hears them say mean things in front of me he would stick up for me no question and we would leave. But on the other hand a part of me feels like he could confront them and ask "what's going on here." His mother is an alcoholic and has somewhat bi-polar tendencies so that's also a huge factor as to why DH is concerned about confronting Suzie because she never listens or changes her abusive behaviors. My parents think DH should stick up for me and confront his family about the nasty remarks, but on the other hand I don't want to make him choose between me and them. He has every right to love his family and want to see them. Even though, quite frankly, I can't stand my MIL. (His sisters, while rude, are somewhat tolerable). And, god forbid if DH did confront them about all of this, it made family gatherings more awkward because we all know we don't like each other.
What should I do? Should I tell my husband to confront his mom? Should I confront my MIL myself and clear the air (which I don't even know what to say)? Should I confront one of his sisters? Lately it's just been really hard to go to these family gatherings and pretend everything's fine, because I have this awful feeling I am just hated and not wanted. I now dread their company and want to avoid them as much as possible.
Thank you for your time and any advice would be appreciated. XOXO
