How To Compromise?

In my opinion, you're going to have to have. sit down discussion and tell him that there are some things that you aren't willing to compromise on - especially if you are already compromising on some things for him. It sounds like he's kind of deciding on all of the rules. Is he paying for the wedding? Does he know how expensive each of these plus ones are going to be?

If so, and he's willing to pay for it and i's in your budget, I would say let it be. But otherwise, I think you need to set some boundaries.

I don't see a problem with not wanting little kids, as my husband and I are doing the same thing for our big wedding. The only kids that will be in attendance are the kids in the bridal party which are our son, my stepson, and my niece and nephew. If giving everyone a plus one is in your budget then go for it, but if it isn't then you and your fiancé need to sit down and have a talk about what is priority to each of you. Definitely compromise though, if he got the menu that he wanted then its only right for him to compromise for something that you want.

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We are paying for the wedding together, splitting evenly - he said he would pay the difference in the bar package since that's what he wanted but I'll have to go over the numbers with him - then maybe he will really realize. Its hard because right now I'm the only one working while he is in school, but once he's done and gets a job he will be making a decent amount to be able to afford the plus ones. So right now they aren't in the budget but that can change once he starts making more money.

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Thanks Yasmine! I really don't know why he wants to invite everyones kids, maybe just he thinks they won't come otherwise? I'm sure most people wouldn't mind hiring a babysitter or having a parent/sibling watch their kids for a night off.

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If he is willing to pay for the extra things that he wants, I would say to let him! He will soon understand how things can add up and may change his mind anyway. My fiancé was throwing the most random things up that he thought he wanted - a literal ice sculpture at the beginning LOL. When he realized how expensive everything was, he changed his tune completely. He may just genuinely not realize the price tags on a lot of things wedding.

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You're right, he might not realize lmao - I did talk about it but he probably wasn't listening (as men do haha) because its "a bit over a year and a half away" but need a budget! we don't have infinite money and my parents are for sure not helping and his mom has said she'd pay for the rehearsal dinner but he seems to think she'll contribute more.

Sounds like your fiancé needs to be reminded that this is your wedding too, and it can't be all about him! I would sit down with them and let him know the things you think he needs to compromise on. The first one being children. Having no kids at a wedding is much more enjoyable for everyone. It also saves you money. He should be willing to concede on that one.

Unfortunately, children tend to be an all or none kind of thing. If you allow some children, but not others, it is often considered rude especially if you told someone no that was going to bring a child and they see other children in attendance, but theirs wasn't allowed. I can tell you my sister-in-law told her brother he couldn't bring his four children even though he drove ten hours with them, but when we got to the wedding her sister's children were there. She made the exception because her sister's fiancé had passed away two weeks prior and being at a wedding was difficult on the sister. My brother-in-law is still salty about the situation even three years later. I will also add that newborns/breastfeeding babies are generally an exception because they rely on their mom for food. I'm currently pregnant and my husband is a groomsman in a wedding this fall and our daughter will only be 5 months and I plan on breastfeeding her. The groom hasn't said anything about our daughter, but there is a good chance I won't be attending because he isn't allowing children and I will be breastfeeding and we aren't sure if they would be willing to allow us to bring her.

As for plus ones, I would allow a plus one if the guest doesn't really know anyone else at the wedding so they don't feel completely alone. Otherwise, I think it is fine to say no plus ones for people who are truly single.

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Please have a BIG discussion about finances now. When you say you are "splitting the costs, evenly" be aware that any debt he decides to take on to pay for extra guests will impact your household budget after the marriage. It would make far more sense to 1. decide on a budget 2. open an account into which you each deposit money to pay for the wedding, The deposits can be equal or unequal, but should be agreed upon before hand. Money management is usually the biggest issue couples face. Start having the hard talks now, before they become an insurmountable problem.

That is something you and he have to work out together. Gets practice in for the rest of your marriage.

Food/drink is personal preference. The only requirement is that guests do not pay out of pocket.

Kids are all or nothing thing. You will offend people, though they will never say a word to you, if some have to find childcare and others don't. That includes inviting a flowergirl only.

As far as plus ones, yes it is true that random strangers should not take up space and money where important guests may have to be cut to fit them. They're only attending for the free (to them) meal. Countless single guests attend events alone all the time and are able to have a great time. It is very rare to not know another person in attendance so you can easily skip the random plus ones.

Hi Allison! One item to mention to your fiancé that may sway him in your direction, is the more guests = more favors, more centerpieces, more invitations, bigger cake, etc. It increases everything else. I was in a unique situation where we originally had 280 on the guest list and due to covid planned for 110. As I’m sure you know, the difference was $20,000!!! Yikes!! I was trying to please everyone and a blessing in disguise was covid (strange thing to say I know). We had our family, only the children in the ceremony, and our closest friends. It was a dream!! Why didn’t I just do that from the beginning?? Hope my lessons learned helps your situation ❤️❤️❤️

I'm with you on this one: no kids! Kids are usually an all or nothing thing because you don't want to hurt some people's feelings, so I would just go the no kids at all route (unless you have kids actually in the wedding party, they can be an exception). As for plus ones, you are NOT obligated to have plus ones. We didn't do them either! We invited the significant others of all guests in relationships, but no true plus ones as in random dates.

No kids period. All my siblings have kids over the age of 3. And they aren’t that well behaved! So no!

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I agree with this! It seems like you're the only one compromising here. It's completely reasonable to not have kids present, and I think that's a very fair line to draw.

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I really hate when people use this justification for not having kids at an event. If you want no kids, that's totally fine and you and your FI need to figure that out. But please don't frame it as "we're giving parents a night off!" or "i'm sure they'd love to have someone watch their kids". It's 10000% easier for me to bring my kids than not and it's stressful and annoying to leave them with a sitter, especially if any travel is involved.

That said, again, it's totally 100% fine to not invite kids and i would never be offended by that.

My recommendation is to invite in circles - so his immediate nieces/nephews and no others. Please dont' do an arbitrary age cutoff unless it's actually 18+. And don't split up families (you can't invite one families 11 year old, but not his4 year old sister.)

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Right, I'm not trying to frame it like that. I'd just rather not have kids crying during my vows and running around ruining the venue. I understand its stressful to find someone to watch the kids, just seems easier to invite them and maybe have a kids table or something? That seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

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I'm right there with you, Katie. My original guest list was 250 people, and I ended up having a micro wedding of 20 people -- the best decision I ever made! COVID forced my hand to have a smaller wedding, and I'm so glad it did. My micro wedding was truly my COVID rainbow - not what I had originally planned, but wouldn't have had it any other way.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely Sharonda!! Couldn’t agree more!!! ❤️❤️❤️