How to Deal with Disapproving Parents

Assuming you are both college age unfortunately I have to side with your parents. It’s not about money or inconvenience but giving yourselves the gift of time, experience, and perspective. If it’s meant to be marriage can and IMO should wait until you are both out of school, financially independent from parents, established in careers, and navigating real world responsibilities.


Things can change a lot when people are not in the artificial bubble of college. As much as you so don’t appreciate it in real time you are also still literally both growing and maturing into who you will be.
All this is far more important IMO than saving some money on financial aid in the short term. Among the couples I’ve known who married this young within the past fifteen years I can’t think of any who are still together. Or should be.
Also why are you only “able” to talk for 5-10 minutes max? Do you still live at home under house rules? Is your BF that busy? What would change?

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I am not in school currently (working a full and part-time job to save for our future), and have been almost completely financially independent since I was about 16. I only rely on my parents for discounted health and car insurance, as I'm on their plans (but pay my part), and I pay a discounted rent. I've been working in the medical field for over 2 years now, and have a pretty well-established skill set, and could get a job in most healthcare settings. We both are very independent and very mature for our ages (which I know doesn't mean a lot coming from me).

There is a time difference, which messes with our schedules. He takes about 18 credit hours a semester (most of which are higher-level theology and philosophy classes), works 2 campus jobs to be able to afford his school bills, and has a roommate. Between the differing time, all of his obligations, and my own, there is very little time when neither of us is busy. We can usually call each other for a quick convo between things, but the weekends are the only real time we have to talk.

I’ll be honest, as someone who moved out of their parents house to a crappy basement apartment in Queens at 18, I don’t know if marriage makes sense just yet for you two. Long distance is more than a rough adjustment to mom and dad’s and you have spent a cumulative 4 months together, not long distance. Is moving in with him and getting closer as a couple at this stage possible for you to? Given what you’ve described it seems like the only pro to waiting is his student loan debt, but there is WAY more on the table than that.

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I do still live with my parents currently (paying them about half of a normal rent rate and the rest goes automatically to savings) so I know being away from them would be a lot different. I was raised very independently. My boyfriend has been out there already and has built a large support system, most of whom I've met. I'm not super worried in regards to being away from my parents/family (it would only be 8ish months total before we're back home).

We've been together for about 9 months that was not long distance. We don't want to live together before we are married, so that isn't an option. His schooling would also cost a lot more to live off-campus, which we would have to do if it was. His college offers on-campus married housing, so it makes more sense to get married. I do acknowledge that there are pros to waiting another year (his student loans not being one - they would be cheaper as a married college student), but I'm not convinced that they outweigh the pros of getting married a year earlier.

As much as you think you know everything there is to know about one another, being together over summers and breaks for a cumulative time of 9 months when one if you is still in college and the other living with her parents is not even close to representative of what marriage would be or look like.

I'd strongly encourage waiting even if you were much older than you are. Aside from the fact that you are still becoming the people you will be, you aren’t even out of the honeymoon stage yet. Priorities, tastes, and preferences can change from late teens to mid to late 20s. Part of maturity is the ability to postpone gratification and see the bigger picture. If you were honest with yourself I suspect a good part of this is wanting to get out of the house and on your own. Again, you might be the one exception that proves the rule but personally I don't know any couples who got together in your circumstance in this day and age that made it in the long term. I'd give yourself the gift of time and experience.

LRanier, I see you're trying to be pragmatic about your future. But, if you have to marry for cheaper housing in order to afford moving out of your parents' home, you are not independent. You need dual income to live meaning you must depend on someone to survive. While considering finances is a mature approach to budgeting bills, do you really want to multitask the love of your life?

I worry your future will never be about you. If you are a CNA, what if at some point in your life you want to be an NP? To do so requires you must first go to college to be an RN. If you are currently a Technician, what if you want to be an Administrator or a Consultant? That also requires personal study, certifications/ degrees, and time. You cannot go outside credentialing in healthcare industry. i think you should consider when in your relationship would you be able to pursue your own career? It's not easy negotiating when to take turns. That is why many posters above, think you should go after your own pursuits, or at least be curious about them.

And let me tell you, as someone who has an undergrad degree in Philosophy from one of the best schools in the world, these students (he & his colleagues) are very ambitious. A B.A. will not cut it to advance in Philosophy or Theology careers. The nature of their training is learning there is more to learn; their personalities want to chase unlimited knowledge. To get a Masters in Philosophy at minimum you need to be fluent in French and German. It's a time-intensive road for him and you. Also, if you are in conservative circles, the wife is expected to be the supporter and not the familiy leader. You may never befriend women who do more. I do hope you and your partner will be able to share your aspirations and life together, and not just split the bills. Life is more than money. Your worth cannot be merely valued in money. Best wishes.

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We've known each other since we were young, but have only "dated" for about a year and a half. Being long-distance forces you to talk a lot more and have deeper conversations because that's just about the only thing you can do. A lot of couples use physical touch as a crutch and don't have many meaningful conversations, but that isn't even a possibility when he's in school, so the nature of what we talk about is a lot deeper.

I don't think I know everything about him, nor do I think he knows everything about me, but I know his character. I know who he is, who he wants to be, and his goals for the future. I think a year and a half into a deep relationship you know a lot about someone. Our future goals align, and we both have similar interests and I think we can help each other grow into the people, parents, and friends we want to be for those around us.

I could pretty easily move out and be independent if I wanted. It really has nothing to do with that. I live in my parents' house just for convenience. I pay rent to them (they only keep half and the rest goes into a savings account - which I did not know about until recently) so it's not like I just live with them for free. I don't have to worry about leases, I can save more money being at home, but I can wholeheartedly say I don't just want to get married to leave my parent's house.

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Let me start by saying he is in school to be a pastor. He only needs a B.A. and to be ordained through the cooperative fellowship we are connected to. He is learning Greek to have a better understanding of scripture, but the field is not nearly as competitive as a general philosophy career would be. He has a job lined up as a Bible teacher in a private academy and as an associate pastor part-time if he wants either (or both).

We are in what some would consider "conservative circles," but not to the degree that women are stripped down and defined as just a supporter. Since I was young, my biggest ambition was to be a mother, and if I do nothing else, that is what I want the most. I am not sure what I want to do career-wise, if anything, in the future, but I know I have the option to go back to school if I wanted, and I know I would have his full support in that endeavor, as we've talked about it previously.

I would consider myself independent. I could fairly easily move out right now if I wanted to. It may be a bit of a struggle at times, but what young adult wouldn't experience that? I am living with my parents for convenience. I am able to save more and have emotional support that I wouldn't necessarily have (at least stably) living by myself.

I think what everyone here with the luxury of experience, including your parents, is trying to tell you is that you’re still young, and what you think you know about yourself and your partner now is going to change as you live and grow and experience life. Not getting married next year does not have to mean an end to your relationship. You can absolutely stay committed to your partner without the legal paperwork while you both work to establish your adult lives, and then get married in a few years. That way, IF things don’t work out, you’re just dealing with a breakup and not a divorce. This is especially true if you want children as much as you say you do because any breakup would impact them. And being a mother is a beautiful thing for those who want it, but it is permanent once it happens. I had several friends who got married out of high school and had much-loved, desperately wanted babies early into their marriage. Every single one has since voiced regret that they didn’t take more time for themselves while they were still young. Your parents are just looking out for what they believe, based on their own wisdom and experiences, is in your best interest.

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You seem to have convinced yourself that you have all the answers which is also typical for someone who hasn't had a lot of life experience. But you never know what life may bring or throw your way. I totally agree with PP that your first priority should not be marriage to someone you in all honesty are still getting to know. BTW, long conversations are nice and all, but people say all kind of lofty things. The true measure of someone's character is being with them on a daily basis through all the seasons of life, watching how they interact with others, and how they treat you when there's a real challenge or set back or you disagree. College is a bubble that bears little resemblance to the real world. Again, people at your age are still changing and growing.

You ought to be putting yourself In the best possible position to support yourself and any future children fully on your own. That likely means additional training or education, something that will be a lot more difficult once you have children, which seems to be your primary goal. There's nothing wrong with that, but it worries me that you say you may be relying on your BF for income and support. If your parents are worried about your finances I would not be relying on them, either, not that you should be counting on that once you are married. What is your rush? If it's meant to be it will be.

I understand the concern and perspectives expressed here, but we have officially decided to get married next year. Our minds were pretty much made before I began this post, and after a certain experience, we have made our final decision. The intention of this post was more to get advice about dealing with family members you disagree with. I was not expecting to feel shamed and belittled for my age. I have talked with my parents about it again, and they are more empathetic and supportive, and expressed they were surprised when we talked to them. I am their oldest and it was something that they hadn’t thought about or prepared themselves for. My mom said it was hard for her to see me as an adult and not as her little baby anymore.

We are very much involved in our church and plan to do ministry as a career, so I think there are some differences in perspectives, personalities, beliefs, and attitudes about marriage. We both have great parents with beautiful, loving marriages to look up to as examples. We also have a lot of spiritual mentors who think it would be the best decision for us. Divorce is not something we would even consider, unless under specific circumstances and after much deliberation. I’m committing my life to him, not just signing a piece of paper and using his last name. I have full conviction that I will be spending the rest of my life with him. You may think that is immature and naïve of me, but I don’t really care. I know who I am, I know who my boyfriend is, we have people who know us and fully support us, and we know that we are ready to have a healthy, loving, fun, supportive, and long-lasting marriage.

Our circumstances are very complex, and it is very hard to convey the full background of the situation in just a few paragraphs, especially when you don’t know who we are individually or as a couple. Our parent’s concern is not that we can’t handle marriage, or that we aren’t mature enough or developed enough to have a balanced and enduring marriage, as seems to be the majority concern. I don’t think I know everything there is about life, marriage, or the future, but neither do most people even at 25 when they’re “fully developed.” There is no magic age where you decide you’re done maturing and ready to commit yourself completely to someone else. You never quit learning and growing. We both feel ready to make that commitment to one another, to learn and grow together, and to support one another in personal growth as well.

I do want to be a mother, and there is always a chance of pregnancy no matter your precautions, but once we are married, we plan to wait at least 3 years before trying to conceive. I want to learn how to be a wife before I learn how to be a parent as well. Being a mother is a huge desire, and raising children is a lot of work. I am aware of that. I have 3 younger siblings who I’ve helped to raise. My parents have worked on 1-1.5 incomes pretty much my whole life, and while we were never super wealthy, we were always comfortable. I want to be a SAHM or at least only work part-time while my children are young, and I will have to rely on my boyfriend for that when we are married. That IS NOT a bad thing. He is my husband, who I can trust. I don’t ever anticipate having to provide for our children alone. If a situation were to arise where that would be inevitable, I would make sure our kids are provided for. That is not a concern I have unless there are unforeseen circumstances such as death, which I don’t think can necessarily be “prepared” for.

I’ve heard all of the “What’s the rush?” “Why are you wasting your youth,” “But you’re so young,” and “Don’t you want to live your own life first?” arguments. Why would I not want to have a deeper, more intimate, and more committed relationship with my best friend and the person I love more than anyone else? I know it’s unconventional, and not the normal perspective for someone my age, but that doesn’t invalidate my desires or decisions and it definitely doesn’t mean my marriage is doomed to fail. I don’t think our marriage will always be easy or that it will be free of struggle, but that wouldn’t be the case even if we waited 10 more years.

The opinions expressed were overwhelmingly regarding our ages, which is not a concern for us, our parents, any other mentors we look to for advice, or really anyone who knows us well. We will be informing our parents, and our other family/friends of our final decision within the next couple of weeks. I wish you all the best, and I appreciate your willingness to try to give perspective, but I will have to agree to disagree and prioritize myself. XO

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I never claimed to know everything. I don't. But I would rather learn with him.

I have to disagree with you and that's ok.

I appreciate your comments and I wish you the best!

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My parents have no qualms about our ages or how well we know each other. They think we should and will get married, they just think an extra year would be safer financially (and for them to prepare emotionally as my parents have espressed).

I know it wouldn't mean an end to our relationship to wait another year, but it would be a stall in our relationship in a way. Unless something very extreme happens, there will be no "IF things don't work out." To us, marriage is sacred, and a lifetime commitment - there is not meant to be a way out. We are both committed to each other. We will be waiting at least a few years, Lord willing, to have children after we are married. My desire to have children has nothing to do with my ability to commit to a person. I disagree with you there.

I appreciate your comments, but I will never regret marrying my best friend. Thank you for your perspective!

View Quoted Comment I meant it's competitive in both Theology and Philosophy. But overall 2021 US census is showing more than 50% of adults over 25 have at least an Associates degree. Therefore, all job markets will continue to remain competitive. As you say you want children, I encourage you to be as financially secure as possible.


To answer your original question, it will be very hard to convince his parents of a young marriage if they're already against it. It is easier to accept a new Son in-law than a Daughter-in-law. Gender-based biases. Ppl are too fast to jump to gold digger conclusions or other suspicions. You can't have vulnerabilities. MILs are esp. tough with that maternal instinct to protect their sons. After 12 yrs, I still sense tension between my parents & 1 SIL and she created 3 adorable kids and is an eye surgeon. They live on the other side of the country. Anyway, my advice to you is to not talk about family planning and getting pregnant (if thinking). This will raise red flags. Keep making a life for yourself.
Good luck getting the life you want. Be true to you.