Full disclosure, I'm not a therapist. (I'm related to a few, which probably explains a whole lot about me.) Mostly my bona fides come from surviving a narcissistic mother, my parents' divorce, and being the outcast of both sides of my family. Graduate degree from surviving a toxic relationship with a truly terrible guy and managing to *not* marry him!
So!
First things first, if you get through wedding planning without *someone*, somewhere, throwing drama, congrats! You found a way to get rid of all the toxic people BEFORE you got engaged! Well done, you should be giving this Tedx Talk. (How'd you do it, I wanna know.)
Unfortunately, there's something about Big Life Events that just brings up Stuff for people. This doesn't mean that's all bad, it's just that it adds more emotional stress (at the least) when you don't need it. It can be bad (jealousy), good (reconciliation), or somewhere in between.
Now, Drama has happened. This is frustrating in the extreme.
I'm going to give you the hardest piece of advice. (Let me put it this way, it's so hard, DH *and multiple friends of mine* have been known to verbally restrain me. "Down, girl! DOWN!")
Don't react.
At least not right away.
Walk away from the tension, the emotion, the situation. Give yourself a little bit to process, breathe, and consider.
Have some ice cream, or go for a run, hang out with your pet, play your favorite game. Something that's going to counteract your negative emotions and help you find your center. (Go look at fuzzy animal pictures on Insta, apparently there are studies saying that looking at cute things is good for our brains. This is why I follow random dogs.)
When you've found your center, you can come back to the Drama. (Sometimes this can take more than a day. That's ok. It'll keep.)
So, we're centered, we're calm, and now we can do the work. Here are some questions I find super helpful when trying to deal with Drama.
Who is really at fault?
Are there family dynamics at play?
Did a third party interfere?
Is information missing or twisted?
Has this happened before? Is it a pattern?
Did this Drama really concern you, or did you get caught in the middle?
Do you need help, or can you handle this alone?
What are the consequences of this incident? What are the consequences if we escalate?
What backup do you need from your FS? Or do you need to play backup to them?
Don't be afraid to ask your FS's opinion here. Come here and ask us! It's so easy to miss things when you're in the middle of it. And if we're really hurt, it's *hard* to not lash out. (I refer you to further up in this post, wherein I've been verbally restrained by others. I can hold a grudge, so those restraints are often designed to last.)What we want to do is stop the spiral.
Reminders to help you protect yourself:
No is a complete sentence.
I mean that. No is a complete sentence. (Practice it.)
You and your FS are in charge of your own life and decisions thereof.
Tradition is peer pressure from dead people. (Stole that from a friend.)
Names on invitations, inclusion in the ceremony, special dances, etc. - those are all *honor* positions. They are not guaranteed nor required. No one is promised them at all.
Your health and safety come first.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
I can't give you solutions, here. Each situation is unique. But I hope these questions and reminders help you work through the extra stress being thrown at you. Know that you aren't alone - so many of us have toxic families, or friends who just went sideways on us, or are just overwhelmed and things went KABOOM.
Good luck, and feel free to post your problems, below!
