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Dedicated June 2019

How to deal with future in-laws who don’t like you anymore?

Kayla, on December 3, 2018 at 2:09 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 26

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So my fiancé and I have been together for over 2 and a half years. Since the beginning, his parents loved me and considered me one of their own. They were super excited to have me join the family earlier this year but now I’m sure that they do not want my fiancé and I to get married. A month or so ago, there was a family event that went on that my fiancé and I didn’t attend because of moral dilemma. Two days after the event I got a vicious email from my future mother in-law saying all kinds of awful things to me basically saying that I was the reason why her son didn’t attend to the event. She claims in this email that I did everything in my power to keep my fiancé from going for my own “selfish” will, which is not the case at all. My fiancé and I made a decision together to not go because of moral delemma and that was it, I did not force him to do anything. Since then I have had almost no contact with my fiancé’s family, in fact my future mother in-law told my fiancé that she didn’t want me at their house ever again and said some other words that are inappropriate to say on here. I have since tried to sit down and talk to both of my fiancé’s parents and it went the worse it could have gone. I couldn’t talk and tell my side of the story because every time I tried, I would get this look from his mother that just made me shut down and not say anything. This has brought me so much anxiety and stress and I am just so scared to get married now. I have literally lost almost 10 pound because of this stressful situation. I want to marry my fiancé more than anything in the world but I’m not sure that it is a good idea to marry into a family that hates me and makes me feel like this. The whole situation has opened my eyes and made me realize that my future in-laws freak out if you don’t go along with everything they say and do. They want to basically have their children and family wrapped around their fingers and do whatever they want. I cannot live my life agreeing and doing everything my in-laws want me to. I’m to the point where I don’t want to have any relationship with my future in-laws at all. I have been as mature as possible and have tried to mend things but it is not working at all. I’m just wondering if getting married is even worth it. This family is so close knit and I feel like I’m just ruining everything. I don’t want my fiancé to have to cut his family out because of me. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

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26 Comments

Latest activity by MrsMcK, on December 8, 2018 at 3:16 PM

Champion June 2019
Kenisha · on December 3, 2018 at 2:14 PM
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Have you sat down with your fiancé and really expressed how you feel? What does he have to say about everything?
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Master April 2019
Brittany · on December 3, 2018 at 2:18 PM
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Agreed ^^^ what does your fiance have to say about this?
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Super September 2018
M&M Bride · on December 3, 2018 at 2:21 PM
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. How recent was the event that you skipped? What was your fiance's reaction to the email that his family sent you? Did he defend you and say that he was involved in the choice to skip the event? How is his relationship right now with his family?
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on December 3, 2018 at 2:21 PM
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You aren't ruining anything. Does your fiance feel the same you do? Is he helping you through this stressful time, and telling his parents how inappropriate and childish they are acting?
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Devoted September 2016
MrsBlah · on December 3, 2018 at 2:27 PM
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What was the moral dilemma?
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Dedicated June 2019
Kayla · on December 3, 2018 at 2:29 PM
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Yes I have. We actually have gone to counseling together about this because it has taken a tole on our own relationship. He says that what his mother said was completely uncalled for and childish and he is 100% on my side. However, he thinks that over time things will go back to normal and I dont think everything will. I feel like nothing will be the same and my relationship with his family is ruined. His mother is one to hold grudges forever, I have seen it with other family members. She never gets over things, she dwells on them. With the wedding in about 6 months, all I can think about is how afraid I am. I know people say time heals wounds but I have a feeling that if we do eventually move on from this that his mother and I will just continue to butt heads on other things because we both have strong personalities and have different beliefs.
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Dedicated June 2019
Kayla · on December 3, 2018 at 2:33 PM
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My fiancé feels the exact same way as I do. He is helping me as much as he can, this has put a lot of stress in him too because it’s his own family. He has told his parents how he feels and how they are acting very inappropriate, but they just think that I am the reason he is standing up to them (because he never has before).
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on December 3, 2018 at 2:35 PM
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I think counseling would be helpful for you two, as an outlet for you to vent about this and a way for him to stay strong and communicate with you about what he is feeling. I'm sure over time they will realize he is going to stand up to them and not act like he did before, but unfortunately it will take time.
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Master April 2019
Brittany · on December 3, 2018 at 2:40 PM
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I was curious about this too, thanks for asking it
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Dedicated June 2019
Kayla · on December 3, 2018 at 2:40 PM
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The event was about a month ago. My fiancé was absolutely furious about the email. He did defend me and told them that it was his choice too. His relationship isn’t so good with his family. He avoids them at all cost. Since he lives at home until we get married, he goes home late when his parents are in bed and leaves before they wake up. It makes me feel so bad because I feel like I’m the reason why he is doing all of this and even his mom said that I am the one driving the wedge between him and his family. I feel awful about it.
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Master April 2019
Brittany · on December 3, 2018 at 2:48 PM
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It definitely sounds like she's the one driving the wedge herself. But some context might help here. What was the event in question? A birthday? A wedding? A funeral?
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Dedicated June 2019
Kayla · on December 3, 2018 at 3:03 PM
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I wish I could give more detail about the event but I can’t for privacy reasons, it is also a lot to explain.
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VIP September 2019
Brae · on December 3, 2018 at 3:08 PM
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You and your fh will need to make decisions as a couple for many things in the future. It seems like she will need to get used to that no matter what those decisions regard. It's good that your fh supports you, and you shouldn't feel guilty.
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VIP January 2019
Daria · on December 3, 2018 at 3:16 PM
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I think it's pretty hard to give advice here without more details, and we are left to imagine what might be the case. Just speculating but...if your dilemma involved not approving of a certain lifestyle of a host, honoree, etc and that was the reason you didn't go...I'd feel that you were cutting off the family too.
Given that he is still living in their home, I do think they have the right to some expectations of his time. Unless he is paying them rent, it's unfair to treat them as a motel but avoid them at all costs.
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Master April 2019
Brittany · on December 3, 2018 at 3:22 PM
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Yeah, I feel the same. Can't really offer much because I feel like there's way too much we don't know. For FH's mom to feel this type of way, I can't help but feel like something more happened than what we're being told.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on December 3, 2018 at 3:22 PM
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I really relate to this, my FMIL hates me and was absolutely horrible to me, therefore my FH barely speaks to her anymore. I didn’t tell him to stop speaking to her, but she was being terribly toxic to him too during all this so he decided it was in his best interest to limit his contact with her. She has also been estranged from her sister and her mother for years, if that gives you an idea of how much she holds grudges...

It’s good that your FH is on your side. You have to understand that you did nothing wrong and it is not her fault. If her relationship with her son is wrecked, that’s on HER, not you. It’s only natural that your FH would be hoping for things to blow over though. The best way I’ve learned to handle it is to limit my interactions, and when I have to see her, I grin and bear it....... same way I do with my own relatives that I’m not a huge fan of.

I don’t think not getting along with in-laws is a good enough reason not to get married, especially if your FH is on your side about it. You’re marrying him, not his mother. You will only be controlled by her if you or your FH allow her to do so.
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Super September 2018
M&M Bride · on December 3, 2018 at 3:27 PM
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I am glad to hear that your FH is on your side and defending you. Coming home late and leaving super early must be taking a toll on him. Is there anyway that he can move out before the wedding? Maybe some distance between him and his family will help.
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Dedicated June 2019
Kayla · on December 3, 2018 at 3:36 PM
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Because of him being in college full time and not being able to work enough, he cannot afford to pay rent. He graduates a month before our wedding and is guaranteed a job after that but until then, his only options are to stay at home or move in with me or one of my family members. He doesn't seem to want to move out because he thinks it will make the situation worse and make his parents resent me more.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on December 3, 2018 at 4:00 PM
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Agree with all of this. Without context it seems like you are your FH aren't blameless in this.
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