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Dedicated June 2019

How to deal with future in-laws who don’t like you anymore?

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Kayla, on December 3, 2018 at 2:09 PM

So my fiancé and I have been together for over 2 and a half years. Since the beginning, his parents loved me and considered me one of their own. They were super excited to have me join the family earlier this year but now I’m sure that they do not want my fiancé and I to get married. A month or so ago, there was a family event that went on that my fiancé and I didn’t attend because of moral dilemma. Two days after the event I got a vicious email from my future mother in-law saying all kinds of awful things to me basically saying that I was the reason why her son didn’t attend to the event. She claims in this email that I did everything in my power to keep my fiancé from going for my own “selfish” will, which is not the case at all. My fiancé and I made a decision together to not go because of moral delemma and that was it, I did not force him to do anything. Since then I have had almost no contact with my fiancé’s family, in fact my future mother in-law told my fiancé that she didn’t want me at their house ever again and said some other words that are inappropriate to say on here. I have since tried to sit down and talk to both of my fiancé’s parents and it went the worse it could have gone. I couldn’t talk and tell my side of the story because every time I tried, I would get this look from his mother that just made me shut down and not say anything. This has brought me so much anxiety and stress and I am just so scared to get married now. I have literally lost almost 10 pound because of this stressful situation. I want to marry my fiancé more than anything in the world but I’m not sure that it is a good idea to marry into a family that hates me and makes me feel like this. The whole situation has opened my eyes and made me realize that my future in-laws freak out if you don’t go along with everything they say and do. They want to basically have their children and family wrapped around their fingers and do whatever they want. I cannot live my life agreeing and doing everything my in-laws want me to. I’m to the point where I don’t want to have any relationship with my future in-laws at all. I have been as mature as possible and have tried to mend things but it is not working at all. I’m just wondering if getting married is even worth it. This family is so close knit and I feel like I’m just ruining everything. I don’t want my fiancé to have to cut his family out because of me. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

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26 Comments

Dedicated February 2020
Michelle · on December 3, 2018 at 10:04 PM
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This will not help, but they are displaying very mentally unstable, emotionally abusive behavior. Other than setting boundaries, there is no "winning", and you may be correct that it won't get better. I'm currently going through this as well. Maybe it'll comfort you to know you're not alone, but I don't think there's an easy answer. At least we haven't found one.
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Judith · on December 4, 2018 at 6:19 PM
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"I don’t want my fiancé to have to cut his family out because of me.". He would not be cutting them out of parts of his life because of you. He would be cutting them out because of their bad behavior. For them to make accusations and act in a hateful way because they did not get their own way, is self-centered . Wanting mandatory attendance at voluntary party, and not accepting the fact that you are adults, not subject to their whims, shows a complete lack of respect for their own son, and you. That they are trying to get what they want by trying to drive a wedge between the two of you, is despicable. Why should you take responsibility for causing a problem, when you did nothing wrong, and they are having a nasty tantrum about it? No one would consider what they are doing, reasonable behavior.
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Expert December 2018
Winter Bride · on December 5, 2018 at 10:35 PM
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What did the counselor recommend?
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Dedicated November 2019
Stephanie · on December 6, 2018 at 11:24 AM
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Time heals all wounds. If his family is as tight knit as you’re describing, your future MIL will get over it. As long as you’re making her son happy, she will be happy.
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Dedicated October 2017
Rachael · on December 6, 2018 at 2:22 PM
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I can give you advice from your fiance's side. My family was very rude to him and disrespectful to my fiance. I talked to my fiance to see how he felt before confronting my family. It was my family so I handled their behavior. I let my family members have it and told them my fiance was going to be my family and he would come first. I let them know they could respect him and our relationship or they would be cut out. I told them they had one chance to apologize and that if they ever repeated their behavior I would cut them out. Honestly I should have cut them out then. I was struggling to realize how toxic my family was and I wasn't used to standing up for myself. Of course they repeated their behavior and at my wedding no less. It added stress to the day and it's tainted my memory of my wedding. I've cut those family members out of my life and I couldn't be happier.
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VIP September 2017
MrsMcK · on December 8, 2018 at 3:16 PM
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Late to the party. But I feel like no one can really give you any advice on this because of the missing information. How do you expect people to know what to tell you if you can’t tell us the whole story? Makes me feel like your in laws reaction is probably justified.
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