How to let them down gently?

You’re allowed to do what is best for you and your situation and you know everyone best, but I don't think there’s a way to exclude your father from your wedding without hurting his feelings, especially if he thinks you’re close.

I can't imagine feelings won't be hurt, regardless how you approach it. I think it would hurt less if you invited him (not your stepmother) instead of not inviting either? But regardless I'd just prepare for some hurt feelings & drama.

This is a very difficult situation and I would move with caution to not cause to much disappointment and drama. I would suggest talking to your dad about not being invited instead of not telling him at all. Are you guys not that close because of your step mom? Or other reasons?. Yeah, I say have a talk with him to let him know the reasoning and hopefully he wont get upset. Because not telling him about the wedding altogether may cause some deep hurt feelings that may never go away. Maybe lean with its a far destination and on a weekday that would require days off from work. Good luck with this. At the end of the day it's you wedding and you should not be stressing over parents fighting. I hope it works out.

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Fortunately, he doesn't think we are very close but definitely closer than we are (i.e. we talk once every few months). I'm not sure if it helps that my step-dad is also not going - but I think you're right that it's still going to sting. I just need to figure out if I can lessen it somehow.

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Yeah I'm definitely trying to toe the situation as carefully as I can. Our lack of close-ness has always been a thing since I was a kid. Without going into too much detail - he's made a lot of very poor choices and I distanced myself from 12 years old on. We started talking a little more now that I'm an adult, but it's still only once every few months and he has no in-depth interest in my life.
I definitely agree I shouldn't do what my first reaction was, which very wrongly was to just keep it quiet of the fact my mom is going. I think I will try to go with the issue of it just being really far and I know that they would be in a rough place trying to attend (she refuses to fly, to top it off, so they would spend four days just getting here and back).
Thank you for the kind words!

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I'm not sure - I've dabbled with the thought of mentioning just him coming but I think it might be worse to suggest it. Definitely trying to prepare myself emotionally for some disappointment. I may just make the suggestion that FH and I fly in shortly after to celebrate with them... Thanks for the response!!

I think it would be best to have the honest conversation up front rather than not saying anything at all. If he finds out he's not invited closer to the wedding, it's definitely going to sting more. I don't have any good advise on what exactly to say.. I usually go with honestly being the best policy.

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Thanks for the response - I agree that I can't just not say anything. I definitely wanted to because it's easier - but not right. I usually go with the same policy, I just have to stop being afraid of this discussion. I think I'm going to be as honest as I can without flat out hurting my step-mothers feelings, and offer to come visit and celebrate with them later. That said, I'm also wondering if I am making myself worry over it more than they will, given that they haven't asked anything about it or mentioned my engagement/wedding. Here's to hoping.

I'd sit down (or call your dad) and explain the situation. Just say you'd love for both parents to be there but really and truly would prefer for him to come alone if he does decide to come. Tell him this is your wedding and this is something that you feel strongly about. I agree, feelings would be more hurt if you didn't invite him at all. At least this way he knows you made an effort for him to be included. He can either do it your way or not at all. This is your big day Good luck!

Just an update - I had a call with my dad and talked more about our plans and that we know it might be stressful for my mom and step-mother to be together, and a strain on them to try to get off work and get out here just for a small wedding. It went much smoother than I was fearing - thanks so much everyone!

Tbh I was more of a rebellious child in the sense that I stopped talking to my dad completely after the divorce because I don’t think he’s a good person, and I refuse to speak to or accept his new wife. (He cheated). So, I wouldn’t personally bother telling your dad he isn’t invited, especially if they didn’t extend that same courtesy to
you.