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Kristin
Just Said Yes May 2019

How to move on from a disastrous wedding?

Kristin, on June 28, 2019 at 2:17 PM

Posted in Married Life 57

I'm not sure even where to begin (or if this is the correct forum to be posting on), but I will start by saying that I am so happy to be married to my best friend and love of my life. That was never the issue. But the things that happened before and during my wedding left me with such disappointment...

I'm not sure even where to begin (or if this is the correct forum to be posting on), but I will start by saying that I am so happy to be married to my best friend and love of my life. That was never the issue. But the things that happened before and during my wedding left me with such disappointment and sadness, I literally start to tear up any time someone asks me about it. I'm posting this not only as a way to get it all out, but to ask if anyone has tips on a good response to questions about the wedding, or if there is a way I can shift my mindset about it.
We had been together over 5 years when he proposed, and wanted a relatively short engagement (originally planning for 9 months). Then his sister got pregnant, and we ran through scenarios of her and his parents, etc. not being able to make the wedding the month before she was due, our original date. So we decided to move it up 3 months, leaving me only 4 months to plan EVERYTHING.

Trying on dresses was kind of a disaster. The store attendants took pity on me trying on dresses by myself (I'd moved out of state, no friends or family nearby.) My mom said she'd pay for my dress, but wanted to see me in it in person, so I waited to try more on until I went back to my hometown. I found the PERFECT dress, that made my mom and sister cry, and I felt like a princess. But then we went to another shop, found a cheaper style that I kind of liked, and my mom paid for it basically before I could say anything. My dress was ordered in the incorrect size, based off of incorrect measurements the attendant took. After $360 of alterations, the sleeves were still falling off of me, and the cups were so oversized, you can see half of my breast in the gap in a lot of our pictures. I felt so uncomfortable in it.

My bachelorette party was supposed to be a scavenger hunt in Palm Springs, which everyone sounded in to when I mentioned it, but then they all started cheating, and rushing to the next bar, ignoring the game and saying they were over it. OK, fine, lets just drink. But then by dinner, everyone was sleepy and one of my bridesmaids ran in to friends and decided to hang out with them instead. I was just over it so we went back to the hotel. The next day by the pool was lovely, can't say anything about that! And one of my bridesmaids put a lot of thought in to decorating the rooms, which I so appreciate.

The story of the DJ is long, but let me summarize. My mom paid him up front, and for the next month, he was unreachable. His website didn't work to put in song requests and order, when sent to him directly (1 week before the wedding), he stated that too many of my songs were vulgar and despicable (Cardi B and Nicki Minaj and the like), and that I should just listen to him and his years of experience instead of embarrassing myself. After much back and forth, he agreed to play what we asked.

Moving forward a bit to our rehearsal, everything went fine.
The morning of our wedding, I went for my beauty appointments and these people acted like they'd never done services for a wedding party before. I brought in pics of both hair and makeup, and while I didn't expect them to be exact, the hair was horrible and like nothing I wanted, and the makeup was so bad, the artist actual told me she wanted to step back and let someone else finish because she wasn't sure how to fix what she'd done! I saw her crying in the back room! I literally think it was her first time applying makeup. I had black circles around my eyes and my face was so cakey.. I should have done my own, truly. I was basically in tears in their bathroom before we left.

At the venue, I did my best to fix my makeup. The hair had been sprayed to the point of being crisp, so no fixing it. I still think to this day, I looked awful. My mom, who was assisting with the flowers and cake setup, was in the bridal suite for about 10 minutes when we arrived. She was unable to be located after that, and I didn't talk to her again until the reception. I took pics with my mother in law instead, putting my jewelry on me. Pretty sad my mom missed out on those moments.

Even though I didn't want to see many people before the ceremony, they just kept coming in to the suite, even after I was in my dress, drinking our champagne, and sitting on the couches. We took pictures, (more on those later), and then everyone got seated and lined up.

Here's where it started going downhill. The DJ played my processional song instead of the bridal party song when the girls started walking, and when he realized this when I got to the start of the aisle, he abruptly stopped and started it again. Even though I'd asked several family members to record the ceremony, only one did and the file won't open now. I felt almost numb walking down the aisle, kind of out-of-body, and I truly can't remember so much of the ceremony or even what happened after. I hate to say that I was fake smiling while walking down the aisle, but I kind of was.

When the wedding party walked in to the dining area, it was to no music (I requested music, obviously), and our first dance was super awkward (obviously on us for not taking dance lessons), but I also asked the DJ not to play the whole song, which of course he did, so we ended up just stopping in the middle and asking him to cut. Our main courses were horrible, and nothing like I'd been served at the tasting dinner. I didn't have more than a couple bites, and I was starving. The DJ repeated 2 songs in the first 20 minutes of dinner, because he kept hopping in to the photo booth to take pics, even though he brought along 2 assistants that we had to pay for meals for.

I also kinda blame my bridesmaids a little for not telling me that my strapless bra after I changed into my reception dress was so unflattering that I can't even look at any of those pictures because I look just horrible, back rolls and all. I'm not skinny, but don't usually have back rolls, and it look like my back had been sectioned off 🤦‍♀️I would have just gone braless, had I known! The cake cutting was a nightmare, again because of the DJ who kept yelling at the crowd to encourage my husband to push the cake into my face. Several people told me "you don't need to hit every table, let them come to you" and I highly regret listening to this because I didn't get to talk to nearly as many people as I wanted to, take pics, etc. I feel like some people didn't even want to talk to me, which hurts of course, but that they were there for the open bar and to catch up with other old friends.

The photo booth broke down 30 minutes before it was supposed to due to a technical issue, the DJ messed up a "money dance" that I was supposed to have with my bridal party and instead asked that ALL ladies join us in the corner of the room, therefore ruining what we had planned out. I was so upset that I started drinking heavily (red wine). Flash forward to going to a bar, a karaoke spot, and then home to puke on my wedding night. The next morning, I was so ill and hadn't packed a separate makeup bag or hair brush, so I showed up to the day-after brunch looking like a wreck and not talking to anyone, trying to hide how upset I was.

Then my mother in law said something a bit insulting about my mom, so my mom left brunch before ordering food and later confessed she was crying on her way back home. Flash forward to 6 weeks post-wedding and I receive the pictures.. They're so heavily edited that the foliage all looks dead, people look fake, the colors are so totally off, and I don't even want to share the pictures. I thought at least I would have those to look back at fondly. I spoke with the photographer and she stated "that's what my work looks like, I won't change it, you probably shouldn't have hired me if you expected it to be different."

So yeah, it's been almost two months since and I still cry thinking about my wedding. I just want to hear that the feeling goes away. I feel guilty knowing that our families (and of course ourselves), put so much money in to this, and my feelings of this day are predominantly negative. I do have great takeaways like the speeches, seeing the look on my husbands face as I walked down the aisle, and of course, actually being married to such an amazing man, but that's literally it. I'm starting to think a deflective answer like "Oh, well, it was kind of a disaster, but we're married now, so that's all that matters!" but I feel like this is going to piss some people off. I need to talk about this to be able to move on, but not sure who! A therapist maybe? If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

57 Comments

  • J
    Devoted April 2022
    J ·
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    Girl, my heart goes out to you. As rough as it is, I would have one last good cry and put it in the past. You have a beautiful future ahead of yourself and despite the disasters you married the love of your life Smiley heart.

    Wishing you & the hubs many years of happiness!!
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  • Ivy ORP
    VIP October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
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    I don't know that I have advice but my heart goes out to you. I do think at the core you get that the important part was marrying the person you love but I also understand how much time, effort, and hopes are put into planning a wedding. I hope you find even some small way to lighten your feelings about the whole thing and can make new memories soon.

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  • Ceelie
    Expert August 2019
    Ceelie ·
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    Wow, I am so sorry Smiley sad That gave me a little anxiety reading this, with my own wedding coming up in a month. I can't imagine how you feel, but I do understand why you'd be so upset after spending so much time planning and seeing it not come together the way you wanted. I always try to tell myself "everything happens for a reason" although cliche, it is true. I agree with everyone else, I would redo your pictures when you feel ready and don't rush it. The good thing is that it was just one day. I would try to think about all the good things you loved about the wedding, rather than the reverse. Because if you only think about what went wrong, that might be all you end up remembering 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. Plan a lil vacation, distract yourself with hobbies and enjoy the married life. Best wishes!

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  • F
    Beginner November 2019
    Fatima ·
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    I am so sorry to read this. I think you should try to focus on the good of that day. I have a friend that experienced something similar on her wedding day. She went on a honeymoon to costa rica, bought a dress as she wanted it and remarried there. Just her and her husband. She has the most beautiful pictures of that wedding.
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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    My wedding photos are disastrous. My photographer ( my uncle worst mistake ever) got drunk before my ceremony and no one bothered to tell me. I still haven't seen my wedding video due to family issues with my videographer, I am still trying to be patient...but it's nearing the one year mark.....I have hardly any photos with my husband at all. I have one or two photos with my bridesmaids and like 25 of the groomsman and 7 of one of our groomsman's mustache....The venue was horrible and did not work out for what I had envisioned...one I settled on....BIG REGRET! Should have run off to the beach, instead.....

    Needless to say, I honestly am trying to completely forget that my wedding day ever happened because anytime I think about it I get upset.....

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  • Kristin
    Just Said Yes May 2019
    Kristin ·
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    So sorry to hear all of this, love. Sounds like we both went through similar issues and are still dealing with the emotional aftermath. I totally feel you on wishing for a beach or even courthouse wedding. To be completely honest, I was never the girl planning her wedding and dreaming of walking down the aisle, etc. I wanted to elope to Vegas and just have a couple people there, but his mom FORBID it, and said she would cut us out of the family basically.

    I think we both deserve a little but of a do-over. A mini photo shoot with just our partners and those new memories to hold on to!

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  • Erin
    VIP September 2023
    Erin ·
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    I'm sorry to hear that your day definitely didn't go according to plan. I'm not married yet, so I can't even begin to understand from that viewpoint, but you could always do a vow renewal or something when you are financially recovered from this wedding and able to plan slowly and methodically and in your own time? It wouldn't be the same as when you're first getting married, but it could give you some fond memories of exchanging vows with your best friend and the love of your life, and give you a chance to do it the way you always wanted to.

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  • Tamika
    Expert October 2019
    Tamika ·
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    THIS CANNOT BE REAL!!! YOU NEED PART OF YOUR MONEY BACK!

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  • Tamika
    Expert October 2019
    Tamika ·
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    AT THE END OF THE DAY IT IS ABOUT YOU AND NOW YOUR HUSBAND. A WEDDING IS A PAID SHOW FOR PEOPLE TO SHOW UP LOOK AT EVERYONE ATTIRE, PARTY, EAT, AND DRINK. SOME SHOW UP AND BRING NO GIFTS! Stop crying at the end of the day you had a wedding and your can make up with your 1 year Anniversary by going somewhere. I hate that all of those things happen to you and your husband.

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  • Tina
    Savvy May 2019
    Tina ·
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    So sorry to hear about your wedding! But glad, you're slowly feeling better. I did have some small regrets as well, with some little things and nuances, but i try to just dwell on the positive ones. Most importantly that you married a good guy. Yes, this is a good chance to do more photos, and renew vows in the future!

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    I want a complete do-over personally. I am so depressed anytime anyone brings up anything wedding related and it's coming up on a year. I even want to sell my wedding dress because looking at it makes me depressed. I hope yours gets better.

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  • Kristin
    Just Said Yes May 2019
    Kristin ·
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    Same. Any time there is a wedding in a movie, someone brings up theirs, or I see a bridal magazine, I feel my stomach drop, and instantly feel negative and depressed. Going to one in November and also in January, and I'm so nervous that I'll start drinking and crying. I've gotten to the point of not thinking about it EVERY day, but still multiple times a week, I sink into that feeling of what a waste of money, time, effort, etc. I definitely want to sell my dress, as it will never fit, and I'll never wear it again. I'd rather it go to someone who can have a lovely day in it.

    Maybe we should both sell our dresses and use the money towards a reshoot, weekend away, etc. to make some new memories!

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  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
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    I haven't been here in awhile but if any older WW-users remember me I had a disaster wedding day. After my wedding I stayed angry for a long while and once we settled after the honeymoon, immigration nonsense, moving across the state, and starting a new job I was able to realize I needed to move past a lot of things I held onto and started therapy.

    Therapy helped me because my husband was burnt out from hearing it over and over and my friends just didn't get it. I'm not saying you are bad or like me or anything like that but it definitely helped me.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    I have been in therapy now for several months. Due to all the new overwhelming changes, disappointments, and issues between my husband and I being married. Any advice moving forward?

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  • D
    Just Said Yes June 2019
    Darcy ·
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    I got married two months ago and I literally just had the exact same experience as you. I had prepared myself during the planning for things not going to plan and to not allow myself get upset if things weren’t as I thought but actually the things that did upset me, were all the things I didn’t expect to go wrong. Like family issues.


    My take on it is I feel like there is SO much pressure on brides in the lead up to the wedding, the planning, keeping your face beat, your body together, the politics of family and seating, money pressure, dealing with unprofessional vendors and the biggest pressure of all, the dream of what it SHOULD be. The pain of your wedding not turning out like you dreamt is heartbreaking, I totally get it, I felt like that too and still do to some degree.
    What I’ve realised is the most magical moments with my husband have been all the moments I wasn’t prepared for and never dreamt of. Like the night I first met him out of the blue, his face when he saw me with my engagement ring for the first time, holding his hand while shopping and feeling so loved. Life seems to have this way of placing enormous pressure on us to enjoy life’s significant moments, when and how we dictate they should happen. Someone gave me sage advice and said “ you won’t enjoy your wedding day until afterwards”. And maybe in ten or twenty years time you’ll look at your wedding pictures and think “ man, I was beautiful!” Or maybe someone in your pictures may not be with you anymore and they will become so much more precious to you then.
    Weddings are a business, they are carefully crafted moments that sometimes we can’t manipulate to work in our favor. Guests are rude, flowers look crap, hair and makeup look awful, these things just seem to take on a life of their own. But you are not alone in this. It’s hard for me to hear women say “ oh my god I had the most amazing day of my life” I feel so hurt and envious of them. But you know what, if your wedding day is the single best day of your life, what else do you have to look forward to!
    You and your husband are going to have magical unexpected unplanned moments that are romantic and beautiful. Cramming 200 people in a room, feeding them, looking after them and planning it for months and months is not romantic, for anyone! Nor is it ‘ a brides day’ when you do Trojan work and are essentially ‘working’ that day ( one more picture request from my photographer and I actually thought I’d kill him! “ look at each other, move your head, kiss!” Not romantic, or comfortable, nope!
    I also get the sense that you’ve a lot of shame for feeling the way you do. I think you’re perfectly entitled to feel however way you want about your wedding.
    I think the suggestion to have a little ceremony just you and your husband is a great idea. Maybe go for dinner and read your vows to each other again. take a picture of that moment and you’ll cherish it forever.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Ana ·
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    I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am also married to the love of my life and so grateful for that, but so much went wrong at my wedding that it makes me sad when I think back on that day.


    My dad brought a new girlfriend to the rehearsal dinner after I asked him not to. Too long of a story to explain, but it was very very bad. My hair dresser cancelled the night before because of a family emergency. My hair was done by someone else and looked completely terrible. I had ordered a custom made dress online and when it arrived late a couple of weeks before the wedding it was not at all what I had envisioned. I had spent too much time and money waiting for it and didn’t feel like I could get a new dream dress in time so I spent time getting it altered instead. Still never loved it and it was too long so on the day of we couldn’t do our rehursed first dance that we had planned.

    The weather was looking great leading up to the wedding which was very important to us since it was an outdoor wedding. There ended up being a huge heat wave so our guests and our wedding party was so hot and sweating. There were wildfires in California that weekend so the air was dark and smelled of fire. Then to top off the insane heat wave it randomly started drizzling during dinner. Everyone had to get up and get under awnings.
    The catering was completely off. We had several special requests that we communicated to the company that they did not do. They even forgot to put out small utensils during happy hour so we heard the NEXT DAY from some folks that they used their hands to grab some food meant for forks.
    So many more small things went wrong here and there that it would take me forever to write. I just felt shocked by it all on the day of and just walked around feeling numb instead of enjoying myself.
    We didn’t get a lot of poses in so we only have a few photos I like and when I look back at them I often think about everything that went wrong and it just makes me sad.
    I’m happy knowing that it was just one day of my life and that I’m married to the best man I could imagine. I try to think of the few things that went right that day. I also think about how many people have failed marriages but beautiful weddings. If I had a “failed” wedding I’m happy at least to have a beautiful marriage. I also spent time planning the perfect baby shower for myself a few years later and even though it’s different, that made me feel like a chance to redo a really nice party.
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  • Gigi
    Just Said Yes February 2024
    Gigi ·
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    I have serious regrets after my recent wedding. This is why everyone says Don’t Do It!!! Save the money, stupid! But….not one person told me that so here it is for everyone who still has time.
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