How to politely remove my fmil from planning

Could you just not tell her that you guys are going? Or does she already know that you guys are going?

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Unfortunately she already knows we are going. I have considered saying we're not bringing anyone extra, but I don't love the idea of being dishonest if my mom were to tag along as well

View Quoted Comment Then unfortunately I don't think there's a nice way to exclude her from attending.

So you don't want your FMIL to join because she is not contributing financially to the wedding?

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Not that I don't want her to join, I just feel as though as she is not paying (I have no expectations of them, or my own parents contributing financially, we're very lucky that my parents offered), she shouldn't get much say by way of how the money is spent. Coupled wit the awkwardness of discussing finances in front of her

If you’re OK with her touring but not seeing prices can you give a heads up to the venue that you would like to discuss anything cost related privately or have those sent to you afterwards? Alternatively, I would not hesitate to ask her to wait elsewhere while this conversation is taking place, or would go back for that purpose another time.

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I'm thinking this might be the route to go. Perhaps doing the financials via zoom with the venue separately

Oh girl, I feel you. My MIL sent a "non-negotiable" invited list, literally the day after we got engaged. I would not feel comfortable either with my MIL attending if she wasn't really involved in paying/hosting/planning. Can your FI tell her that you can only have 3 ppl tour? what does your FI think?

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I think this would be the better option rather than asking her not to join. She may get the wrong idea and think you do not want her around.

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I am confused by this. I will be (hopefully someday) a mother of the groom and I do not want to be left out of things just because I am not paying money. If they don't expect to have a say in anything, what is the harm? To me, this sounds like you are in a round about way saying "unless you give us money, we don't want you here". I would be really hurt.

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He's walking the fine line trying not to upset anyone, which I understand, but a more firm stance would be appreciated...he does agree that her list needed to be pared down though and some of the other requests being made are non-negotiables

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She does want a say-- she wants 100 friends of her own.

OP, I would just go with FI or FI and your parents as you all are the hosts determining your budget and needs. You can introduce your one chosen venue to the MIL when done.

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You two need to get onto and stay on the same page when it comes to dealing with his mother. Provide her with concrete facts and then don't budge and don't negotiate. His parents don't need to come to everything for the planning. I would find one area that you're not invested in and have them help with deciding that ie cake tasting or something. She can go with your FI to pick out his suit. Those sorts of things.

View Quoted Comment So because you birthed someone you feel entitled to tag along for venue shopping?


She definitely is just saying she doesn't want to talk about financial things with people not involved in the finances. Lots of older people (i.e. parents/grandparents) just do not realize how much the cost has gone up and then want to "help" by finding lower costs and it becomes a burden and nightmare.

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Yes, exactly this. The industry has sky rocketed in terms of prices, and it takes a lot more to get a certain vision accomplished. And it's very awkward and difficult to shut people down in a meeting with a venue rep

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But why would you want to tag along if they don't WANT you to tag along? If my son's future in-laws were paying for everything, I wouldnt want to be anywhere near money conversations - that's not my business, ya know? You can be involved and not attend everything. Ask questions, don't make demands, ask if you can help - that's not being left out and it's how all parents should handle things.

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This is how I feel as well. We've managed to get to a solid place of filling her in after the tours take place, this way she still feels connected but isn't sitting at every meeting hearing the costs

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I never said I "felt entitled" to go venue shopping. What I was saying was that the previous poster made it sound like they didn't want the FMIL there because they were not paying. I would agree with the person that said to discuss the prices and costs at a different time, but just don't shun the FMIL unless she gives money. I have learned how this new generation is a lot from these boards and you are right, the mindset and mentality are quite different from just 30 years ago.

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I am not saying be involved in the money conversations, but not completely left out of the process. Some people come across as "if you want to be involved, there will be an admission fee".

I know how I will be if either of my sons has big events, and I won't make demands, etc. I plan large events as part of my job, so I wouldn't want to be involved in the planning, just would like to be included in things.

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Throughout our venue hunt, which we think has finally concluded (YAY!!) we learned very quickly that including parents in planning does not necessarily mean going to every appointment with both sets of parents as well as bride + groom. Instead we opted to bring just my mom, and give detailed explanations of where everything was with the search to my FIL's. As we get ito more details, there will be more individualized ways to get people involved, that again, doesn't have 6 people tagging along to every tour and meeting