I’m the single daughter of a covert narcissistic mother. I am still in contact with my mother, because I don’t want to lose the relationship with my father. They are still together, my father is suffering from her as well, however he is naive. When I set boundaries and my mother occurs a narcissistic injury my father stays on her side. In these situations he is enabling her behaviour and disrespecting my boundaries.
My parents live 400 miles away.
My wedding is approaching. In March my mother offered me to buy my wedding dress. I accepted this, and now realise that it was a mistake, because she always ties conditions to gifts. She could not come dress shopping because of coronavirus lockdown. This Friday, I will go to the bridal shop for alterations. My parents will visit us and want to accompany me to the alterations. I don’t like it, because I know that my mother will make negative remarks about my body and looks, but I could not set a boundary to her to not come, since she wants to pay for the dress. The more their visit is approaching the more I get anxious and stressed. I’ve been pulling all my books about dealing with manipulative people out of my library, in order to prepare for their visit. I’ve considered making an appointment with a hairdresser before their visit, just to prevent the (old childhood) pain of my mother’s harsh comments about my looks, but I didn’t do it. I could not sleep for last 2 nights overthinking what will happen, when they visit us.
A couple of weeks my mother also mentioned to me that my parents want to stay in total 8 days (4 days before the wedding day, and 3 days after the wedding day) in our city. The wedding takes place in the city where we live. She did not ask what I wanted. She didn’t mention it, but she expects to stay in our house. To my neutral question “Where do you want to sleep?” she reacted very badly through my father. She made my father write a very mean email to me. I know the email comes in fact from her, because I asked my father and he confirmed my suspicions. In following communications, she said that she wanted to talk with me about it during their visit for the dress alterations.
Since I experience so much stress and sleepless nights before their visit, I think it is actually best, if she does not stay at my house before and after the wedding. I want to be able to sleep before my wedding. I don’t want a controlling and negative mother in my house shortly before my wedding. I don’t want a person in my house who makes all the people in the household revolve around her needs shortly before my wedding. She says that she wants to help us with wedding preparations by staying in our house, however, this is not true. My mother has never helped me. In contrast, she only created more work and stress for me, because she expects that I serve her and that she can project her low self-image onto me. She only wants to portray to her friends and other family members the false image of the helpful mother.
However, I don’t know how to tell my parents that they’re welcome to join the wedding, but that my mother can’t stay in our house before and after the wedding. My half-sister and father are welcome to stay in our house. My parents are already on their way for the dress alterations. They’re now having an intermediate stop at friends.
How would you tell this to your narcissistic mother? How do you manage the bad reactions both from mom, as well as enabling father?
