Hurt Feelings - Mother of Groom not invited to participate in day of activities

View Quoted Comment Ahhhh ok. I was going to say if none of his family or friends were invited, that would be very odd, and may signal an issue. It’s stinks that you feel left out, and I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I 100% understand your perspective. I honestly feel though, that this was probably an oversight on the bride’s part. The fact that your son said she would feel horrible if she knew you were feeling this way indicates that she likely is just completely unaware of how you are feeling. And your son probably just doesn’t want to stress her out even more, because weddings can be crazy, busy, and stressful, and he probably sees it more than anyone living with her. If I were in your position, I would just give her the benefit of the doubt that this was not an intentional snub. And I would make it a point to invite her out for lunch or coffee in the weeks following the wedding and just let her know in a very nonconfrontational way that you were sort of disappointed that you were not more involved in the wedding just because you would love the opportunity to become closer to her and grow your relationship, especially since she is the only daughter you’ll ever have! I think it’s awesome you want to host a celebration for them for their one year anniversary! - let DIL know you would love to plan that event together with her!

I am sorry your feelings are hurt, and venting about it here and to your friends is fine. But I wouldn't bring up this laundry list of hurts to your son or his wife any more. There is really no good ending to that.

The bottom line (I think) is that you are going to have to try to set wedding-related slights and hurt feelings behind you, if you want to build a relationship with your future daughter-in-law in the years to come.

There's a whole lot of "I" and "me" in your posts, when, at the end of the day it's your son and his partner getting married. And speaking of your son, this post also reads like you think everything that hurt your feelings is your FDIL's fault. But you have a closer relationship with your son (presumably) so if he didn't want to include you in all of these things, maybe that's on him.

View Quoted Comment Honestly it seems like you’re expecting too much. You have to remember this is THEIR wedding, not yours. Try to focus on that. We didn’t give our parents their own personal guestlists. We did invite their friends and family who are important to us. But we didn’t invite anyone they’re close to just because *theyre* close — we wanted to spend the day celebrating with the people WE are close with. Especially in covid times when it’s important to be extra choosey with guestlists , the couples’ relationships with each guest is very significant. It is very common for parents not to have a small cart Blanche list of guests of their choosing.


You’re of course allowed to have feelings, and I definitely understand it is a bummer to feel left out. But it is important not to lose focus on the whole point of the day, which is celebrating the love between your husband and his fiancée. Go, celebrate, have a good time, and to be frank— get out of your own way. It isn’t an insult to not be included in the bride’s getting ready. It doesn’t seem like any of these things are meant to hurt you, they just had a way they wanted to do things and didn’t think about you. Which stinks of course, it would be great if they had. But it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. I tried to be inclusive and was going to invite my SIL to join us bridesmaids, but she mentioned having another plan already, so I didn’t mention it. The point is just that it’s not a universal expectation that everyone will do this together, so it’s not a diss that you’re not included. My MIL spent most of the pre-wedding time hanging out with the boys, so it’s on your son too. So, try not to treat it so personally, and try to let things go so that you are able to show up and have a good time. Yelp might be a good resource to find a separate salon. You can get gussied up with your BF. Don’t dwell on what you’re “missing” focus on the rest of the day, the moments you will treasure with your son, his happiness, etc. THATS the important part of the big day!

As some of the PP have said, with more and more couples picking up the tab weddings have evolved to focus on the couple and their guest list (vs extended, extended family and parents’ friends, etc.). If the bride is rather reserved and she was highly selective of her wedding party, she’s likely naturally being very choosy in who gets ready with her. I was not planning on inviting my MIL to get ready with me, but my husband gently pushed me to extend the invite. I had hoped she would decline, but she didn’t. The day was enough of a blur that I barely noticed her, but I really wasn’t comfortable with being around her in just a bathrobe having my hair and makeup done! Granted, we are not very close as she doesn’t live near us.


Also, with COVID, couples need to be more choosy on who is invited at all. Looking back we had more declines than expected and could have accommodated a few parents friends, but we were aiming for a small group of our closest friends and fam.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. That makes me sad since my FMIL only has sons she’ll never be MOB. Regardless of how busy she may be or that it’s her wedding day, it’s very inconsiderate of her to not include you in anything especially when you’ve offered. I’m close with my FMIL so I wanted to make sure she felt included on OUR day since it’s not just the bride’s day it’s my FH’s day as well. It sounds like you and FDIL are close which is part of why you’re so hurt by this. I actually asked my FMIL for a family list when making our guest list. If the bride has extended family on her side invited then it’s definitely rude not to extend that to your son’s side as well. My mom invited a few friends to ours that have been her friends for 50+ years and are my siblings’ godparents so they’re like family. If my FH’s family had friends that close I would have definitely extended the invite as well especially if they were paying for their friends as you said you would. If they are wanting to keep the guest list more intimate that’s fine too but her family needs to be fair to his family when it comes to list. Not saying equal number people on each side but if her extended family or friends are then his should be too. We live out of state from my family but about an hour from FHs. My FMIL is excited about having a daughter and I’m lucky to have her as a mom figure since my mom is a plane ride away. My mom has expressed how happy she is I have FMIL though is a bit sad too she’s not here. It’s understandable if your FDILs mom maybe wants this moment with her daughter but I’m sure just telling you that would be better than freezings you out entirely. Sometimes the groom gets wrapped up in the whole “brides day” thing and doesn’t think he has a say in anything just says it’s whatever she wants and stays out of it. I was a bit annoyed when my FSIL and her mom left out my FMIL and FBIL just said it’s whatever she wants he’s not getting involved. I asked my FH to talk to his brother and make sure he knew how his mom felt. The same happened with one of my best friends when her brother got married. She noticed her mom was left out even though her mom and SIL were very close so she told her brother he needed to talk to his now wife about including her in more things. Turned out she didn’t want his mom to feel pressure about being involved financially (even though she had offered to help pay for things) because she had lost her husband within the last year. Sometimes there’s a reason but as the bride or any party host it’s definitely safer not to assume anything and to let you make your own decisions. If you were invited to an out of town shower you could decide whether or not to go instead of having that decision made for you. The hair is a bit of a toss up, one FSIL just did hair with her BMs and I think mom (I think fam friend not professional) while my FMIL had her own person to do her hair since it was local, but my other FSIL booked a salon for everyone including her BMs, flower girl, mom, our FMIL and her mom even. I’ll ask my FMIL her preference which since our wedding is out of state I’m sure she will want to get her hair done with me and my mom.


All of this to sum up, your feelings are valid. The level of inclusion of your FMIL on your wedding has to do with how close you are but also how close your FH is with his mom. If I wasn’t particularly close with her but FH was I would still include her in our day. And being honest, since most men don’t do much of the planning, it 100% is on the bride if she’s the one planning to make sure to include her FHs family in their wedding day because it’s not all about her it’s about two families becoming one. Yes it is understandable with how much she has going on to maybe overlook this but most MOG feel this way and never say anything because they don’t feel it’s their place and that’s just incredibly sad. Your FHs family shouldn’t be a detail accidentally overlooked because you’re a busy bride. PPs are likely responding based on their own relationship with their MIL. Only you know your relationship with your FDIL. Although I would try not to take too much offense to ruin your relationship because it could be a totally innocent reason. Hopefully venting to this forum and knowing your feelings are valid helped a bit.

I see where you are coming from and it would likely hurt my feelings too. Honestly it sounds like the bride’s mom is very controlling, probably because she feels like she is losing her daughter, and wants to cling onto her as much as possible. I’ve had several friends with mothers like this, and honestly there isn’t a good solution this late.

That said, try not to let this impact your feelings towards DIL. She is likely following her mom’s lead bc there is a lot going on, and honestly no single action they have taken is out of line. They simply didn’t take you into consideration.

It isn't often that we hear from the MOG so it is interesting to hear things from your side, though it's also difficult to feel like I am getting a full picture.

Personally, I am planning to include my FH's mom in our getting ready plans, as I included his sister in my bridal party. I didn't invite her dress shopping since it was across the country but made sure to send pics so she felt included. And I did invite the mom of one of my close guy friends who is also an only child, not knowing if she would otherwise get that experience. It never occurred to me that this would upset my mom (I don't think it did), as I was just trying to be inclusive.

Likewise, if y'all live in the same area, I would be surprised that you weren't included in the shower - though sometimes there are 2 or more, depending on the circle of friends/family.

Where I would cut them some slack is the guest list, especially if there are size restrictions on events wherever they are getting married. We did ask both my parents and his parents if there was anyone they wanted to invite, but we did invite 180 people *and* we put significant restrictions on the number of people his parents could have (my parents didn't request anyone be invited). Even with 13-ish people invited, there were a lot more they'd have asked for - including cousins, other friends whose kids' weddings they had been to, etc. - and I had no desire to inflate my wedding that big with people neither of us had met or at least spoken to in 10 years. So I would cut them some slack there.

First, I'm so sorry you've been left out of things you truly would have liked to be involved in. You sound like a kind and caring person who has gone out of your way to provide loving support to both your son and your FDIL. I was the MOB, so I've tried to read your post and the responses and really think about the different perspectives. My husband/FOB and I funded about 80% of daughter and SIL's wedding, with his dad contributing about 15%, and the B&G paying the remainder. From the start all the financial help was, mostly, without strings and the B&G made the decisions about what they wanted. However, Daughter and I are quite close, so she involved me heavily in the research and planning, and generally asked for and considered my input, before making decisions. I'm on the older side of middle-aged and come from a pretty traditional background and concern about etiquette, and for the most part daughter has absorbed those values/concerns. From that perspective, I think much more could have been done to take your needs and feelings into consideration. In my experience, my SIL's mom is VERY different from you. She has a very challenging personality, and his family believes there are likely some undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues. His parents' divorce was extremely contentious on her part and she frequently behaves in ways that are very hurtful toward SIL. Even with all that, she is his mom and as far as the wedding went was MOG, so she was extended courtesies. I agree it would have been nice if some had been extended to you as well.

His mom lives 1500 miles away, but she was invited to the shower -- and, much to daughter and SIL's surprise -- attended. From my generations perspective & etiquette, both moms should be invited to ANY shower. So, in your place, I would also have expected to be invited, even if I lived a long distance and was unlikely to come. Perhaps because you hosted a shower they assumed you wouldn't want to come to the one his family hosted, but I agree with you that traditional etiquette would say you should have been invited.

With the money available to them, in order to have the kind of wedding they wanted our daughter and SIL needed to cap their total guest list at 100; that was tough. We have HUGE families on both sides and the B&G have a large friend group. So, from the beginning, that meant the parents' guest lists -- on both sides -- were really pretty much all family so that the kids could fit as many friends as possible onto the list. Although we paid for the vast majority of the wedding, H and I had only two friend couples who were invited (both have basically been "aunties & uncles" to daughter her entire life or they would not have been invited); FOG had one couple; and we asked MOG and she did want to invite any friends. A total of 6/100 guests at the wedding were friends of any parent, so, on that issue, with a limited budget and guest count, I'm more understanding of why your friends may not have been included. Would it have been nice if they offered you the opportunity to invite at least one couple? Yes, but especially in Covid-times, the guest list could be very limited and they may have already cut their own friends to comply.

Regarding the hair appointments, yes, I agree it would have been nice if they asked if you wanted to make an appointment with everyone else. Daughter and I had a HMU appointment, and she asked her MIL if she'd like one too. Although, MIL came at the end of daughter's appointment, and then we left before she got hers done because we needed to be back at the house for photographer, etc. The BMs did their hair and make-up themselves and just met up with us at the house, so daughter wasn't trying to coordinate a bunch of people though. As others mentioned, in your place, I'd just find a salon on Yelp and make your own appointment (or your hotel might be able to make a recommendation). While it might have been fun to be part of a larger group, it could potentially also be kind of chaotic and stressful (I'm an introvert, so I don't generally mind being left out big groups.... ). At this point, I'd just try to make the best of it.

Bottom line? I'm a huge supporter that each of us is entitled to feel how we feel. If you and I are from a similar background, I can definitely understand how some of this was outside of your expectations and, therefore, hurtful. But, I think the brides who have responded to your post have brought up a lot of good points about why your DIL and son may have made the choices they have. Like they've suggested, I'd probably do my best to accept the way things are, have a positive attitude, and enjoy every second of the wedding. Afterward, I agree it would be fair, to kindly let DIL know you would have loved to have been even more involved and hope you can be in the future.

Good luck and congratulations!

I disagree with most of the commenters and feel for you so much! You should not be cut out of wedding plans like this. If I were you, I would continue to talk to my son about my feelings until he takes action in some way. I would also try to reach out to FDIL to work on opening that relationship and to the MOB to say that I would like to be more involved. Something here is really bothering me too. Could you make plans with your son to do something special day-of after your hair/makeup?

View Quoted Comment This is exactly why I had to exclude my mom from wedding from wedding planning and activities, honestly. I didn’t appreciate her requesting invites for people I didn’t want there and she did because she’s been to their weddings, etc. I’d just leave it be. Brides are under stress, maybe she doesn’t want to speak up to her mom or maybe because she doesn’t know you well she’s not comfortable. Either way, I’d just enjoy the day.

You're allowed to feel how you feel, but you have a LOT of expectations. You're setting yourself up for disappointment.


Many brides get ready with their mother and bridesmaids, but not the MiL. You're not the one she grew up with. It would have been nice of the bride to suggest some salons for you, but your son could have done that with you, too.
I think you should have been invited to the shower thrown by the bride's side of the family, and they should have gone to yours, but maybe they thought inviting you to a shower after you has just hosted one would be burdensome and gift grabby.
It was kind of you to pay for the Save the Dates, but that's not a tit for tat for getting to invite extra guests or "help" with wedding planning. Again, many brides don't involve the MoG in wedding planning. Wedding planning is the responsibility of the couple. In reality, the burden often falls on the bride, and sometimes the bride's mother because she is one of the first sources of support the bride has ever known. If your monetary contributions had strings attached, you should have made it clear from the start. I would hope the couple is gracious enough to thank you for your contribution with a nice card and ideally a gift, but that's all that is warranted. This seems to be commonly done at the rehearsal.
The couple did invite people from your side of the family. The guest list is already at 100. Letting VIP guests such as yourself invite additional guests would have blown up the guest list. The couple is allowed to exclude those they are not close to individually. Someone else's wedding, not even your son's, is not a place for reciprocal invites. Having a post wedding celebration for your friends and family sounds like a lovely idea.
You sound like a generous, caring person, but you're also being overbearing. Take a step back and list out every single thing that makes you upset. If my MiL had come to me with this list of complaints, I would have refunded her the money for the Save the Dates, asked my FH to shut this down, and distanced myself.

Oh what I would do to have my mother with me as I’m planning my wedding... we had a falling out & I didn’t speak to her for 8 yrs (something I’ll always regret). We resolved our issues but she passed away almost 3 yrs ago. I’ve included his mom in a lot of the planning.

You have no right to say who is on the guest list. This is probably why they didn't accept your offer to pay for extra guests. They didn't want anyone to influence their decision. My mom and stepdad are paying a portion of our wedding but, they were clear they would not interfere unless they thought something wouldn't benefit us.

One question that I haven't seen asked yet is, how do you know it's the bride that excluded those members from your side and not the groom? If you asked my FH's grandmother or mother (After they see the guest list) why their friends weren't included (friends who do not care about FH or have even met me) they would instantly blame me, especially since the guest list mostly has my family on it. This is not because I dislike their side but because FH didn't care to have them there. My family is huge (like maybe 30% of them will be invited to the wedding) while his is tiny. We are only planning for 120 and with our friends being a huge priority. If they are paying, they get full control of the guest list.

I don't fully get allowed with my FMIL (mostly because we've never spent time without Doren), and I certainly do not want her or his grandmother in the room while I'm getting ready. (He's grandma once called me fat in a sweater gifted by FH). My mom is like my best friend and has seen me through everything. I think you are having expectations that are way too high.

Also, everything I've been taught about bridal shower etiquette says not to invite the same guests to multiple showers as it seems greedy. So if you hosted a shower, her family would not be going because another shower was planned while also not inviting you because you already hosted a shower.

I'm not trying to be mean but, I really dislike how you are putting all the blame on your FDIL when in reality your son could be just as much a part of it as she and is just trying to spare your feelings.

Ok, I'm coming at this as someone who is really close to her MIL, but doesn't speak to her own mother.

1. I would honestly have expected MIL to want to be with DH that day. (And, well, she was. He got ready at her home.) Even if she had to travel, I would have thought she'd want to be with *her* family. (And it sounds like a good portion of your family will be there.)

2. Mothers of grooms aren't typically involved in wedding planning? Particularly if they don't live nearby? (Mine *does*, and she visited some venues with us, but mostly we did the work ourselves.)

3. Parents don't really get people to invite, anymore, unless those people are very close to the couple. They are too expensive to have a bunch of people the couple doesn't know, and are also very much more reflective of the individual character of the couple. There was *no one* at our wedding that one of us didn't know. And, honestly, anyone further out than 1st cousin really doesn't get invited anymore. IF cousins get invited.

4. When people live more than an hour or so drive away, they don't get invited to smaller events, for the very simple reason of - that's a long drive for a small thing. You threw her a local wedding shower, which sounded like a heck of a drive for her mom, her mom threw her a hometown wedding shower, which sounds like a heck of a drive for YOU. Lucky bride, but also... smart, because then guests didn't have to drive 3 hours each way!

5. I don't know why the bride would know where you should get your hair done? She doesn't live there anymore, she's got a lot on her own plate, and she doesn't know what you'd like.

You are totally allowed to feel a little left out, but please keep in mind that weddings are very different now, than they used to be. Don't hold this against your DIL, she may very well have pressures from her family that you aren't aware of, not to mention, you don't know what kind of feelings *your son* has about the rest of your family.
There's a lot of "everything is DIL's fault" in your post. Please step back and look at the bigger picture.

View Quoted Comment

Rebecca, thanks for replying. None of my family is coming even though my brother and nephews were invited, they all live many states away and would have to fly. None of them are willing to fly yet. I offered to pay for the extra people - honestly I was only talking 2-4 at the most, but they said no. So that's up to them of course. Future DIL and her family have multiple cousins, Aunts/Uncles, Great aunts / uncles coming. I believe it's a courtesy to invite future in-laws to events, even if they don't come. I probably would have gone - it's only a 3 hour drive and I feel like it would have been nice to connect with everyone. I see a lot of posts from people saying DIL would want to be with her own Mom that day and they're probably right. I'm probably just smarting from the fact that as a mother of a son and an only child I'll never get to participate or experience those types of moments. No dress shopping, no helping out, not asked what I though about anything (even if they would ignore it, it would be nice to be included). So - I get it, and I will let it go. I had a son, not a daughter, so that is my reality. Thanks everyone.

View Quoted Comment If this is the reason you don't go, you'll kill your relationship with both of them.


Your family was invited. They don't want to come.
My father was the only blood relative at our wedding, because my mother and her family *didn't like the invitations*. My father's family wasn't invited because the two of us aren't close to them.
If you can go safely, go, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I am so sorry for what you are going through! My Mother in law wanted nothing to do with the planning of my wedding and she did not ask for extra people to invite and she did not offer to help us pay for anything. My mother in law did contribute a little to my sister in laws wedding though

IF there aren't any other issues between the bride and your relationship prior to this (which your post makes questionable), then I think you were just trying to take on the wrong role in the wedding. As mother of groom you shouldn't throw a bridal shower, your responsibility is the rehearsal dinner. You may have offended the mother of bride by stepping on her toes with her traditional responsibilities. Also the day of activities you should do involve assisting your son with transportation day of, greeting/socializing with your side of the family that arrives and perhaps helping son get ready. Perhaps even planning a farewell brunch the next morning. You chose to finance save the dates on your own, so shouldn't be resentfull about it. Most couples like to limit guests to close friends and family at weddings these days and don't prefer to have parents friends (i.e. people they don't know) attend. Saying that they didn't invite any of grooms family makes me think there are larger issues at play here than you've revealed. If that's the case then it seems they may purposely be trying to distance themselves from people they don't get along well with.

LouiseLou, just wanted to say you aren't alone. There are usually some disappointments and hurt feelings of the parents on both sides. As a MOG who was the bank and went well above and beyond to make sure my dil's had the wedding of their dreams 3 times now, there is always something that makes you feel left out or under appreciated. From experience I can tell you if you don't bring it up after the wedding (and what is the point, at that time there's nothing that can be changed) and don't dwell on it you will reach the point where you don't forget but it doesn't rise to the level of needing forgiveness either, it just was what it was. I hope you can get to that point sooner than later. I'm so glad it never affected my relationship with my sons and/or their wives. That long-term relationship is more important than the one day. Just like a marriage is more important than the wedding.

Here's a virtual hug just to let you know your feelings are what they are and don't need to be justified, just managed for your own sake.

I totally understand! My parents are paying for my wedding and my mother is making sure my FIN's are inviting whomever they want and are included in everything.
Plus my BIL lived with my parents for 9 years and they did anything and everything for him. But when it comes down to it # 1 will always be his own family no matter what.