Husband works night shift and it's ruining our marriage!!!

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I am not talking about abuse. Abuse is an absolute deal breaker, because he is not honoring his vows either.

This is something that happens, marriage takes work. That's why the divorce rate is so high in this country because couples see marriage as a disposable object.

Communication is key, communicate with each other and if possible see a therapist.

Since you are clearly aware your husband can't do anything about his hours, maybe you should work part time if possible. This is really hard and the best solution I can offer. All the best.

View Quoted Comment Honestly, it's not fair to attribute the high divorce rate to people viewing marriage as a disposable object.

You're totally right that a marriage takes two. But when the other partner isn't putting forth the effort to improve the situation, they aren't holding up their end of the vows. It's easy for someone from the outside to say you need to work through it, it's just a tough time. It's different when you're the person in that situation.

OP- this situation sounds like it's gone too far for you two to improve it on your own. You both need to be looking for solutions, not just you. Reach out to a therapist. If FH can't come with you, go by yourself, but I highly recommend you both go because this isn't only your problem.

You said it was temporary though, In a few years he will get the seniority and the hours to get some better shifts.

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Thats way too long for a maybe scenario.

I suggest speaking with counselor or pastor together. I wouldn't ask but just set up the appointment (take a day off to accommodate his schedule @ 1st). Good luck, I cant imagine.

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I have known my husband for 16 years and he has been my best friend all 16 years so I know all about communication. This is why this situation is so hard is because for the first time in 16 years our main foundation is crumbling. I don't see it as a disposable object but I also refuse to live my life miserable or being married but never have time to communicate with my husband. Marriage takes time and work from both people. It is a 100/100 effort not just 50/50. But if one side (me) is putting all the effort and trying to make it work including me bringing up a therapist and the other one does not...I'm just suppose to take it? I am suppose to just sit there with my mouth shut and just accept that there is no way that anything can change because he's not trying. I'm not trying to be mean at all. I'm just frustrated and upset because I know how a marriage is suppose to be but I'm not getting it from the other end. I'm not giving up right now but I'm not going to let this keep going forever either.

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Possibly. He's one of the last people that have been hired so there's people in front of him. It's not guaranteed that he would even be moved. The majority of 3rd shifters stay 3rd shifters.

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Thank you for the advice. I will try something because it is too far gone for us to try on our own. I know I'm not perfect either so I want it to work out for us both.

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Thank you but we cannot afford for me to work part time either. It is really hard but I appreciate hearing everyone's advice. It helps me to have a better thought process on how to move forward.

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Thank you so much for this. I don't expect depression. I know he's experiencing it now since we have been talking about the situation at hand but so am I. I wish it was that simple but it's so complicated.

I work night shift 11-7 I only do 32 hours a week my fiancé schedule is 9-5 we get to see one another before he goes to work and when he gets home I’m already up and done picked the kids up from school every night before I go to work we make sure we spend time together we eat dinner together right after the kids go to bed which is 8:30. I sacrifice a lot of sleep but to keep him happy and to keep our spark I do what I have to do. Working overnight is no joke you sleep more then what you are supposed to because your body is just simply tired. I’m not taking his side but I do understand how he feels but it’s also a two way street he has to make the effort too.

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I don't think you're picking sides at all. You just understand the night life. I'm glad that you are making it work. You sacrifice the sleep to try to make it work and he does not want to. You have to make sacrifices to make things work but it cannot be on just my end either. Both of us have to try to make it work. I think the problem is he works between 54-84 hours a week which makes it all worse. IDK I'll have to figure it all out.

I also work the night shift. I work 12hr nights 530pm-6am..my FH is an attorney who works days. I know it is difficult, but you two need to stop focusing on the negative and spend more time on the positive.
Can you alter your schedule even 10 minutes, leave a little later in the morning or take a shower together or ANYTHING "together" so that when he comes home in the morning you get a solid hug and a kiss and help him unload things as you're waking up? Can you feed your daughter and put her to bed and then go spend 30 minutes snuggling in bed with him before he wakes up to leave?
Can he wake up 20 minutes sooner to help put you to bed and snuggle in before he actually get a up and goes about his day? Etc.. how about leaving notes or little things out or for his lunch or in places he wouldn't expect and vice versa, he can do the same - a text he or you will see on a lung break or a video message or send a flirty photo or a joke- small things can make HUGE impact.

These are tiny increment amounts but they make the world's biggest difference when you are needing a human connection. If you can do those small increments, consistently, you will see improvements in attitude and in trying to make changes. As much as you need it please remember: HE NEEDS IT.
And again I know it is hard, but focus on the positive things happening: he's getting quality time in the morning helping your daughter with her routine and getting her off to school and anything else. Try to find the small moments and realize how big of an impact those actually are and focus on those positive things, recognize and praise those, then search for ways to improve in small amounts and build from that - stop thinking in drastic sensese/changes as much as possible.

My FH is also on nights and I’m on days. He’s been on nights for a majority of our 4 year relationship with deployments in between. He is the worst on nights just constant zombie mode when he is up especially when he can’t sleep that day. If we have a night together, usually he can’t sleep all night because he’s so use to being awake during that time so he’lI go to the gym or go watch tv at 3 AM.


But this is our normal right now and I cherish the time we do have together whether it be a couple hours or just the 15 minutes before I leave for work in the morning. I make sure to do little things so he’s feeling appreciated like making dinner to take to work or give him a back massage before he lays down. I also make sure to communicate when I’m feeling cooped up or have cabin fever and need to get out of the house and go do something, otherwise I get edgy and he’s already on edge which doesn’t help any situation!

I think it’s quality over quantity and as long as both of you feel appreciated for the sacrifices you’re both making right now for eachother then things will turn around. Don’t give up, just get that spark back!

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I second this. My fiance works nights right now, and has for approximately the past year--we try to fit in little bits of time for each other, but it's become both physically and mentally exhausting. He is making an ultimatum to his employers, and if he does not get switched to day shift, he will find something else. Him and I both agree that there are very few jobs out there that are worth this sort of strain--I'd rather have to manage our income closer and have him make less money than see him as little as I do. But in the meantime, we do make it work--I have family watch our daughter some weekend nights so I can nap after work until he gets home and we have a few hours to spend together afterward. Leaving little notes and texts and always making sure we show our appreciation for each other helps. It's hard on everyone--especially my daughter who doesn't get to see him at all except for the 20 mins or so in the morning when he takes her to the bus. But we've made the decision that this will not last forever, and at this point, we're both so done with it. Unless his employers (this was originally just a winter job for him, but they BEGGED him to stay) comply with switching his shift, he'll move on to something else, because our family is more important to both of us than anything. Even if he made amazing money (he makes okay money where he's at, but it's not crazy), I don't think either of us would want him to stay on night shift. Third shifts are for people who don't have familial responsibilities... Is it really worth any amount of pay to be away from the people most important to you? How does he feel about that? He should consider moving on to something more practically maintained with a family...

My FH and I of course aren't legally married yet, however, we have been together 7 years. He used to work int he chemical plants. He didn't work nights but he worked 15 hour days 7 days a week for a good 6 months. So by the time he got home, he wanted to eat, shower, and sleep. We had no time with him. (we meaning my 2 children and I. He also took on the role of a father to them) I would feel bad when I would complain because here I have a hard working man, like I always wanted. (My dad is a hard worker and I knew that's what I wanted in my FH) He makes sure we are good and have everything we need/want. Except the BIGGEST thing and that was HIM. I would be lying if I said we didn't argue when he was home because I was starting to be really lonely and depressed. I had 0 help at home because I to, worked a full time job and didn't get home until about 6 PM with my commute from work to home. Our yard went to crap. It was really hard. It wasn't until I stopped and really thought hard about everything, looked at the bigger picture... I was being soooo selfish. It's not like my FH loved working those 15 hours days and coming home and not spending time with his family, it's that he did what he had to do for us to have our 2 nice vehicles, our nice house, etc.... But, thank God that only lasted 6 months. Because Idk what I would have done if it went on and on. Fast forward 3 years and he got in another job that when it was cropping season at the farm he would be gone from 7 am - 12 am I was like NOOOO NOT AGAIN. He did that for almost 3 years. It's hard being without your significant other. Do I think him working long hours should ruin a marriage/relationship? Heck no! I think a marriage is worth fighting for as long as the love is there.

My fiance has a similar schedule. I work 9-5 and he works 2-11. So I leave when he is sleep and he gets home when I am sleep. He does has weekends off most times or only does 6-6 weekends so we spend as much time as we can during that time. It sucks and I am looking for a job that has a similar schedule but it is hard to find one with the same pay rate/benefits so right now we are just making it work. Also helps that we do not have kids yet.

Hi hun, I totally understand where you are coming from. I’ve been with my husband for over 10years. He does 10/11 hour nightshift, at full time employee. I. t’s very hard, we have arguments over not seeing each other or our daughter! And being stuck at night all the time by myself 😞 It get very lonley,, I know he does it was I don’t have to work full time and do school stuff. But after 5years it’s just not healthy doing years of only

So I hear everything you write ! Just remember marriage isn’t easy! People say for other jobs. But we leave in South Australia, and the job rate here is so bad!

I’m sorry this is happening to your marriage. It is a hard situation. I’m a nurse and I work three nights a week 7 pm-7:30 am, but on those three days all I can do is work, sleep, wake up, get ready, eat, and drive back to work. I feel bad because my husband says he misses me and I miss him, and then on my days off I feel so tired I sleep them away sometimes. I did it for a a year and four months, but starting in June for wanting to see my husband more and also because I’m pregnant and can’t do that job with a newborn, I’m switching to four days a week a 4:30-12:30 shift and then I can see him my days off and before work. I know you talked to him, but could you ask him if there are any other jobs he could do and switch his shift? Or could he cut back his hours and could you live without the extra funds? I know it’s a tough situation but you deserve to see him and same with him for you. I hope things get better for you!

IMO, Its time for a serious conversation about him having a new career path. It doesn't sound like there is another option. Really. This is your life. This is his life. No job is worth this. Sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Make a plan, and make a change.