i am posting this anonymously due to conflicts. Any advice is appreciated.

Oh, I'm so sorry. That sounds terribly stressful.

One question - did your fiance's father and stepmother already provide the money to you / vendors, or did they promise to do it later? I feel like setting boundaries could be easier if it's too late for them to change their minds. On the other hand, if the money is promised, you have the option to release some of that guilt by covering those costs yourselves or reducing your budget. In the "easier said than done" department, I hope you can feel less guilt for setting boundaries around things they're doing that are stressing you out. They theoretically offered the money to HELP you, not to buy a "making the bride cry and panic" pass.

Other advice on people with strong preferences: Scale way back on conversations with all of his parents about your plans, choices about the wedding, events such as dress shopping, etc. The fewer details they know, the less they can disagree with. When you do talk with them, or when they come to you with another suggestion, "great idea! we'll think about it. By the way, [subject change]." Or channel those conversations into decisions that feel lower-stakes for you. Maybe folks can bring those Really Strong Opinions about end-of-pew decorations, flower girl headbands, the style of your cake cutting set... Pick your preferred sandboxes, and let them burn off that energy there.

Your worry about putting a strain on the relationship - do you mean your fiance's relationsip with his father and stepmother? (I assume you don't mean your own relationship with his stepmother, because that is already very strained by how she's treating you!) Is your fiance worried about that? Have you asked your fiance how he wants to handle it? I'm so glad he's backed you up so far. Keep checking in with him, but if he says he's willing to stand that ground with you, take him at his word. You don't need to what-if and make things more stressful for yourself by assuming he won't really want the consequences of what the two of you agreed to.

You could totally decide that just your mother will help you get ready, not anyone else's mother. I think lots of brides have their future spouse's mother there, but lots don't. Maybe your fiance can say he really wants his mother and/or stepmother to be part of HIS getting ready. I know "groom's mother pins on his boutonniere" is a standard wedding photo shot, so this is also normal and not a glaring snub.

I'm curious what would happen if you gave his two mothers a list of events and let THEM decide who would do what, since you "out of kindness to them" don't want THEM to experience the stress, etc. But realistically that might be drama too.

I don't really have any great advice, although I do know how awkward divorced family situations can be. BUT - that being said - just because someone gives you money for your wedding doesn't mean they are owed anything. Giving money for a wedding should be out of love, not because you want something in return. So if for example, you don't want the stepmom coming to your dress appointment - then don't invite her! If she says anything, which it sounds like she will, just say that you wanted to keep it small. Just remember nobody is owed anything.

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I wish this were true, but very often we see here that money comes with strings attached. Not saying it's right, but it's reality.

Step parent put money into the wedding event which includes guest experience and public displays. She can provide input there, but as there is equal financial backing from your family, there is no need to go along with ecer

* sorry mistyped.
*There is no need to go along with all her advisement. She should also not make your own mother cry and you should find and maintain boundaries. If need be, say "my mother and I have this handled" and change the conversation. Repeat exact words as needed and she will get the point she's iced out for her insensitivity.

Now while the wedding is public, your preparations are Private. You can choose who you want with you, and that include your mother, your WP, or no one at all. Choosing your gown should be on your own terms as well. Think anytime you're getting naked or having a moment w/your FS as Private, and no one is entitled to be a witness. Find and maintain your boundaries because you are an Adult, just like all these Mothers. I find giving people silence when they're pushy rather than undue explanation over my choices unnerves them. I keep my power and they can keep spinning and talking to air.

Hi there, I would have a heart to heart with his step mom and communicate how grateful and appreciative you are of the financial support she’s giving and the help she’s being. Then I would communicate that it’s been difficult to navigate her and his real mom and that you need her help with this because of the conflict. Let her talk to you about her feelings and explain that you don’t think she’s trying to be malicious or has any bad intentions but it’s straining you & you need her support emotionally to help keep the peace.


It would be insane for anyone including you to expect you to be the sole peace keeper throughout your entire wedding process. Since his family has be generous enough to financially support I think it’s a smart move to tell her you need her emotional support and the way she can help is to keep the peace because it’s weighing on you.
As for her opinions on your wedding, I’m not sure if she solely is financially supporting it or if his dad and her are both financially supporting but as long as you stay within the communicated budget, you do not owe an explanation for why you want what you want. I’m not sure the extent of what she wants verses what you want, but if it’s something that very much matters to you and that’s you’d like please voice it and say “that’s a really great idea, but I’m not sure that’s my style” or “I don’t think I’m really into that, but it’s really cool” try out subtle bluntness like that and see how she responds. You’ve already talked to her I’m not sure if talking to her a second time would make it worse to be honest with you, but you can always say hey “I really love this and want it at my wedding, this makes me happy”and smile!!!
At the end of the day it’s your wedding and your priority is marrying your husband to be. I’m a fan of confrontation and I think communication works better with it. As long as you approach her with respect and love and don’t blame her, you just need to tell her how you it hurts you, you have no regrets on how the conversation can go. If you set boundaries on having her be peaceful around his real mom, she can feel like she has a task and make that her mission to help you keep the peace. I hope this works if you use it. But whatever you do, pray on it!

View Quoted Comment Thank you all for your input. My fiancé had a conversation with them about a lot of these issues. I will also have a separate conversation with them. They have not given us the money yet and though I am appreciative of that offer I may end up declining it if this goes any further. As for the dress shopping it’s just me and mom that I’ve decided on having there. Thank you all again!!

Congrats on your engagement. Family dynamics can be so tricky esp when divorces are involved. I think I d just say I think I m going to be very emotional of the wedding morning and plan on getting ready with my mom and bridesmaids. I look forward to seeing you at x time for photos. If you d like you can offer to help them find a hair and makeup person if needed. If your husband wants them with him getting ready then he can deal with that. But my guess is your dad isn't getting ready with him so his moms should be fine not getting ready with you. Remember its totally ok to say no thank you and keep it moving. Best of luck!