i don’t want my dad at my wedding

First I am so sorry you are dealing with this from your father. No daughter should have to hear such rude and unforgiving words come from a man who is suppose to protect her and her children. I have always felt that just because a man is your father doesn't mean he should get the benefits a dad gets. This is your wedding and you should tell your mom how you feel about him being there, and out of respect she should understand.

My dad and I have somewhat fallen out over the past few months and don't see that relationship getting better. My mom and I have always had a rough relationship and my brother is more like someone who I had to call brother because he was my sibling. Not to mention my dads side of the family are the type of people who sweep things under the rug and pretend everything is perfect and if you have a problem they cast you out. I also have a low case of anxiety from my daughter and I feel that I might go through it again with my soon to be born son. With these issues it made it easier to decide to plan an elopement.

I don't know where you are in your planning process but if you want to elope that is something for you and FH to talk about. I don't think that you should if you have already put down deposits and wouldn't get it back, I wouldn't want you to lose your deposits over one guest. Talk to your FH and see what he thinks then talk to your mom and see how she feels. If it were me and she was to say anything about "but that's your father" (like mine would) I would change things. You can still have your mother there to see you get married if you elope because you will need a witness.

I would advise against getting your mom involved. She's still married to him and clearly knows the situation. I don't think she's going to side with you here, no matter how wrong that is.

Are they paying for any part of the wedding? If not, then don't invite him. This is one situation where it would be OK to invite one half of a couple and not the other.

It's OK to have boundaries and say no to abusive people. If he's been behaving that way I can totally see why you don't want him at the wedding. Take care of yourself and your kids, that's what's important.

So. I would decline any and all gifts from them, money or otherwise. Gifts come with strings attached, including taking the reins on things and up to having your Dad there. She's never going to be OK with your Dad not being there.

Seems like you have two choices; invite them both /or pay for the wedding that you want and can afford and invite whomever you want. I don't think she's going to bend on any of it.

I do agree with Jacks about not accepting money from her. No, you should have to be the bigger person in this situation. Your father should realize what he said was wrong and apologize. You did nothing wrong! You did what a mother should have, which was to stand up for your kids. Eloping doesn't mean just going to Vegas, even though that's where we are going lol. Since you haven't put anything down you still have can do whatever y'all would like. Good Luck and I hope everything works out.

I couldn't agree more. Have a joyful day filled with people that love and respect you. If that is a scaled down version of what you had expected, it will still be all yours. You don't need to play along with the happy family fantasy when you know it isn't true. Boundaries are healthy and they are good for you in the long run.

It seems like you're going to get backlash from your family no matter what choice you make. Your father absolutely does not deserve to be at your wedding. The comments he made are vile and disgusting in general let alone to his own daughter and grandson. I am so sorry someone who is supposed to love and care for you is treating you this way. I know your mom wouldn't attend the wedding without your dad, which is her choice, but is also incredibly unfair to you that she lets abusive comments like that get swept under the rug. Do you really want any of your family there? I know your mom wants to see you get married, but it's time to draw strong boundaries. She either sees you get married, or she stands by your dad's abusive behavior.

If you don't really care about your family being involved, I say don't take any of their gifts or money. Get eloped, and then if your fiance wants a bigger party or something, plan a separate reception later on. Your wedding is about you, your fiance, and your child. Make the decision that is going to make you happy.

Can I ask, if your mom was willing to show up without your dad, which route would you truly prefer?

If you really would love your micro wedding without your dad in the picture, I say still hold the micro wedding and put your mom's decision entirely on her. You invite her but make it clear that she's gonna have to choose between bringing your dad or attending alone. The onus is then entirely on her and not you.

If you would only have the micro wedding to appease your mom's desire to be there, but would actually prefer to get eloped anyway then just have the elopement.

I know it's difficult to come to terms with, but the decisions you make don't have to be for anyone else's benefit. You can set healthy boundaries, and you can also refuse to receive backlash. If your mom decides to attend without your dad but constantly makes comments you simply say "I'm glad you chose to come but I will not be entertaining anymore conversation around why I didnt want dad here. If you cannot respect that boundary I will no longer be speaking to you." As hard as it is, youre going to have a much happier life without toxic family in it if they cant support your wishes than by continuing to try and appease them.