i don’t want to marry my fiancé’s family.

This sounds like a FH problem, not a family problem. Why is he letting his family behave this way? Why is he maintaining relationships with people who disrespect his future spouse? That would be a major red flag for me.

I can say I’ve dealt with the same similar situation.. my fiancé’s mom I’m sure really doesn’t care for me and from someone who came from a very well mattered and loving family it’s hard for me to deal with it.. our wedding is in about 70 days and she still hasn’t bought her dress. I was just told from my fiancé that she will not be attending my bridal shower due to unforeseen circumstances which makes no sense but I just let it go.. I’ve cried a couple of times because her nor my brother in law and sister in law really have no reason to not like me but at the end of the day when me and my fiancé took pre martial counseling and we were able to talk I realize I’m not marrying them I’m marrying him and he will be my family. I go over once every couple times he goes to his moms but other then that I’m totally fine with not going. Christmas Eve my sister in law and mother in law didn’t even speak to me but I will never change who I am to make them feel better about me! I just say if your fiancé is okay with it do what makes you and him happy. Sometimes even family can be toxic! If you are truly happy with him and the same for him.. continue on because my Mother in law will NOT stop what me and my fiancé have. I’m happily marrying her son and I could have a damn on who has a problem with it 🤷🏾‍♀️

I would go to couples counseling together to come up with ways to deal with this together. A lot of it will be your fiance standing up to his family and not tolerating them being rude or treating you poorly. If you are still able to, I'd try to be the bigger person & be cordial but distant and don't include them with things you don't have to.

View Quoted Comment Not always a red flag some people just have no filter.. my fiancé defends me all the time but it’s only so much he can say without disrespecting his own mother.

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Stopping someone from bad mouthing your spouse isn't disrespectful. I would cut off anyone who couldn't be respectful to my wife and she would do the same. Your husband's job is to stand up for you and your relationship. Letting people (even family) speak negatively of you means he's not doing his job and that would give me major doubts.

Is it your FH who is telling you to suck it up? If so, that to me is a huge red flag and requires immediate attention by both of you.

This is tough. No one gets to decide who their parents or their in laws are to a point. But we do get to choose how it affects our life. You left out one key question: Where is your FH in all of this? Where do they stand? Do they protect you? Do they try and keep family in check? If they don't try to make things better for you then you have your answer.

View Quoted Comment Of course it’s his job to stand up for you and support you! I never said it wasn’t his job I’m just saying sometimes you can’t help what anyone says about you period! Rather it’s family or not! My fiancé stands up for me all the time! && supports his decision of asking me to marry him. But you also can’t control what comes out of someone’s mouth. You can cut them off but it won’t stop them from talking! Dealing with this situation myself Ive learned no reaction is the best reaction & shuts down the whole conversation! Pre martial counseling is the best option! It’s worked for us and it can help her.

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I think a LOT of this is cultural. I grew up in new york but my mother is Brazilian and immigrated here in her late 20s so our house and customs are very traditional Brazilian. That being said the way I am expected to talk to her is a lot different than the way my FH talks to his mother (three generation american). So what may seems like "standing up" in one family can be "disrespectful" in another. I don't think there is every a one size fits all for this situation.

View Quoted Comment Very true I agree

View Quoted Comment I can see why you would think that he is part of the problem. But he’s just not a confrontational person. He doesn’t stand against his family. His response was usually “I don’t know why they are like this. They are normally loving people.” But I have yet to ever experience the people he said they are. I have even read threads of texts from many of his family members that prove they aren’t the nicest people and how little they care for me. And I have NEVER disrespected back anyone. I’ve always brought it to his attention he said he would speak to them and well, they’ve never stopped. When we don’t have to deal with them we are great. It’s when they are around that it’s a problem. (Well...... they talk bad about me even when I am not in their presence.) He knows I am bothered by them. He knows I don’t care for them and how they’ve treated me and he agrees I don’t deserve it and never provoked it. But it’s his family. So he doesn’t seem to know what to do and neither do I. (Secretly.... I wanted a destination wedding more than anything after he said if we had one -even two hours from home, they wouldn’t attend.)

View Quoted Comment K completely agree. If fiance is the one telling you to suck it up that is 100% not okay. He should be standing up for you to his family and if they can't be respectful then he needs to tell him he will not tolerate. Has his wife, he needs to defend you.

View Quoted Comment No we both are the same background. Same culture. It’s not a difference. And when I say disrespect.... I mean actual disrespect. Calling me out of my name, putting their hand in my face when they don’t feel like being greeted. Ignoring me in our home. Dismissing me when he walks away and they don’t feel like talking to me further. Saying I’m a type of woman not a woman to keep. That they are family and I need to suck up how they treat me because of who they are. I mean actual disrespect. Not a miscommunication of what disrespect is. Those things are disrespectful in a culture.

View Quoted Comment Well it definitely sounds like he is part of the problem. If he isn't willing to stand up for you then that's a major red flag. Based on this, he is going to continue to allow his family to treat you poorly and you have two options: 1. Live with it or 2. Get out before it is too late. This should have been addressed previously, but at this point their behavior likely won't change and he is doing nothing to prevent. Since you are already experience problems with his family now I don't foresee it getting any better. While you love him, are you okay with his family continuing to do this for the rest of your life and him doing nothing about it? Only you can answer that question.

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Yeah, you need to make it clear that being non-confrontational isn't an option here. He's an adult and he needs to take care of the situation. Otherwise this is going to continue for the rest of your marriage and will impact any future kids that you may choose to have. Maybe counseling is the best option.

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Yeah if he doesn't stand up for you this is going to just get worse if you decide to have kids. How are your kids going to respect you if they see grandma disrespecting you and dad not doing anything about it? I dont mean to be harsh this this kind of stuff only gets worse as life goes on

View Quoted Comment We aren’t having kids. My son is almost 19. His two are nearly teenagers. I don’t want more children. But I agree.

I've read all the comments on the post and at the end of the day he is not standing up for you like he should. First of all I'm not going to let anyone parents call me out of my name and still be respectful towards them or put their hands in my face. They don't have to like you but they need to respect you especially when they are in your home. You need to have a serious talk with him because him just brushed it off and say he's not a confrontational person or he doesn't understand why they are like that is ridiculous. I know you love him and I'm sure he's a great guy but he needs to realize that you are his wife and his family being disrespectful to someone that's going to be a part of his family and will share his life with his life with is not cool. He may not want to yell at them and he doesn't have to but he needs to sit down with them and have a serious talk up they didn't even start respecting you or they are not welcome in your home and honestly I wouldn't even want to attending my wedding if they treat me like that. At the end of the day someone's family may not like the person that someone is marrying so unless you are just a horrible person that is ruining their son they have no reason to treat you like that. Again I'm a firm believer that people don't have to like you but they need to respect you.