I apologize in advanced for the long post, but I know this needs context.
My husband and I have been married for 8 months now, and we were together for a little over 4 years before we got married. For the first year of us dating his mother and I seemed to get along great. Around a year and a half of us being together I moved in with him and his parents. A couple of months later we got in a HUGE fight with his parents and we moved out. When we got engaged in 2018 we ended up moving back in so we could save for our wedding and future home. It was clear that ever since the fight his mother never wanted a relationship with me beyond a superficial level. (The fight was a matter of little things building up over time and a lot of miscommunication - nothing serious happened). Moving back in I have never felt comfortable leaving our room. When his parents are home I won't go downstairs without my husband because I feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome. It has really hindered me from living my life when I feel like I can't even leave my bedroom.
A month after getting married we got a golden retriever puppy. Of course we sat down with his parents to discuss this since it is their house. They were all for it just with a couple of rules; don't let him pee or dig where the yard has been redone and stuff like that. We have followed all these rules but the dog has definitely added a lot of attention. They have a little terrier mix who has never been trained, ignores you when called, and pees around the house to mark his territory. We wanted our puppy to go through basic training for obvious reasons. Obviously we have very different ways of raising a dog than his parents, and anytime we did anything different than their way with their dog they wouldn't say anything but make it clear on their faces that they disapproved. Our dog is in a crate for no more than 5 hours while I go to school or work, and any long day for me we bring him to daycare. Now this is absolutely unacceptable to them because their dog is able to roam freely around the house and come and go as he pleases. We also don't let our dog have human food particularly because he has digestive issues and has to be on a prescription diet (which for whatever reason annoys my MIL). They go behind our backs constantly with him. I've come home from work to our dog downstairs playing with their dog (who we don't let our dog play with anymore because theirs will randomly snarl and attack ours) without my husband nor I having been asked or let know he was being taken out of the crate. Yesterday I asked my FIL if he minded taking our dog out to pee and putting him right back in the crate while I went back to work for the first time in weeks due to coronavirus. When I got home I found out he had taken him on a walk, let him run around the house with their dog, etc. Which the walk and stuff is fine but it's the fact that there's no communication and they're not listening to our wishes. When she was telling me everything they did with our dog yesterday I had mentioned that we don't really want him playing with their dog, especially right now with our dog having warts in his mouth (super common but still contagious) and we didn't want their dog to get them.
I know from a conversation my husband and his mom had that she feels she can't be open with how she feels ever since the huge fight that led us to moving out, which I understand. So yesterday I had noticed she seemed upset with our conversation earlier despite the fact she didn't say it. So after taking my dog for a walk I came back in and asked if she had a moment to talk and said it seemed like she was upset with our conversation earlier. I wanted to give her a chance to tell me how she was feeling since I knew she wouldn't without me asking. From the start she was snappy with me and giving me attitude. Now I'm not an angel and my husband knows I can be sassy and stuff when I'm mad, but I went into this very calm because this is my MIL and I live in her house for free and wouldn't want to hurt our already fragile relationship. So I started with "I know we have very different ways of how we raise our dog vs how you raise yours" and I was immediately cut off as she started going off at me about everything she disapproves of, claiming he gets no exercise (I take him on at least 2 long walks a day and play with him outside as much as possible) etc etc and that they're sick of watching how their dog gets treated which I asked what she meant (all of this in a very non-threatening sincere tone because I really wanted to have an open communication and understand how they feel) and she then cut me off and said "let me stop you right there little missy" and went OFF at me. I responded calmly with "I was hoping we could have an open and mature conversation about this" and then she SCREAMED at me "MATURE? MATURE? IM 61!!" and start throwing her head back screaming some more telling me to go upstairs and swearing at me. Then tried saying "now we see the true Ashley". Ok now I know you're probably thinking, "come on you must've done something to set her off" but I promise you 100% I was calm the entire time without a hint of hostility. I am in absolute disbelief that this exchange actually occurred because I cannot understand how me sitting down saying "hey I can tell you were upset, can we talk about it?" turned into screaming, swearing, and me being a POS.
I love my husband more than anything in the world. And in 2 years we're planning to move to Quebec City once we're both done with school. I know it'll get easier once we don't live with his family anymore. But the fact is, I cannot stand his family. His brothers aren't great people, his dad's ok, but his mom is making my life unbearable. I have no interest in ever seeing his family again. I know this isn't fair to my husband and I would never ask him to cut them out. But it's also not fair for me to have to be so miserable and be part of a family I will never like nor do they like me (really just one of his brothers and his mom but still). I'm completely at a loss of what to do.
