i need advice badly - Bridesmaid Etiquette

The only thing she should have to buy is the dress. Is there any way you can get it for her or show some under $50 options to her? I don’t see how her financial constraints would affect much else.


As far as the BF, I’d have an open chat with her about it. Tell her what makes you uncomfortable about inviting him. Have an open conversation with her.

You asked, and she said No, and that's really all you can do. Maybe you could give her some specifics around financials that you think she might have to spend. Is it a destination wedding? Financially, what do you expect she will incur besides the dress? If she is a good, close friend (which I am assuming she is since you asked her to be a bridesmaid), is it within your means to help cover the cost for her dress so that you can still have her next to you like you planned?

Removing her as a bridesmaid and potentially ending a friendship because you don't like her new partner seems rather extreme. Not excusing his behavior, but I wouldn't let that impact your relationship with her. And if it is a new relationship, who knows if they will even still be together in nine months.

Unless this is a destination wedding, there shouldn’t be any expenses incurred other than the cost of her bridesmaid dress. Could you maybe cover the cost of the dress for her? (It is actually very common for brides to pay for BM dresses even when there is not a financial hardship at play). As far as the new spouse goes, will he even want to attend? If his girlfriend is a bridesmaid, he will be spending a ton of time alone with strangers, so there’s a chance he may not want to go anyway. If he does want to attend, I would just tell your friend you would prefer he not discuss politics at your wedding, as you and many of your guests will have differing opinions, and it is not an appropriate venue for political discussions/arguments. (I would hope that would be common sense, but you never know with some people lol)

I can't imagine losing a friendship over them having money troubles. If you care about her, I would just pay for whatever she can't afford. If you also can't afford it, then you have probably asked for too much financial outlay from ALL of your bridesmaids and I would cut back.

Does she maybe already have a dress in the correct color or try to buy one second hand cheaper? A lot of bridesmaids will sometimes try and sell their azazie or davids bridal dress online. Do you have any extra in your budget to help her?

Other than the dress, there isn't much else for her to pay for. If it's a matter of not being able to afford to rent a room, get a flight, etc then that's a different story, and she wouldn't be able to attend at all, which I don't get from your post

Some of the reasons these moves are friendship ending, is because:

1. You would be making the decision for her after she has told you no she wants to be in the bridal party. This is no different than the stories of brides making the decision to not ask or demote those who are pregnant without discussing it first.

2. Being a bridesmaid tells her that you consider her one of your nearest and dearest. Asking her to step down (over financials) tells her that she is now not good enough because she can't afford the dress you want. Some may not put a lot of emphasis on a bridesmaid, but others do.

Also, communication is not confrontation. You can communicate with people without confrontation even if the conversation is awkward. Have a conversation with her about her bf's attitude and that it won't be acceptable.

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I guess I just wrote this out too fast and should have included our wedding is somewhat of a destination wedding. Which all bridesmaids were made aware of waaaaay before acceptance or proposal. I've always wanted to get married at a resort and the bridal party was made aware that it would be more expensive to stay. So my girls will not just have the expense of a dress (which wouldn't be too bad) but transportation and lodging which is where it gets a little more pricey and I am worried about that. I want her there but I'm having a hard time watching her possibly putting herself in deeper water. I do want to say that she has asked me for money help multiple times at this point and that we are heading into the extremes of eviction/car repossession/etc. It isn't a situation I take lightly and if it was I wouldn't post on here. I am a firm believer in helping others but I have a family of my own and this wedding and taking on hundreds of dollars extra seems undoable for me currently. I am having a baby prior to the wedding and the wedding expense itself. I feel as though if she knew at that time what was happening (that she was in a precarious situation financially) she should have said no and just been honest. Now later she has come to me multiple times with the repo, bills, help, etc. and it's just been more than once at this point and I'm stressing out about it on top of everything else.

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I guess I just wrote this out too fast and should have included our wedding is somewhat of a destination wedding. Which all bridesmaids were made aware of waaaaay before acceptance or proposal. I've always wanted to get married at a resort and the bridal party was made aware that it would be more expensive to stay. So my girls will not just have the expense of a dress (which wouldn't be too bad) but transportation and lodging which is where it gets a little more pricey and I am worried about that. I want her there but I'm having a hard time watching her possibly putting herself in deeper water. I do want to say that she has asked me for money help multiple times at this point and that we are heading into the extremes of eviction/car repossession/etc. It isn't a situation I take lightly and if it was I wouldn't post on here. I am a firm believer in helping others but I have a family of my own and this wedding and taking on hundreds of dollars extra seems undoable for me currently. I am having a baby prior to the wedding and the wedding expense itself. I feel as though if she knew at that time what was happening (that she was in a precarious situation financially) she should have said no and just been honest. Now later she has come to me multiple times with the repo, bills, help, etc. and it's just been more than once at this point and I'm stressing out about it on top of everything else.

View Quoted Comment You still knew her situation when you initially asked her - like you said, it’s not new. You also already asked her if she wanted out and she said no. Don’t lend your friends money in the future. Let her handle what she said she would or you’re going to ruin the friendship, though it seems that maybe you’re over it anyway. If you’re that resentful over her personal finances maybe you shouldn’t have her.

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This was very important missing information since it goes beyond the dress. If she can't afford to go, then that's different. While upsetting, it does happen. If you cannot afford her accommodations, then you need to have the discussion with her that you cannot afford to help her beyond maybe the dress. I still wouldn't officially drop her as a bridesmaid, she will need to tell you that she cant swing it.

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I did not know her situation when I asked her. I have had a long engagement I asked back in May and this was made known and closer to end of summer and only really got bad enough were I asked her if it was too much given what she was telling me in fall. I am not resentful over her finances I just can't afford to cover hundreds of dollars extra in the budget.

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Yes, I agree with this. Let her come to the realization herself that she can't afford it. Buying her dress and paying for her accommodation would be reasonable (since she wouldn't have those expenses if you weren't getting married), but I definitely wouldn't loan/give her money for her regular life expenses (because that can ruin a friendship anyway and it sounds like her issues are deep and wide and can't be fixed easily).

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Yeah, I think when I initially wrote it I honestly just spewed it onto the forum because I just have been bottling up my worry besides a shorter talk with her about it. I just don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or pressed on because of this situation but I feel uncomfortable and pressed on. So it's just been rough and I wanted to just be able to talk to people who understand the stress and somewhat of a juggling act of everyone's expectations and emotions as well. And I've been engaged for a longer time prior to the wedding so it's just been a lot unfolding throughout the past seven months of planning.

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You guys are right, and that was my initial plan was to just give timelines and everything super far in advance to make it as easy for everyone financially as possible then if she had any issues she could just bring it up to me (hopefully). She just reached out to me again today so I guess it just brought up that anxiety. I think you're right and I just need to let her know everything going on wedding wise and detach my thought process regarding the wedding from her financial state. *deep breaths*

This is why I will never understand the "tradition" of BM's buying their own stuff for your wedding. Brides/Grooms are honoring their friends by asking them to stand up - the BMs/GMs should not have to pay for that honor. My advice is pay for her things, then your wedding won't be a burden.

this is also why destination weddings can be so unpopular. They are often cheaper for the couple because they just shift the expense onto their guests. If you want her to be there, pay for her things. If you can't afford to do that then i don't think you have any room to judge her for what she can/cant afford. Let her decide what she's comfortable with.

Be honest with her about how you feel. Have a real discussion with her and go from there . Allow her to make a decision but don’t kick her out of the wedding , that’s like opening a can of worms and you could lose a Really good friend behind it all. If she declines on her own, that would be a way better situation,