I just finished reading a post similar to what mine is going to be, yet it is a bit different. Please be patient...
I was married in the past to an abusive husband. With 4 children and in the middle of nursing school, I somehow managed to find a place big enough for us all and literally ran away from our home while he was at work. Looking back I don't even recall where I got the strength to make it through all of this. The fear of loosing my children was my greates source, I am sure of it! I had no family of my own in the States but luckily a few great friends!
In 2015, I met my current husband. There was not one red flag, not a concern at all. I laid out my expectations of a partner during our first date as we were discussing our past relationships. His spouse cheated on him with his friend, so he, too, knew how hurtful relationships can be.
I met his family and am totally crazy about his parents. His siblings, well, one sister-in-law hated me from the get go because she was friends with his Ex, the other sister-in-law first loved and welcomed me, then her and the entire family deleted me not just from FB, but from their lives. No explanation, no chance to talk it out. I was dumbfounded and hurt but promised myself that I will survive without them. I managed the past 14 years without family so I was ready. I fell in love with my husband, not his family, and encouraged him to not stop his usual interaction with them. Unfortunately their invites solely to him got him to the point where he decided to no longer socialize with them anymore.
His daughter is a gem, she and I are so close and have no problems at all. His son and I were very close, but the problem started when his girlfriend appeared. I say it like that because he was madly in love with someone else up to that point. After we moved into my house as a unit, his son wanted to have her stay for one week. Her and I never spend a moment together talking, always in a crowd. At his point I did mention to him that there was something about her that bothered me but I was willing to learn about her. I found out that they were friends from way back, but I did ask him to sit down and tell me more about her. The red flags I saw with her were numerous, and I wanted to make sure I was not judging due to unfamiliarity. Him and I spoke for the longest. He understood why I would feel that way and said maybe meeting for dinner or small things like that would be better than having her stay the entire week. I would have been the one left with her since he goes to school and worked. He asked me to have a talk with her as well and we set a date. I asked to meet in public because I didn't want any of this to be heard in the house by my autistic son. We decided on 10 am at Panera, but she didn't show. I couldn't make the second suggested date (I do work, too), but she then insisted that she really wanted to meet in the house, which I did not want at all.
That was pretty much the end of whatever peace we had. The young ones brought the family in, I got everyone's opionion related by a 3rd party, and all his son kept texting me was "she was abused", me acting like a monster reminded her of her abusive relationship, she was crying because of me, and so forth. That was one of my red flags to be honest. He insisted she was in a 5 year abusive relationship (age 13-18), she tells me in her letter that she never told him about her abuse so she is not playing the abused card. I also found out that I was to go through her mother if I wanted to talk to her. I have no information regarding her mother nor do I think it's appropriate to involve a parent at the age of 19. Also, I absolutely will not call a stranger!
How my relationship with my husband survived all this is hard to see. We got married without anybody there (nobody to invite I guess) and are currently stationed in Europe. Our truely loving, caring relationshipe starting seeing loud arguments and it always ended up with the son and girlfriend. I should have this, I should have that, and whatever else I should have. Her and I exchanged one letter each. I was very honest and feel I would have said the same things in person. She, in turn, made me into a horrible, lying, drama creating, dumb person that knows nothing about abuse or love; she ridiculed me for taking care of her boyfriend; blamed his father and me that he almost considered suicide because of our dating and that she thankfully just in time rekindled with him and saved his life; oh, and apparently there was an agreement that she can come and go whenever (one that nobody informed me about) and I should have just let her into my house. She will not reconcile according to her letter, and I am not too troubled by that.
However, they are now planning their wedding in July. My husband received a message from his son saying they did not want me there but just him. He immediately told his son he was not going to come alone and that this entire nonsense between his Fiance and me turned into a mountain. He told me way later what happened and that he would not go.
I agree, it has become a huge mountain of problems that should have been addressed while we were in the states. Face to face, not via 3rd party or after approval of her Mom.
I asked my husband to consider over and over. I do not want him to regret anything or, heaven forbid, blame me for his choice. But I am pretty sure that right now he will not change his mind. His family who does not want me around will be there, his Ex with her boyfriend will be there, and he does not like the idea of his future daughter-in-law to think she had nothing to do with this drama that now pulled the family apart.
I am at a loss and really don't know who to even talk to anymore. We have started counseling because these constant fights about his family are getting more and more. My family is not in the picture at all, so I can't lean on them.
