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October 2019

i was removed from the wedding party

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Hannah, on September 17, 2019 at 3:58 PM

My best friend got engaged about a year or so ago. She has plans to get married in one month and of course, I was asked to be a bridesmaid about 7 months ago. Not long after, I too got engaged. My fiancé really wanted to have our wedding this upcoming fall but due to life stresses (we just bought a house, finances, etc) and the fact that one of my best friends is getting married this fall, we decided to put it off until next year. She moved two states away from me (at least a days drive) about two years ago. Since then, we stay in touch but obviously have a harder time keeping up constantly and seeing each other. She decided to have her bachelorette party also in another state (about 9 hours away) even though all of the bridesmaids live locally, where the wedding will be held. They are holding a 4 day bachelorette party and with flights, lodging, events planned, food and alcohol, I’d be spending at least $900 which is something unfortunately I can’t afford. On top of that, I have no time off leftover. Right before she told me about her bachelorette party, my fiancé surprised me with a 6 day trip to the UK. I’ve never been out of the states so I was obviously super excited. It was a type of engagement gift from him since we can’t get married this year. All of the bridesmaids are all wrapping up buying their dresses, myself included when I received a text from my friend that she didn’t think it would be best if I was a bridesmaid any longer. She said she was stressed that I still hadn’t ordered my dress and knew I had a lot going on right now so I’m exchange of both of our stresses, asked me to come as a guest instead. A couple of days later I got a group text to the bridal party that she had a fill in bridesmaid and a picture of her dress. I obviously was confused and reaches out to her. She said she was really hurt that I couldn’t make it to her bachelorette party and that I seemed too busy with my own life now. I feel like she is being a little harsh and extreme. Am I wrong? We live two states away and I figured she’d be understanding of my reasoning behind not being able to make it, and that it’s asking a lot out of someone to take 4 days off and to spend that much money for a bachelorette party. I am already taking 4 days off for the wedding and can’t afford to go and can’t ask for more time off. She didn’t even tell me how she was feeling or try to communicate things with me, just completely cut me out, just like that. What would you do in my situation? Should I be the bigger person and still go to the wedding? Or lose a life long friend if I don’t go?

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30 Comments

Savvy December 2022
Angel · on September 18, 2019 at 12:40 AM
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I don’t think either of you were fully wrong. There is some blame for both. Go to the wedding. She is really busy and it was probably nerve wracking BUT she should have communicated. When accepting to be a bridesmaid you are taking full financial responsibility and if it was too much pulling out is upsetting but the right thing to do. It does seem you were very busy as well. Neither or you can control every factor in life otherwise stress wouldn’t exist. Go to the wedding especially if you want a relationship afterwards. She probably feels awful and wasn’t an easy thing to do although she should have just said so
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Expert May 2021
Jaime · on September 18, 2019 at 8:52 AM
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She honestly sounds pretty entitled to me. Cutting you from the wedding party because you could not make a lavish 4 day bachelorette party? Unbelievable. Personally this would be friendship ending for me.
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Savvy November 2019
Purpledoggy · on September 18, 2019 at 9:20 AM
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I was “fired” as a maid of honor for my supposed best friends wedding years ago. She never once mentioned to me that she was upset about anything just out of the blue came to my house and said she no longer wanted me in her wedding because I missed one day of going dress shopping for her wedding dress that was over a year away. My husband was in the hospital waiting for a lung transplant at the time which I told her and she said she understood. Obviously she didn’t because she quickly fired me after. I was about to put a non refundable deposit down on a hall for her bridal shower so thankfully she told me beforehand. I did not attend her wedding because our relationship drastically changed after that. We no longer speak to one another which is fine with me. It was like once she became engaged she turned into a completely different person and not for the better.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on September 18, 2019 at 11:09 AM
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Frankly, with everything you described, I wouldn't attend the 4 day Bachelorette anyway, even if I was local. You told her you couldn't attend do to time and finances when the idea is initially mentioned. She planned it anyway. She has no business being mad at you because she chose to ignore what you told her.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on September 18, 2019 at 11:15 AM
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"When accepting to be a bridesmaid you are taking full financial responsibility and if it was too much pulling out is upsetting but the right thing to do. It does seem you were very busy as well."

Disagree. I don't consider a 4 day $900 Bachelorette part of the full financial responsibility of being in a wedding. The dress, shoes, hair, and nails are the full financial responsibility. Expecting BMs to waste 4 days and almost $1000 on something that's not even necessary is unreseasonable.
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October 2019
Hannah · on September 18, 2019 at 12:32 PM
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Yeah, forgot to mention. She cut me out 29 days before her wedding.
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Devoted October 2018
Sarah · on September 18, 2019 at 12:41 PM
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This is just not okay. I would skip the wedding and not continue the friendship. You're only financial responsibility for the wedding would have been buying the dress.
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Jill · on September 18, 2019 at 12:46 PM
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This would be a friendship ending move for me. If a bride kicked me out because I couldn't shell out $900 for a 4 day party, I would be done.
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Super October 2021
Suzie · on September 18, 2019 at 7:09 PM
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Don’t go. You’re not the one ending a life long friendship, she is. This is just so ridiculous. As a BM, you are not required to attend anything but the wedding. She’s being completely selfish and unreasonable. You don’t owe her any explanation on your choices, trips, or financial situation. And $900 for a 4 day trip?! That’s insane! Cut the loss and move on. You have more important things coming up.
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Just Said Yes September 2024
Stephanie · on April 27, 2022 at 12:25 AM
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Girl, I get it. She should pay you back. My best friend did this to me 3 weeks before her wedding because one of her grooms men got arrested, like that my fault or something… so I spent $360 on a bridesmaids dress I probably won’t get to ever wear, she has until one week after her wedding to pay me or friendship over… like no offense… numbers off or whatever you don’t do that to someone you call your friend. You have every right to be upset and hurt.
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