I'm a horrible, selfish bridesmaid. Feel free to hurl sticks and insults

Yes, let her know you can't go. Or the MOH. Whoever you have to let know, let them know. Just say you can't afford it because of paying for your own wedding, but if things were different you would be there in a heart beat. They won't ask great big questions, and if they do, just insist you can't afford it without sacrificing your own wedding. They'll get over it.

Blow it off! There is nothing in the bridesmaid "Rules" saying you have to attend everything. For example, my best friend (and bridesmaid) lives in Tampa and we are in DC. I told her not to feel compelled to come to every event. I am getting married in March 2013 and my shower and bachloerette will be in February. I do not expect her to come to both and then the wedding. I am not insane! So I told her, if I had to pick one thing (besides the wedding) for you to come to it would be the bridal shower. I would have NO QUAMS if she couldnt come to either...maybe its just me but I don't want to screw my ladies out of too much money! She came to my engagement party in April this year and if she doesnt come to anything else except the wedding its totally fine!

Sounds like you are not in a position to go to expensive locations for long periods of time and that is fine! You are absolutely NOT (I repeat NOT) a horrible bridesmaid!

Not having the funds to make it to an expensive bachelorette party does NOT make you a bad bridesmaid. Like TheLuckiest said, explain that you don't have the funds to be able to make it to a weekend long event. You've sent gifts for showers, and sounds like you've probably done what else you can. Don't go into debt for ANY party, and if she's a good friend, she should understand that your situation doesn't allow for you to be there even if you wanted to be.

Also, this type of thing is what I don't like about the school of thought that BM's are supposed to do so much. It makes girls that are doing the best they can in their situation feel terrible for not living up to standards set by the wedding industrial complex.

I think that it is very realistic to let her know that you cant afford it. She her self should understand most of all. She know how much money and time go into planning a wedding.

They're doing things against your morals you shouldn't have to go. Just tell them you can't afford it right now.

I wouldn't do it if it's too expensive period. Though will say I am HORRIBLE with thank you notes. Anything that involves a stamp I am bad at. lol

Yeah, call her MOH and say you can't go. She did!!

Nothing horrible here! Don't go to the bachelorette weekend. I wasn't able to go to my friend's bachelorette party in April (I was a BM) but I did help her MOH with planning. I also sent a pair of underwear for the "guess who bought you these" game lol. She was ok -- and her bachelorette was just one night and a LOT cheaper than the one you're talking about. Plus it's your BDAY!!! Enjoy yourself...don't worry about her, she will understand.

She has said we don't have to go, but I feel obligated since I'm the only one that's local to her wedding and Disneyland. All the other ladies are coming in from either the east coast, AZ or Northern CA. Since I don't have the extra expense I feel like I have to go.

Thanks for the support, I don't want her thinking that because she doesn't want to come out for mine, I'm going to be petty and not go to her bachelorette. Uncomfortable conversation coming up I think.

Yeah, you need to back out of the bachelorette weekend. As a bride, I don't expect all my bridesmaids to do bachelorette stuff. It's a fun thing: not a requirement!

I agree with the others, if you can't afford it just tell her. I certainly don't expect my bridesmaids to come to everything (2 showers (in two different cities) and bachelorette).

STICKS!! INSULTS!!!

J/k Seriously like they said above, just let her know it isn't feasible for you to make it.

Just be honest and tell her you can't afford it. There is nothing wrong with that. If you can meet them out for dinner one night, that would be great, if not, don't worry about it. It's not a required event and it sounds like they will get so drunk they won't even remember who showed and who didn't! :-)

Don't feel obligated, hon. First, the financial stress of it all won't do you any good and 2nd, she's "treated you as she wants to be treated" by the way it seems. Just let her know there are extenuating circumstances and you just can't make it.

ROLLING ON THW FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF *gets up and wipes eyes*

Personally your friend is the insulting one...I'm in shock she would call you and tell your MOH she can't make your special occasions when obviously you're trying to make hers! I laugh at the foolishness of some people and refuse to hold any pity for them!

Sweetie, if you need the extra money, then don't go...politely call her or her MOH and tell her your job situation and say hey can't make it unless some extra money comes in...and as faras the tthank you note some people will not send you a note...so if its been months since this unetiquette event count it as a lesson learned and keep her ungrareful behind in mind...

I think you have some valid reasons for not going. That's all. No sticks. No insults.

I agree with the rest of the ladies. Honesty is the best policy, especially when explaining to her the issue of the moral complications accompanied with her and her girls getting blacked-out drunk and entertaining strippers. As a Christian, there is no way I would attend anything with either component (as they are against my personal morals), and I would make zero apologies for saying so, bff or not.

I think you've been super supportive for her already. Missing out on one event won't kill the friendship.... Well... it SHOULDN'T! You're not in the wrong here girlie. Bridesmaids aren't obligated to participate in things they can't afford. You should never go into debt for SOMEONE ELSE'S wedding details. We'll be here waiting for you when you break the news to her. We're here for you!

She's not coming to your shower or bachelorette, so she's hardly in a position to complain about you not coming to her bachelorette. Just say you can't afford it, leave out the part about the morals, and leave it at that.

I don't think that any of what you just described makes you a horrible or selfish bridesmaid. It makes you a human being. Just because you are in the BP, and close to the location of this party does not obligate you in any way to go to it. Let your friend know that you can't afford the extra cost because of the reasons you listed above. You don't even have to mention the other concerns (strippers, drunkenness) if you don't want to. If you don't want to tell your friend, tell her MOH just like she did with you