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Dedicated November 2013

I'm a horrible, selfish bridesmaid. Feel free to hurl sticks and insults

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Natasha, on May 20, 2013 at 5:14 PM

My good friend and I are both getting married this year and have asked each other to be in each others' weddings. She lives on the east coast, but is from California and having her wedding here. She's had an engagement party, two bridal showers and will have a bachelorette weekend. Here's where I'm struggling with being a good bridesmaid. She is having a three day bachelorette weekend to Disneyland resort and staying at the most expensive hotel. They were somehow able to get a good rate and we will be paying around $100 a night per person, our tickets will be comped as well. But,

-It's three days at an expensive hotel

-It's my birthday weekend and I can't spend it with my FH or family

-She wants strippers (I am super opposed to this as it's against my own morals)

-They are going to get black out drunk (I am also not comfortable with this. I will have a couple drinks, but they get out of control)

-She's in my wedding but has expressed to my MOH that she doesn't want to come out for my shower or bachelorette. I know she doesn't have to and I didn't expect her to, but I'm a little hurt that she has already said (apparently rudely too) she won't even make an effort. My MOH told my FH instead of me because she doesn't want to stress me out, bless her heart.

-I've shipped two gifts (one for engagement party and one for bridal shower) and haven't received a thank you note. It's just a pet peeve of mine, even if you're busy, a couple minutes to thank someone who spent money on you is important.

-I'm working in a temporary position and it will end a couple weeks before the bachelorette weekend. There's no guarantee I'll be employed again before it and have extra money.

-We are paying for our own wedding and trying to keep it easy for our own bridal party by not having them buy expensive outfits or attend a ton of events. We wish the same consideration would be extended.

I know I'm a horrible bridesmaid/ friend, but is there any way to bow out of part of the bachelorette weekend and perhaps just go to one day? We are paying for our own wedding and having to spend an extra several hundred dollars in one weekend just kills me. (Plus the other hundreds for the gifts and wedding day stuff)

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28 Comments

Super May 2013
Aimee · on May 20, 2013 at 11:17 PM
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It's definitely okay for you not to go or only attend one day, but you need to inform whoever is planning/paying for the bachelorette weekend as soon as possible, especially if you don't plan on chipping in for anything. My MOH was stuck paying for a lot more than her share when one of my bridesmaids decided at the last minute that she wasn't going to stay at the hotel or chip in for anything that they had already agreed upon.
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Expert November 2013
Brandi · on May 20, 2013 at 11:22 PM
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You aren't a horrible or selfish bridesmaid. Do not do anything that goes against your morals. Do not do anything that is going to put you in a bind financially. Do not feel guilty or bad because you are spending smart in saving for your wedding.
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Master June 2014
DlovesD · on May 20, 2013 at 11:36 PM
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No way, not selfish. Even if you could afford it, if it is against your morals you don't have to go along with it for the sake of being a "good bridesmaid." Just bow out gracefully. If she is a true friend she will understand.
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Dedicated April 2016
SB · on May 21, 2013 at 12:22 AM
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I say skip out theres nothing wrong with not doing something you don't feel comfortable with i personally wouldn't go i disagree with strippers and i don't drink it wont hurt your friendship just be sure to put it nicely to her and tell her i just cant come plus its your bday weekend go sped it with your FH nothing wrong with saying no at all in my book not a thing
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Master August 2013
Michelle · on May 21, 2013 at 12:38 AM
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I don't think you are a bad bridesmaid at all. I doubt my bridal party will get me a wedding gift let alone an engagement gift or shower gift. They won't be attending the shower (with the exception of maybe my sister) and probably only 1/3 will be able to make the bachelorette party. I think you have been very supportive - just let her know that you really can't afford it, but hope she has a blast!
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Super October 2015
Shojo*Bride · on May 21, 2013 at 12:38 AM
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What about tomatoes can I throw those? LOL JK.
But in all seriousness, just be honest with her, tell her that there are a few activities she has planned that compromise what you believe and you wouldn't feel comfortable there.

Also, if you feel its needed you may also put in about the money aspect, but I think you should go the first way first.

Good luck Natasha, and tell us how it goes!
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Dedicated November 2013
Natasha · on May 21, 2013 at 4:56 AM
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Thank you ladies so much!!! I honestly feel a lot better about talking to her about it. I'll keep you posted, but you have put to words what I couldn't say in some instances. You are so right about not going into debt for someone else's wedding, we scrimped and saved for our own, why would I put myself in that situation?? Thank you all!
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