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Danielle
Beginner October 2023

I’m completely defeated..

Danielle, on March 30, 2023 at 11:28 AM Posted in Planning 0 25

I’m having a dilemma and I don’t know what to do except to just cry..

As everyone knows, usually the groom lets the bride and her mom, girls and mother in law plan while the groom doesn’t care and says “Yeah, that sounds great babe.” Well that’s not the case here. It’s the exact opposite and it’s a complete nightmare. Yes, it’s nice he shows he cares about the way the venue looks but I believe he cares too much.
And before anyone thinks: god she sounds like a bridezilla - I feel like I have valid reasons. My wedding theme is kind of a mixing pot between pagan, halloween, mystical & fall. (Getting married October 27th of this year)So with the mixing pot of themes we have, the decoration ideas are endless. But also limited. I would like sequined tablecloths throughout on different tables so it can glimmer in the dimly lit lights we want - no go. He hates it. Thinks it’s tacky and argued with me saying he will be upset if there’s any sequined tablecloths. Next, I would like some rose petals (in our wedding colors; black, burgundy, rust orange & plum purple) to go with the centerpieces, but not too much to stray from the centerpieces with the lanterns, and also sprinkled lightly on some tables like the desert table, guest book/guest photo book table, gift table, etc - absolutely not. He thinks that’s the most terrible idea and he doesn’t want it looking like valentines. He also thinks it looks tacky and people who use rose petals don’t know how to decorate so they throw rose petal to make it look nice. I want like 3-4 skulls that have the top cut open so I can place flowers and vines in and around it with some moss along with some rocks and moss on the rocks to give it the mystical forest kind of feel (he wants the forbidden forest from harry potter feel) to the centerpieces or most likely at the gift tables, dessert table, etc because it might look tacky with skulls in the centerpieces. I told him I’d bring out the details and make it look realistic by painting the skull carefully and defining it, where it doesn’t look so tacky because it’s a cheap plastic skull- h a t e s the idea even more than the other two. And to top it all off, the lanterns. He did not like ANY that I had given/shown him ideas for. The ones I would like to choose between - nope. he fought with me for hours on them over the little fake candles he wants because he won’t be able to see the fake candle and what’s the point if you can’t see through it, etc etc. Told me that if we don’t choose the one he wants, we don’t get lanterns. He even fought with me for having a bridal registry for my bridal shower and the wedding in general itself. I’ve also had to change a lot of things I liked that he did not and that we HAVE to always come to a compromise if he doesn’t like it.
I don’t know what to do. Everything is going so smoothly; honeymoon is booked, plane tickets are bought, my mother is paying for all the decorations and helping with the bridal shower, my mother in law is paying for the bar, etc etc. So why is it so hard to plan when he literally writes off everything that I say? What I also don’t understand is, every time he gives an idea I incorporate it and/or come up with a compromise so he can be happy and have what he wants at the wedding - so why can’t I? I don’t get it. I feel like this is not fair. I could be overreacting but I honestly feel like I have had no say in the wedding at all - not even with the date, season and colors.
I don’t know what to do or say to make my fiancé realize this is tearing me apart. I’m not even excited for my own wedding and honestly it’s super stressful. I could use all the advice I can get. And please, don’t be afraid to tell me if I am overreacting or overthinking things. I’m really really stuck and I don’t know what to do or who to talk too about this..

25 Comments

Latest activity by Mama, on April 4, 2023 at 5:18 PM
  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Aww, Danielle, I'm sorry you feel defeated. I don't know of any groom who didn't participate in wedding planning, so I won't agree with you that weddings are only women's realm. It would be easier to dictate bride's prerogative, but that's not how marriage works.

    Some couples negotiate by splitting up vendors based on personal priorities. Maybe only 1 person heads decor. If this is not negotiable, then you both should revisit it presenting mockups (ideas, pics). One doesn't get veto over the other without bringing ideas to the table. It does sound like you have 2 different styles, yours is more literal and his more subtle. Note that whatever decor you bring in, you must set up, and then bust down. For this reason, maybe larger statement pieces are easier over small. Best wishes to you. Btw, my groom had his hand in everything and I empathize.

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  • Danielle
    Beginner October 2023
    Danielle ·
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    We have a crew to set up everything. I’ve tried to sit down with him about the theme & everything and I always get a “We will worry about it when it gets closer, we have time.” or “I don’t want to plan right now” I’ve also tried to get him to choose what to be in control of and he said “we aren’t doing that, we control things together. I don’t want you controlling one part because if I don’t like it I won’t be very happy at the wedding.”
    How can I know what you don’t like if you have no references or ideas?

    Make it make sense.. I’ve tried everything.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    It sounds like he does not understand how much time and effort goes into wedding planning, and he keeps kicking the can down the road, so to speak. Set deadlines. Tell him you have to come to a mutually agreed upon decision about decor by X date. No excuses, no extensions. Maybe set up a date night at home where you can open a bottle of wine, have some delicious food, and work on wedding planning together. If things are still contentious, maybe you can both list your priorities in order of importance. Then, when there is a disagreement about something, you can see how high on the list that particular item is for each of you, and whoever’s list it is higher on gets the final word. It sounds like you are being quite accommodating to him, but he is not reciprocating. Your groom needs to understand that he is not the center of the universe, nor the center of your relationship. You are equals. Marriage is all about compromising and wanting to make each other happy. Now is the time for you guys to practice that. If you can’t work as a team now, how are you going to do it once you’re married?
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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
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    I’m sorry you’re going through this. Honestly it sounds terrible. My husband is very laid back so he wasn’t super involved in the decor etc. He just doesn’t have an eye for that kind of thing but trusted me lol and knew it meant more to me than him tbh. But anytime I asked his opinion or wanted to shop together he was on it. And he was involved with picking our vendors. I just read your post to him and we both said we’d call off the wedding if the other behaved in such a manner because neither of us agree with “it’s my way or nothing” which sounds like what your fiancé is doing. (Not saying you have to call off your wedding, I just couldn’t deal with it). Because if you can’t compromise now then you won’t in marriage. You’ll fight over your house, where you live, how you raise your kids if you have them. Marriage is about compromise and this will just be a recurring theme in your life. I think you need to really sit down with him and have a serious talk about your feelings and maybe get a third party involved if needed. And put your foot down about some things. If he wants it 100% his way he can marry himself
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    This last sentence 💯👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
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  • Danielle
    Beginner October 2023
    Danielle ·
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    This is very very helpful. I’m going to be keeping this in mind. I think a serious talk is needed because he even fought with me over the color of the plates I wanted for the registry. I have no say in anything that’s put in our apartment - his collectibles and valuables are all crammed and scattered everywhere and i hate it. there’s no me through the apartment aside from my stuff which is on two desks of mine and that’s it. So yes, a talk is needed.
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  • Danielle
    Beginner October 2023
    Danielle ·
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    I’m going to be having a talk with him. A serious one. Thank you for the advice. I’m so nervous. What if I made a bad call? I don’t know. I love him so so much but this hurts so so much..
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Oh noooooo. This is much bigger than an opinionated groomzilla then! I’ve dated this type of guy in the past. If you don’t stand your ground now, they will continue to take and take, until you have completely lost yourself and your voice in the relationship. This is NOT a healthy relationship you are in. I would highly suggest putting the wedding on hold and going to couples counseling. And if he refuses, I would walk.
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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
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    I agree with cece that this is not a healthy relationship at all. Your fiancé is going to have a tough life if he thinks everyone is going to cater to his wants and do his way 100% of the time because that’s just not reality. Marriage and relationships are compromise. It’s give and take. For instance when my husband and I moved into our apartment we have two different styles. I compromised and went a little more minimalist than is my personal taste but in a way that still made me happy and now we’re moving again and I’m going to be able to take more of the reigns on decor while still making it a space he enjoys. One day we’ll buy a house and we’ll make sure it’s a space we both enjoy which will mean compromise from both of us. You don’t want to live a life where you are miserable all the time. You want a life and relationship where you’re happy to be together and show each other love in the ways that are important to the other. I would suggest counseling and put your foot down about it
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  • K
    Super September 2023
    Kimberly ·
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    I agree with taking this to counseling. It sounds like he doesn’t listen or value your input at all, and it also seems like with the apartment decor and stuff you’ve maybe let him get away with calling the shots. Not just a wedding, but marriage is a compromise. Both of you need to be valued in the relationship, and the wedding is a celebration of both of you coming together. A counselor will be able to help you both work on effective communication, and if he’s not willing to take that step with you, that tells you a lot about how much he values supporting this partnership going forward.
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  • Danielle
    Beginner October 2023
    Danielle ·
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    I finally put my foot down and just told him: I’m going to let you know now that the only way this wedding is going to get planned is if you give me references and inspo photos of what you want since you’re unhappy with what I like. I’m going to make a list and you have a certain amount of time to give me examples. If you do not give me any, I am going to send all decorations to be ordered to my mother because we do not have time to waste. And once I see the amount of effort you put into inspo and references and see the list, then we’ll talk and plan but if you cannot do that for me, that shows me how much you care about the wedding and get to have no say in the decorations. I’m putting my foot down. Because I will not walk down that aisle and marry you if you stripped my wedding away from me. This is the one thing in my life that I care about more than you and I will be damned if you make me miserable that night.”
    He tried to argue and I cut him off and said End of discussion and he said: Okay..”

    I’m putting my foot down from now on!! And if he can’t handle that, he can marry himself. I’m over it.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I'll tell you what my sister told me: get a household item like a rug and bring it in the house. See what he does. If he blows up and goes on and on berating you, you know he will never build a home with you. Get a premarital counselor ASAP to find the skills to communicate and work together. If either of you treat this wedding like it's more important than your marriage or each other's feelings, you are just wasting your money. Address your needs now because resentment destroys.

    Don't get married until you are equal, Dear. Best wishes.

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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
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    Good for you! I just read this to my husband and he said “HELL yeah. Tell him girl.” You gotta make yourself important too. You guys need to find a way to better communicate so you don’t live a life the way he wants only
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  • Danielle
    Beginner October 2023
    Danielle ·
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    Honestly that’s a great idea. I’m going to have to do that! Cause it looks like we have a lot of talking to do and boundaries to make & conversation about his control issues. Depending on how that goes, I will mention couples counseling! Thank you so much for the advice! I appreciate you. ❤️
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  • Danielle
    Beginner October 2023
    Danielle ·
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    Ahhh, thank you to you and your husband! I appreciate the support so so much! You guys have helped me and I appreciate you guys. You guys and my MOH said it was time to put an end to it. You guys hyped me and gave me the confidence. In my head I made sure to say YEAH after everything I said so I didn’t back down hahahah. It felt good. He even tried to cut me off and I said: AHHHBAHHDDHFHFJDJFAHPSHHHPP SHP. I don’t care I’m telling you not asking.” along with some other vile things but HEY it worked and I thank you guys for giving me the support and hype I need. Now I feel a lot better and can plan happily in my own corner. 🤗💕
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  • Michael
    Just Said Yes June 2023
    Michael ·
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    Is your wedding gift to him a collar.. poor boy, sounds like he can't have an opinion on his big day also. If he cares you should listen. Come up with a plan together. It's not just your big day...
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  • C
    Just Said Yes May 2024
    Casey ·
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    You guys should be equally important. Almost nothing in the wedding should be his way or your way but what you both like. Throughout your marriage you are going to need those compromising and problem solving skills. Either one of you edging each other out for what you want isn’t going to bode well long term.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    I think it’s a big mistake that you are focusing on the wedding and that your credibility is undermined when you say you care about the wedding more than your FI. If that’s true, you have no business marrying him.


    If it was just about the wedding I’d have argued that since you are the one whose tastes run more to the untraditional, you would both have to agree to some of those things or they don’t happen. Or find a way to compromise. Presumably you both went into this relationship knowing your tastes are not compatible.
    But this goes well beyond the wedding decor. How long have you been together? Did you move into his home? Your real issues are with his controlling nature in general Putting your foot down about the wedding won’t fix the bigger problem.
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  • Mrs.D
    Master July 2016
    Mrs.D ·
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    This. Today you’re upset about wedding planning and apartment decor. But the root issue is that you don’t have communication and compromise skills. You’ll need to see a counselor together for this to work.
    Because what happens when you are purchasing a home or building a home from scratch together?
    What happens when you have kids and can’t agree on names, childcare, extracurricular activities, etc?
    You’re setting yourself up for failure and misery unless you address the root issue.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes April 2023
    Aneitra ·
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    Don’t be discouraged. All things are possible to those who believe! Try actually setting up the tables so he can physically see your idea and you can see his. Then together you can both decide which elements you want to keep and which elements you want to let go. Also, maybe the tables for your guests can be his design style and the head table can be your design style or vice versa. I hope this helps. Be encouraged.
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