Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

I'm failing as moh

Anne, on September 21, 2021 at 4:37 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 6

Saved

Flag
Hide content

My sister's wedding is in June 2022 and I've been chronically ill for years as well as the financial issues that come with that but she asked me to be her MOH knowing this and I accepted, mentioning briefly about having limitations physically and financially and the sentiment was that its not a traditional "strict" MOH role with mandated duties and that seemed doable. I fully planned however to still do everything I could as MOH and have really looked forward to it, also giving a heartfelt speech and being by my sisters side on her special day. Recently my condition has worsened - over the past few months I've slowly regressed due to different things and right now without my husband's help I wouldn't be able to get through the day, he is experiencing caregiver burnout and we are hanging on but I've been pretty incapacitated and we don't have extra support. I got confirmation of some new conditions recently that are harder to treat, and I'm having a hard time just existing right now and trying to hold it together for my husband and son. I'm so worried about disappointing and letting my sister down because right after my newest diagnosis she's begun asking me to reach out to the bridesmaids and plan the bachelorette (2 of them offered to help and she gave me their numbers, this was 2 weeks ago and I had just received bad health news and have been exacerbated by the stress, having episodes multiple times a day which I shared in a text to her letting her know I don't want to leave her hanging but need to stabilize before reaching out to anyone. She did not respond and I haven't heard from her since. I've had to do a lot of thinking recently and planning regarding my own care and the strain on our family right now and I'm realizing that I can likely muster the energy with my husbands help to be there on her wedding day - stand at the altar, give a speech, help her stay calm and enjoy her wedding with her but I have no idea where I'm going to find the capacity to plan and attend a (2.5 hr away & I can't drive) bachelorette party and bridal shower and be okay for the wedding day also. I don't want to let anyone down or cause the others in the bridal party to have to do things that were my duties, but I cannot find the words to explain that I don't have the capacity to do these things in the state I'm in and her radio silence is concerning because she is usually in touch if I'm not doing well. Ive been consumed with my health problems but this over everything else has been eating at me constantly - I'm not sure what to do or say and I'm so sad about it because I love her and want this day to be perfect for her. I wasn't comfortable going to the bridesmaids first about it because I don't know them yet and at the same time I can't bring myself to talk to the bride. I would do anything for her I just know that this is over my head now with what I'm trying to manage. We can barely manage at home. I really appreciate any advice. I don't want to hurt or tax anyone, they all have their own lives and commitments too and she is someone who deserves a wonderful wedding.

Flag
Hide content

6 Comments

Latest activity by Samantha, on September 22, 2021 at 9:21 AM

VIP January 2019
Maggie · on September 21, 2021 at 6:01 PM
Flag

Hide content
Please give yourself permission to focus on your own health (physical and mental) and your family unit's wellbeing (finances, stress reduction, etc.). Your sister loves you and, presumably, wants what is best for you. And clearly, what is best for you right now is not to have any party planning duties or other stresses related to a wedding that doesn't even take place for 10 more months.
She's allowed to be disappointed, but she shouldn't be holding your illness against you or choosing to let it affect your relationship. There is absolutely nothing she needs or "deserves" in regards to her wedding that should come at the expense of your health.
Tell her what you can and cannot do, and be as clear as you can. No hinting around or over promising based on what you wish or hope you could do. You both deserve to know where things stand and then to be able to just move on, you to focus on yourself, and her to focus on her wedding.
- Reply
Dedicated October 2021
Hannah · on September 21, 2021 at 8:07 PM
Flag

Hide content
Oh wow I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling. Unfortunately, your MOH duties sound like they are adding stress and anxiety to your already stressful situation. I would be completely honest with your sister that you are no longer able to do the preparatory MOH duties, but that you would still like to try to attend the wedding and give a speech. I have never been a fan of people placing these party planning expectations on their bridesmaids, especially if they are in tough spots in their lives. There is no reason that one of the more physically and financially able bridesmaids can take on the responsibility of planning g the party.
- Reply
Expert September 2022
Nichole · on September 21, 2021 at 8:08 PM
Flag

Hide content
Be honest with her, if needed write down what you have to tell her before you talk. She may be upset or disappointed at first but in the end I am sure your health is more important to her than a party or two. Maybe one of the other bridesmaids can plan the parties and want to plan them but are afraid of upsetting you.
- Reply
Super July 2020
Cool · on September 21, 2021 at 8:47 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I second all of this. Take care of yourself and hopefully she respects the healthy boundaries you need.
- Reply
Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on September 22, 2021 at 1:49 AM
Flag

Hide content
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Truthfully there really are no "duties" for MOH position. Anyone can plan the shower and bachelorette. Her wedding isn't until next June. What is it that needs to be done right now?
You're not "failing" anything at all. Please focus on your own health and family.
- Reply

Super May 2022
Samantha · on September 22, 2021 at 9:21 AM
Flag

Hide content
I imagine if she is a good sister, she will still want you to be her MOH, and just reassign some things to the others. MOHs aren't just party planners, they are the people you want beside you on your special day. Don't worry, if you are honest with her, she *should* react kindly and understandingly.
- Reply