I promise that I am NOT a bridezilla, however I am about three and a half months away from my wedding (10-10-2020) and my nerves are shot. I have let a lot of stuff roll off my back. I used to be a wedding planner so I understand the process and how emotions run high and all and I don't want to be "THAT bride." Here is why I am melting down:
1. The closer I get to the wedding, the harder it is that my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle. It's been 14 years since he has been gone so I should be fine with it but the green monster of jealousy shows up when I think about how my sister got to have him walk her down the aisle when they barely tolerated each other and we were besties. When that feeling subsides then I turn completely blue with sadness that he isn't here. He would have LOVED my fiance and I know they would have been fast friends. But this week I feel like it is all just overwhelming me. My fiance and I were in a local thrift shop looking for possible things for our wedding or future home. As we were paying, I happened to look over and a painting caught my eye. The painting is called "The Homecoming." For those of you who have never heard of it, it is a painting of a man from behind being brought into Jesus' loving hug welcoming him home after a life of pain. The only other time I ever saw this painting was on my dad's funeral card. I lost it in the store and excused myself quickly. We are going to have a memorial for him at the wedding, but I haven't been able to bring myself to dealing with it yet. Trying to figure out how to memorialize a man that was larger than life to you is difficult enough without him being there with you on the most important day of your life.
2. My mothers. I am super blessed to have a chill future mother in law that actually likes me and is uber happy that her son is getting married. She has asked questions but hasn't bothered us in our wedding plans as she knows that he and I are not only paying for it, but working on it together in every aspect. We are now trying to find her a dress. She is super excited to be getting dressed up and prettified. She had to have a double mastectomy and has a rare condition that makes her abdomen look 9 months pregnant no matter how much or little she eats so she is self conscious in every way. When we first started talking about dresses, she found some beautiful dresses. I mean gorgeous. Then all of a sudden she now only wants to wear pants and a nice shirt. While our wedding is not black tie, it is formal and I don't understand why she wanted to all of a sudden downgrade her wardrobe (not a money issue I checked). Then she flipped back to wanting fancy. She got all excited over a dress and when she showed it to me I almost fell off the chair. If I didn't know better I would say that I got blasted back to 1972. While the dress was chiffon, that was the only nice thing about the dress. All she needed was a big floppy hat and some platforms and we could go to the disco. Worse yet was that it was fuschia with no embellishments whatsoever. This is a woman who blings up everything she owns right down to her contigo! We are having a rustic fall wedding. Where in the world did fuschia come in to play? Then here comes my mother who has decided to wear a baby pink dress that looks like it is from the 50's with a matching pink fascinator and white gloves making it look like we were going to high tea with the Queen of England. I have aired my complaints nicely but it means nothing. I said something to my sister (MOH) and she said to let my mom have her moment. Wait...what? Her moment? So let's see, my bridesmaids are going to be in burgundy, my fiance has a burgundy tux jacket, and there are my mothers in baby pink and hot pink. At a fall wedding. In October.
3. My venue coordinator isn't answering me. I've now tried to get in touch with him 3 times and I am not getting any responses anymore. The problem is he holds the contract for the caterer (which he told me NOT to deposit because of the COVID nonsense), my limo (which he told me NOT to deposit on because his boss who is the owner of the limo company he also manages sold the limo we were originally booking and that we would get another instead), my linen contract, and the employees who will be our wait staff and bartender. I don't want to seem impatient, but now that everything is opening back up, everyone whose wedding got postponed during the pandemic is now rescheduling. I can't afford to lose any of my vendors because he wouldn't take the deposits.
4, My fiance STILL doesn't have a bridal party. No best man. No groomsman. No one. I bring it up to him and he just shuts down. He gets aggravated that he just wants me as his best man because I am his best friend. I don't know what to do about this either. We are running out of time since we have only a little over 3 months left to go.
5. Everything else is just up in the air. It is like I all of a sudden I can't make a decision to save my life. I can't make a decision on hair, makeup, nails, flowers, bridesmaids dresses, etc. Everything before this we made decisions lickety split no problems. Now I just can't. Everything makes me feel like I am going to ruin the day for him and everyone else.
Help! I just don't know how to shake all this!
