I'm married and i miss my ex-boyfriend.

I agree with the pps who have said you may be over romanticizing your ex. I don't think this is necessarily something you need counseling for. It is totally normal to think about your ex from time to time, and to feel some small attraction to other people, and to fantasize about other people. Its actually healthy. Someone already said that married life can be mundane and you are probably missing a relationship that didn't have the same day to day routines, and was probably more exciting than what married life is. I think you need to sit down and think this through, what is it that you miss about him? Why didn't it work out? Are you building him and/or the relationship up in your mind to something more than it was? Why do you love your H? Why did you marry him? All these people saying they don't find other people attractive or have never missed anyone just because they were in a relationship are lying, so don't let them make you feel like you are doing something wrong. It is human nature, we don't stop being human beings just because we are in relationships.

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I totally agree with this. You need to find closure, in whatever way you can. I disagree with all the people here saying, "you shouldn't feel this way." Sometimes, our feelings are not fully within our control, and love does not simply disappear, even if it changes. I would say that maybe talking to a counselor would help - as it seems to be distressing you to feel this way?

I’m glad counseling seems to work for so many, but they won’t tell you anything you don’t already know. Maybe they’ll give you additional guidance or support, but the heart wants what the heart wants. If he left you for someone else, he’s not the one for you. You have residual feelings because he left you and moved on before you. You may even still blame yourself for how things ended...that you didn’t do more, that you did too much, you acted too crazy, you were too needy...whatever it was. The best thing I can tell you....you are who you are. If you changed anything in the past, you wouldn’t have reacted as you ...you wouldn’t have been you. And you are a beautiful and amazing person. Your current significant other thinks so. And it’s hard to let go because all of the wouldas and shouldas creep up and make you wonder what if. But it’s not what would of been, it’s not what could have been...it is what it is. Now take the rose colored glasses off...remember his flaws, remember times he made you feel bad, remember anything that turned you off....and keep remembering that. And go in 100% to your current relationship....do nice things for your man, come up with new adventures, travel....the more good memories you make the further away your ex will become. I know what it’s like to be left by someone you love and to try to love again. I also know what it’s like to start something new on the ashes of something old. It turns into quick sand. You can’t build a solid foundation with someone on quick sand. Now I’m not saying to divorce or call of your engagement (whatever stage you’re in). I’m saying you need to clean up the ash in your life....however you can. And the best healer is time...the second best is adventure. Keep moving and love your current man as hard as you can.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for being honest. I share your experiences. And also have learnt much more on how you dealt with the conflicting mind. It's a nightmare.

Ignore anyone who is telling you how you “should” feel.

You can heal and move on from this even while being married. I’d seek counseling. Good luck.

Romanticizing a former situation is normal. We all do it, but maybe not about relationships but "the way things were" is a real thing. We all remember things better than they actually occurred. Time's were not always as wonderful as we remember, people were not always as perfect as we recall. I will never forget special moments with past people in my life and I miss those moments sometimes, but not the person as a whole,not the situations we had and not enough to leave my Fiance'. You're allowed to have fond and even romantic memories, just as long as they remain just that, fond memories. Seek counseling and don't beat yourself up too badly, don't make any harsh actions and know that things always appear better from the outside looking in. Good Luck love!!

Yikes! You may want to look into come counseling. If the ex left you for another women that's enough said.

I do feel like it's okay to miss aspects of a relationship - since every relationship is so different. For instance, I miss certain little quirky rituals I had with a relationship that lasted 5 years. Bot no matter how platonic a tradition was, it felt extra gross trying to bring those to a new relationship.

However, missing an ex specifically is a bit concerning.

It is okay. Everyone doesnt process things the same. There are times when you tend to push things to the back of your mind so you don't even think about them anymore, and one day they will come back. You will think about past events, things, and in your case, your ex. You married your husband and you say that you love him, so that means something. It might not be that you are missing your ex, you could be thinking of the possibles. And by possibles I mean, what could have happened if he didn't meet this 'other woman.' We all do it. We think about how our life could've been or how it could've turned out if certain things didn't happen. But, you have to let go of it and let go of the thought of possibilites and live for now. Live for what you have and the things that are happening for certain, not for possibles.

I wish you the best of luck.

View Quoted Comment I made this account just to tell you to shut the heck up!!! you can be in love with more than one person. The whole “maybe your husband isn’t the right man for you then” routine is so old school and prudish. You can love someone fully and miss a past love. If you believe that it’s not the case, then you must also believe that everyone has the “one true” soulmate... absolutely ridiculous. God. Everyone in this post is totally sl*t-shaming this poor woman. Original poster, it is okay to be in love with more than one man and absolutely very common

View Quoted Comment I agree w the last poster, you can be in love with many people at the same time, it's def what you do with that that counts. If you find its intruding in your life then def seek counseling, if they are just sometimes thoughts or your ex is just laying in the background of your thoughts but not really intruding on your present life then I understand how annoying that could be but if your committed to your current husband then try to figure out why suddenly it's coming up in your mind, maybe something is bugging you with your husband and it just triggered this, maybe you can just concentrate on making your marriage better and I am a firm believer in therapy whether or not you think you have an issue of any kind. Good luck keep us posted.

This question is going to cause all kind of answers.

I think the correct answer is, no, you shouldn't, but guess what? Were human beings. All of our past ex's are part of our history. They help make us who we are. So, no, you shouldn't think of him as like "I wish I was with him" but remembering a moment in time, isn't going to be the end of the world. It's like someone telling an old story.

If your thinking about him a lot though..I'd cause for worry. How much do you really love your new husband? and you all-in as much as he is? The heart tells the truth. Be honest, and truthful to yourself and to your husband.

Good luck!

This is tricky. You should be open and discuss this with your Husband. Dont hold in feelings. And have you considered counseling? They might help you debunk these feelings......
Im sorry im not much help.

Btw don't ferl bad or hate on yourself. We arr himan. We got feelings!!!!!!
Im here for you sistah!

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Thank you. I know this is an old post, but this was really inspiring to read. I am grateful for your measured and well thought out answer.

Missing an ex and thinking fondly of an ex are two different things. I think appreciating good times with a person who helped shape you into the person you are is fine, but lingering feelings or wanting to be with an ex is an indicator that something else is amiss. My husband is a quadrillion-bazillion more amazing than all of my exes combined, but that doesn't mean I don't think back to fun trips with exes or memories of them and have a positive association with those moments in my life. I'm not just going to erase years of memories because an ex-boyfriend was associated with them.

First and foremost, not only do I not miss any of my ex's, but I have completely wiped them from my memory. With that said, if you are still even thinking about your ex, you should not have gotten married. You went into this relationship prematurely as you did not resolve your feelings from your previous relationship. This makes me wonder if this is a pattern for you. Clearly, he ended the relationship, but you just let him go and are still holding on to memories. You are giving a man who does not want to be with you, room in your relationship. You truly need to seek counseling on why you have not moved on. But what you CANNOT do is (1) continue thinking about your ex AND be married to your husband; (2) reach out to your ex for closure.

I completely understand where this woman is coming from. I was in a 10 year relationship that was pretty one sided. Most of thr relationship was long distance... I was in Texas and he was in Northern California. We met while he was stationed in Texas, but when he left the Army he wanted to be closer to his family. He never really made plans for us to ever be together and it left me constantly longing for him, for his attention, and for his affection. I was despirate for him to notice me and give me the love I needed. I moved to Northern California 6 years after we dtarted dating, but it was nothing I expected. I spent 6 years glorifying what life would be like when we were finally together only to find out he was more interested in smoking weed and working on his race engines than doing the normal things to make a family operate (he had a son already.) Granted, he was an excellent father, but he was an absolute mess and we argued almost daily. I was always stressed, and the only serenity I found was in the trees. The land there was the most beautiful I had ever witnessed... and I fell in love with the trees when I visited him for the first time early on in our relationship. If you've never seen California Redwoods, go visit and prepare to be amazed. The land there is however very expensive and he always spoke of these dreams he had to do this and do that, while he never really put any action behind anything other than racing. I was blindsided when he broke up with me and left me homeless 3200 miles away from what I knew. I eagerly tried to hold on by renting rooms from people until we got back together, but the effort was fruitless. I had a really hard time letting go and moving on because I felt like in some ways I was to blame for not being "this enough" or "that enough." We were always stressed out together, but I felt like I loved him and I was willing to do anything to make it work. Fast forward to today... well over 12 years after first meeting my ex, and I'm in the most loving relationship I could ask for. I'm pregnant with my first child (I always wanted a family) and my husband (yes I got married) has NEVER EVER made me feel unwanted. Rather I likely made him feel unwanted early on by testing him and pushing him away. I was really messed up by being with my ex and felt incapable of being truely loved. I felt like every man would eventually leave... but my then boyfriend now husband never gave up on us. He has given me the love, patience, loyalty, respect, and kindness that I wanted from my ex. He has never told me I'm too clingy for wanting to spend time together. He helps me with everything I ask from him. His family loves me. I love his family. He is my best friend. He is heaven sent! Yet still, reading the news today and seeing all the fires in Northern California, my heart feels a bit heavy. I dont know if its partially because of the overcast skies ahead, or because I decided to go down an old coastal country NorCal road on google earth... but I feel slightly down. What has taken me so long to realize is that I was mindwashed by my ex. He made me believe he was what I wanted by constantly promising me for better. What I was in love with was the idea of getting away... moving into the country mountains of Northern California and being off the grid. I was totally in love with the mountains, trees, and the ocean. I thought that somehow he'd come around but never did. When he found out I was expecting through a mutual associate, he called me from an unknown number. He told me that he would always love me, wished the child was his, and hoped for the best for me. I told him he had 10 years to make it work, yet somehow he still broke me down and made me cry. I immediateIy felt guilty for being sad because I was madly in love and happy with my husband. I knew that regardless of any what ifs, I had to be present for our baby. Love is sometimes confusing when its not supposed to be. I was in love with what ifs for 10 years and it kept me from progressing and getting what I really wanted. I hate to admit that a small part of me will always love my ex. I dont hate him. I want him to be happy and healthy with someone he can fall in lovr with as deeply as my husband and I are together today. I want nothing bad to happen to him. I want to know that someone is taking care of his heart and he feels loved. Thats the hardest part for me... because I felt like it was my job for so long to try to give him that, but he never allowed me to be 100% vulnerable.


All of that being said, I know whats good for my heart... and thats my husband. I thank God many times a day for giving me the love I needed. I just hope that someday I can have peace of mind knowing my ex won't die alone without love. I hope to know that he will be okay, and feel fulfilled in this lifetime, because even though it wont be with me, he deserves to be happy. That's the sadness I feel for him. And for myself; well I miss the dream I once had of living on a mountainside with a cold creek running just below... and a forest of trees out my back porch. I miss dreaming of being lost in the tallest of trees with my small family, living off of the land. But those were just dreams. My husband works his butt off, and we're looking to buy 100 acres in Central Texas. Our dream will be so much more beautiful because it will be real... I just had to settle on shorter trees.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this 100%.
I have had exs that I was with for years and never thought I'd get over, however once I found my husband I forgot my ex's names. I definitely do not think of other men now that I found my true love. I don't want to sound harsh but maybe you shouldn't have gotten married.

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This is so well sad and i totally agree with you on all of it!!!!