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Just Said Yes October 2020

I’m not religious. Mom pushing for Christian minister.

Lindsay, on May 25, 2019 at 6:21 PM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 0 19

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Hello! I am a hard atheist. And yes, I’m 31 and have chosen to never tell my parents. My mom is very rooted in her Christianity, and cried when my brother moved from her church to an Orthodox Church (even though they both belive in god and Jesus?) and cries to me often in my life about how she thinks her brother isn’t Christian and that in the afterlife they won’t be “together again”. Her and her brother are super close. Anyways, I always figured that it was easier to just not tell her and let her live in ignorant bliss then to completely ruin her life that she won’t be with her own daughter in “heaven”. Anyways. It’s never been an issue in my life till the wedding..... we had a “wedding planning mtg” and she said she REALLY cares about us being married by a minister and not just some “civil servant” which she said with disgust (lol)! I completely respect my parents church and beliefs and upbringing. I also don’t want to make them distressed by dropping on them that in not Christian. I also DO NOT want religion in my ceremony. It makes my skin crawl. Like a big lie on my wedding day. Also a bunch of hoopla to something I don’t believe in? It’s my wedding after all? Any suggestions would GREATLY help. We were thinking of getting a friend ordained btw.

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19 Comments

Latest activity by Valerie, on January 19, 2022 at 4:47 AM

Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on May 25, 2019 at 6:44 PM
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It's your wedding, not your mom's! Your ceremony should be significant for you and your FS. Don't let her pressure you into something you don't want - stand your ground! Wishing you the best of luck!
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Just Said Yes October 2020
Lindsay · on May 25, 2019 at 6:46 PM
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Thanks! I guess because they’re “paying for it” i feel bad and also I’m scared if i say no they’ll know I’m not Christian. Ugh can’t win.
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Expert October 2019
Sara · on May 25, 2019 at 7:01 PM
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Stay firm in your decision and eventually your mom will either have to get on board or let it be. This is your day and you and FH have every right to choose the kind of ceremony you want. My parents are more religious than I am but have been surprisingly okay with our decision. Maybe try pointing out to her that it’s not just about you, it’s about what you and your FH feel is right. If he’s not religious either why would he want religion incorporated in the wedding.
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Expert October 2021
Hillary · on May 25, 2019 at 7:01 PM
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I come from a Jewish family, but I just don’t really believe in organized religion. My dad knows this but I just tell my mom I’m not a religious person without going into detail. I remember the dreaded phone call from my mom asking if we would be married by a rabbi...I said no, we don’t want religion in our wedding. Surprisingly she understood but still wanted us to meet with a rabbi. Which I also said no to. She was definitely disappointed and probably still is, but was fine with hiring just a plain old non religious officiant. My parents are paying for our wedding, but fortunately they haven’t given me the “we’re paying so we have total control”. They just want me to be happy. But anyway, I don’t really have any good advice but just wanted to share my somewhat similar feelings. Maybe just have a talk with your mom? And if there’s anyone else in your family who shares the same views as you, maybe have them be present. I’m so sorry if I am no help. I wish you all the luck!
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Expert June 2019
Sara · on May 25, 2019 at 7:32 PM
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Great idea to get a friend ordained. That's what we did, and FH and I wrote 95% of the ceremony ourselves.
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Super August 2019
Btbride · on May 25, 2019 at 7:59 PM
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Although I firmly believe you should stand your ground on something this important to you, I realize the implications of your mom knowing your atheism are really tough. Would there be any way you could say you wanted to do a short religious ceremony or blessing of your marriage separately? That’s kind of what we did to make my dad happy. He’s Muslim, and fiancé and I are nonreligious, but will be having a mostly nonreligious but very lightly Christian ceremony to appease fiancé’s devout Christian parents (like, there will be a prayer/blessing and mentions of god in the ceremony, but nothing from the Bible). To make my dad happy, we did a simple, non-legally binding Islamic ceremony last summer. It was super easy and didn’t make us any kind of upset because we knew it wasn’t at all our real wedding, just something to make him happy. If there’s no way to do a blessing that wouldn’t be a legal marriage, you could do a religious ceremony after the legal wedding so that way it won’t sully your wedding day.
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Savvy June 2019
Lauryn · on May 25, 2019 at 9:26 PM
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I second the idea of getting a friend to become an officiant. Tell them it's just because you want someone important to you to do it.
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Just Said Yes October 2020
Lindsay · on May 25, 2019 at 9:41 PM
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This IS GENIOUS!! I LITTERALLY ran to tell my future hubby and we were jumping up and down! I think I’m also going to do what is said below here that were not going to say it’s because we’re nit religious but to push that we wanted a very special friend to us both to do it. And push the positivity along with getting a blessing (I’m ok with that 100%) ugh you guys rock!
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VIP September 2019
CDickman · on May 25, 2019 at 10:14 PM
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While I get the asking your friend to do the wedding. Isn’t your mom going to notice it is not a religious ceremony and wonder why?
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Just Said Yes October 2020
Lindsay · on May 25, 2019 at 10:38 PM
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Maybe? But I’m sure she’ll overlook it like she does the fact that she knows I don’t go to church. 😂😂😂😂
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Super August 2019
Btbride · on May 25, 2019 at 11:34 PM
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Hey I’m glad that you think this solution will work!! I hope everything works out and it’s all smooth sailing from here on 💖
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on May 25, 2019 at 11:46 PM
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It sounds like you really need to be honest with your mom. She might be upset, but you should be able to have the ceremony you want.
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Devoted March 2019
Renée · on May 25, 2019 at 11:51 PM
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You may want to check out a Unitarian Universalist minister for a ceremony with some elements of reverence and blessing that are not outside of your beliefs. They would be willing to create that for you and not have a long discourse on the sanctity of marriage from the Bible. You’d be hard pressed to find a Christian minister who was ok with that.
Tricky situation, and good for you not totally caving. My first marriage: I had to go to pre-marital counseling and agree to be subservient to my husband, he wouldn’t have married us if we had been married before, etc. I was too young and scared to not agree and had just found out I was pregnant... so there’s that. It was a nightmare lie of a ceremony to me. So I get it.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on May 26, 2019 at 12:29 AM
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Maybe play the "if my friend gets ordained and married us it would be so meaningful to us" angle?
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Devoted October 2019
Liz · on May 26, 2019 at 1:44 AM
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Just be honest. It's nothing to be ashamed of even if they don't agree with your beliefs. I'm worried someone in my FH's family will be sad it's not Christian but we don't really care. They got to do their weddings, now it's my turn.
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VIP August 2019
Futuremrsk · on May 26, 2019 at 10:34 AM
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Stay firm. Be honest with her. Better to rip the band aid off now and let her come to terms with it. You can find officiants that do all sorts of ceremonies. Our officiant is amazing. She is doing a handfasting ceremony for us, she gave us a ton of different readings to choose from, and wrote a beautiful ceremony that has ZERO religion in it. No mention of god or anything, which is what we wanted. Find a good officiant who respects your beliefs and will perform a ceremony that you love. Dont let your mom try to push it on you, it's your wedding and you need to have a ceremony you are comfortable with.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on May 26, 2019 at 11:06 AM
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As a fellow atheist I am paying for my own wedding so I don't have to deal with this, if she's paying for your wedding then you're going to have a problem.
My parents know and basically ignore our atheistism though, it makes my life easier than many other atheists.
I agree with having a friend do the ceremony, if your mother knows the friend or the friend is very christain she'll probably think it's weird but go with it, do a blessing at the end. If you can sneak a moment of "silent reflection" in during the unity thing she'll probably be happy, many christains do white candles for the unity activity and that's technically not religious but it might be a close enough activity where pairing it with "silent reflection" from audience might be convincing enough for mom.
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Super November 2019
Kristin · on May 28, 2019 at 10:55 AM
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Could you ask a friend to get ordained? That's what we did. That way you could tell her that you want someone who means a lot to both of you to be the one that marries you instead of someone you might have a loose affiliation with on Sundays. It kinda gets you out of having to broach the subject of religion that way.
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Just Said Yes June 2023
Valerie · on January 19, 2022 at 4:47 AM
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How about if you don’t believe in God, then what would it hurt to accommodate the religious family members? And what’s wrong with a blessing? If you don’t believe in God than how can it hurt you.? Maybe take that in to consideration and throw them a bone. It takes the pressure off of you.
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