I'm ready.. He's unsure

Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. Maybe you guys can do some couples counseling? It seems like he isn’t being honest about everything, especially because he’s avoiding all talks of marriage. I wish you the best of luck!!

I would suggest he get himself into individual counseling to figure out the issue. Couple's counseling can be a nice addition, but this sounds more line something going on with him rather than an issue you two are having together.

You have to decide how important being married is to you. And if you would be okay possible not getting married and just being with your fiancé. If the marriage aspect is very important to you, you have to give him an ultimatum. You’ve been together 8 years and lived together for 3. If he is unsure now about marriage it doesn’t seem like anything will make him sure. Also try couples counseling as there may be some underlying issues and obviously some sort of commitment issue that they could help you guys with. Best of luck, I can’t imagine how frustrating that would be! But you have to do what’s best for you, you can’t let him dictate your happiness because he’s unsure.

View Quoted Comment Great advice! I never thought I’d have to resort to an ultimatum but at this point I am willing to see how it goes. What exactly should my ultimatum be? How should I go about saying it?

It sounds like he's just telling you what you want to hear rather than actually committing to getting married. If he wasn't ready, which it doesn't sound like he is, then he never should have proposed. I would honestly probably would have walked away by now. If he wanted to marry you nothing would stop him. If he doesn't like an audience then eloping would be the perfect solution, but he's making up excuses. I would tell him either he wants to comitt to you by getting married and if he doesn't then you shouldn't be together because you shouldn't have to put your dreams of getting married on hold because he unable to decide what he wants.

I kinda feel if he’s not ready after 8 years, he may never be. I’m not sure I’d put an ultimatum on getting married but I would want counseling ASAP (couples but also individual because he either really doesn’t know why he’s against marriage or he doesn’t know how to express it. But in any case he needs to be honest with himself and you).

I just want to send you a hug too! I’d be so upset & frustrated. 🤗

View Quoted Comment I’m not sure if counseling is even offered here. If it is, I’ve never heard anything of it and I strongly doubt that he’d even be willing to go..

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I really appreciate it 😭❤️

View Quoted Comment I agree with Shana and Veronica that after 8 years and 3 living together this is it (unless you decide you don’t care about being legally married). I would say I want to talk to you about our relationship. Is now ok? If not now when?...I love you and I love our life together. You have every right not to marry me, but I’m not comfortable continuing without being married. If you don’t want to set a date within a year (or whatever timeframe) I’m going to leave. And if he lets you go then he probably wasn’t really in it. And maybe he will decide he doesn’t want to lose you and he wants to go for it. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose someone to be happy and get what you want out of life. I think counseling is a great idea if he actually wants to do it, but I don’t know him and idk how likely that is. People get really PO’d about ultimatums but I don’t think you should allow anyone to walk all over you for years and for you to put all your happiness in someone else’s hands indefinitely. I’ve been there done that and I’ve watched many women in my life go through it. The drama, the waiting, the tears, the years wasted, are not worth it. And I think it’s not ok for men to use up years of your life because they’re indecisive or afraid of commitment, all the while knowing you want a marriage (and maybe a family too if that applies to you). I agree with you that I wouldn’t want to marry someone who didn’t want to marry me. Of course you can have a life together and family without marriage if that’s what you want. But it doesn’t sound like you do. Yes sometimes men suddenly do a surprise proposal or elopement after ten years, but I wouldn’t count on it. Especially since you were already engaged, went through the steps, and called it off. I wish you only the best in life, good luck, and hugs ❤️ Keep us updated!

I am sorry. You can do so much better.


If a man commits to marriage after 6-8 years together, and calls it off after all the wedding plans have been made and the money has been paid, he has severe commitment issues. He is being disrespectful to you, and everyone who made plans to attend this wedding.
He's gaslighting you by saying you just want a wedding.
If he was afraid of being in front of a crowd, he should have said so BEFORE you planned and paid for a wedding.
If he didn't want to get married, he should have never agreed to marry you.
Sounds like he is comfortable and loves you enough to keep you around, but wants to keep his options open. He is making excuses and stringing you along.
All of this would be a NO for me. I am really sorry. I don't think you should have to hear this from an Internet stranger, but it's as clear as day. You deserve a man who is honest and follows through on his promises.

View Quoted Comment Counseling is offered all over! There’s the phone, Skype or Zoom calls. You can see if your insurance might cover it but if not I think a few sessions would be worth it... unless you want to continue this situation you’re in with no communication or resolution (I don’t think he’ll talk or change with you pushing him).

Is there a reason why he’d be scared of commitment? Like parents went through a bad divorce?

Actually, reading further into your post if he’s not wanting to commit after already being together 8 years that’s a big red flag. I’d give him the ultimatum. Apart from getting married does your relationship have any issues?

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THIS!! This is such great advice, and you're SO right about everything. I'll try what you suggested and see how it goes! Ill let you know! Thanks so much!

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You could be right. If that's the case then I do deserve better. I just wish there was a way of knowing that for sure. He just confuses the heck out of me!! He has said before that hes "still young..." Yet he contradicts it with "But you are all I want. I love you I'm just not ready yet.. just give it time..." I've tried being more patient but its so frustrating that I'm literally ready and its just a waiting game. I don't want to start over. 8 years has been invested into this. I just want to get through to him. I do deserve someone who KNOWS.

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From time to time we do argue and bicker. But I'm mature enough to see that that's normal and will happen with anyone. It's normally over stuff though like me wanting him to help me clean the house more and him being upset over me nagging lol. We both stayed stressed - me over college/money/housework/wedding planning, him really just over money. There was a lack of appreciation going on from both ends a while back, but we've really worked on it and improved a lot. Sometimes he even refers to me as his "wifey" and talks about how lucky he is to have me. Then when I build up the confidence to talk about marriage.. he'll be so short with me. He says the topic makes him nervous and he just doesnt know??? Like WTH is going on here..?

How old are the two of you that he claims he's "too young"? My daughter and her husband met as freshmen in HS, and started dating their sophomore year. They'd been together eight years as an exclusive couple when they got married about 18 months ago. They were about 24 at the time of the wedding, which for lots of people is definitely "young" but they both felt they were ready -- they'd graduated from college, were working full time, had been living together for a couple of years, and were financially independent -- and they both truly wanted to be married to each other. I agree with others that you need to figure out what you want, and if he can't/won't make the commitment that you want him to, then I encourage you (with counseling or without) to seriously consider ending things and moving on. I know it's hard and scary, but it sounds like you deserve more than what he's willing to provide. Good luck to you!

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I'm 21 and he's 24!

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I know everyone is different, but since you're 21 and he's 24, I can better understand his claim that he's too young -- especially if as you say he's worried about money. Like I said, for my daughter and SIL, although they loved each other all the way back to when they were 16, there was no way either of them felt they were ready to get married until after they finished their educations, they were both a bit settled in their careers, and they'd had a chance to save so they felt like they were prepared for most possibilities. Given your ages, I don't think waiting is as big a deal, but if you're not okay with that then I still think you need to do what's best for you.