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Savvy June 2020

I'm ready.. He's unsure

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Maddison, on May 2, 2020 at 12:05 PM

My FH and I have been together 8 years come June... We've been engaged for close to 2 years now. Originally, we were supposed to get married June 6th, but came to a mutual agreement in February to call it off. This was a total nightmare, but he said he just didn't feel ready and like it felt rushed. Because of this, of course I'm not going to want to either! I don't want to plan a wedding and him not show up the day of!
I don't know why he feels this way, and he can't really give me a solid explanation as to why either. I'm just really frustrated and I'm becoming inpatient. I literally already had it all planned out, my bridesmaids had bought their dresses, Save the Dates were Mailed, My dress was altered and paid off.. EVERYTHING.
He has also said he gets nervous and doesn't want to be infront of a crowd.. so I suggest eloping. He agrees that sounds like a better idea, but when I try to plan it with him, he avoids the topic and has nothing to say about it. We already own a home together and have lived there for almost 3 years. I'm not sure what he's so afraid of. Then he also tries to tell me that I just want a wedding and not to marry him.. which is FALSE! It just seems like hes making excuses. But why?
I'm lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love him, can't see myself being with anyone else, and want to be his wife. But he's looking too much into it I guess and has chickened out. He says he loves me too and wants to marry me, but just doesn't know when. I have tried talking about it with him so many times. He actually says I bring it up too much!
I'm open to hear your alls thoughts and advice?
Thanks..

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29 Comments

Champion July 2019
Veronica · on May 2, 2020 at 4:07 PM
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My brother and sister-in-law were married at 18 and 19. Neither one were unsure about the other. They knew they wanted to be married. Their commitment to one another was never a question. It sounds like your fiance's commitment to you is the problem. It unfortunately sounds like he's not as committed to you as you are to him. If you can't even discuss marriage with him that's a problem. Not to be mean, but he has already made a fool of you by calling off your wedding once. It sounds like he is stinging you along while he explores other options. You deserve better and shouldn't have to settle for anything else. You are still young and have plenty of life ahead of you and you deserve a man that has no questions about whether he wants to marry you and when.
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Dedicated April 2021
Janae · on May 2, 2020 at 4:59 PM
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I agree with the other ladies I would suggest couples counseling. There is definitely something else going on. If he is unable or unwilling to go to a counselor. You could always go to the in laws or someone who knows you both well. Who would be willing to help you communicate better.

My FH and I have gone to his father for advice on a disagreement before. He was super helpful. Its always nice to have someone who has ya'll back. Family and friends are very resourceful.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on May 2, 2020 at 7:02 PM
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After ready many comments, I feel like his uncertainty and fear of marriage may come from the fact that you two have been together so long but are still so young. Was there any pressure being put on him to propose when he did? It sounds like he proposed because that’s what is “supposed” to happen but is clearly not ready to commit to marriage itself. Typically as people date around and experience different relationships, break ups, and periods of being single, they experience a lot of self-growth, gain independence, establish their identity as an individual, and fine tune what they are really looking for in a partner. I agree with others who say you need to have a serious talk and possibly look into counseling.
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on May 2, 2020 at 8:20 PM
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I would actually 100% advise against an ultimatum. I understand that you've been together a long time and that cancelling your wedding must have been horrible, but do you want to start off your marriage with a threat? That's essentially what an ultimatum is (to me). "You either do this suffer the consequences." In very, very few circumstances would I say an ultimatum is okay. This isn't one, if anything I'm afraid this could cause resentment in the future by treating a symptom but not the actual problem. I would certainly recommend he start going to therapy (mostly for himself, but couples therapy could also be extremely helpful). However, if you do want to give him an ultimatum (which I am assuming in this case would be either you get married or you part ways?), be prepared on the "or" part. You said you would leave if you didn't get married? Leave. You said you would leave if he didn't start consistently going to counseling? Leave. Otherwise they're just empty threats that will get you two nowhere.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on May 2, 2020 at 9:36 PM
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Being young is no excuse for gaslighting you. It's also no excuse for letting you plan and pay for a wedding only to pull the plug at the last minute. His stringing you along like this is cruel, no matter his age.

He calls you "wifey" because the fantasy gives him warm fuzzies and he doesn't take a moment to think what that does for your feelings or expectations. You know how kids play cops and robbers or husband and wife? They do it because it's fun, not because they actually want to be cops and robbers some day. That's what your FH is doing.
You were both children when you started dating. Neither of you have dated other people as adults. He is scared to leave what's comfortable, but he wants to see what else is out there. He's too immature to tell you this, he may not even know himself.
You are so, so young, but life is too short to put up with someone who can't keep promises and turns his own insecurities around on you.
Waiting would not be a big deal if your partner were open and honest with you, which he is not.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 3, 2020 at 1:57 AM
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In that case I can understand his hesitation. Being together for 8 years starting at 13 and 16 is completely different than being together for 8 years starting at 22 and 25 (for example). You're both young, and you've been together since you were young teenagers. There's no hurry.
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Dedicated October 2021
Tee · on May 3, 2020 at 2:08 AM
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I definitely would recommend some premarital/couples counseling. It might help illuminate what may be going on in your dyad for your fiancé specifically. If that’s not an option, I’d recommend writing out your concerns (each of you) and then coming together to talk through the issues. Also, for yourself, I’d say focus on your values and needs, and think about what you’re willing to compromise and what’s most important to you. Hope that helps.
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Savvy June 2020
Maddison · on May 3, 2020 at 9:04 AM
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What you're saying is also true! Thank you
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Savvy June 2020
Maddison · on May 4, 2020 at 8:05 PM
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Just wanted to give everyone an update of what went down..
so I finally got to the bottom of his concerns. I didn’t go through with the ultimatum. I tried but it sort of backfired, caused resentment, and made him feel cornered. But he ended up actually opening up and being honest about why he has reservations about getting married right now.
He said it has nothing to do with me and he doesn’t doubt at all that we’ll get married someday, otherwise he wouldn’t of proposed. He just wants to wait until we’re more on our feet. He said he’s still trying to figure out who he is and we’re both young. He said there’s no reason to rush and that we need to just focus on now, be happy with what we have, and grow together. He said he doesn’t want to feel pressured but wants it to be the right timing, when we’re less stressed, I’m done with college, and we have less on our plate. I see where he’s coming from and I could tell that it was hard for him to open up about this. So I’m just going to trust Gods timing and be patient ❤️ when it’s supposed to happen, it’ll happen.
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