In-law struggles

What matters more here is if the two of you believe you're ready for life together and the struggles that will come. That age is young for some, I personally wasn't ready at 23, but for others that's the perfect age for them. How old you both are isn't as important as how solid you feel in your relationship. Have you dealt with hardships together? Do you feel as though together you are able to work through problems and communicate effectively?

Don't change your plans because of his parents, but when you say that your fiancé has been taught nothing about the real world, do you actually believe he is equipped to be a husband and a partner right now? If you both believe you are, then get married. His parents won't like it but it's not up to them and honestly no amount of "showing them" is going to change.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for the reply, yes I believe we are both ready. We’ve been through a LOT in our relationship just over the few years we’ve been together and I believe we’ve really grown. I 100% know he’d be amazing husband material. I probably should have been more clear about the real life stuff part. His parents haven’t taught him anything about finding a job, resumes, cooking, interview processes etc. I’ve taught him everything and for me it’s been a complete honor to teach the man I love more than anything things that will help him become the best version of himself that he can be. We’ve had some big fights over the course of the relationship, but we have always solved them within 48 hours and effectively. I think his parents are very reliant on the age. I know part of them being so toxic about it is both of their first marriages failed. And my fiancé is the first to marry out of his siblings (and he’s the youngest) which may also play a big part in why they are being the way they are?

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That could be. I'm sure there could be something there with them feeling like their youngest is growing up too soon. You've mentioned a few times that they're toxic as well, so there may not be any sort of logical response to this - it's just them trying to control things.

As long as you both feel you're ready and are prepared to take marriage on then I'd say continue with your plans. But, be prepared that his parents may never come around to that idea. It might be a good idea now to talk about boundaries together and how you'll handle things with them. You'll want to be a united front on this throughout the entire planning process and in your marriage after. Don't continue to feel the need to show them why it's worth it. If they don't see it now then nothing you do will help and it'll just frustrate you. Continue with your planning and don't bring it up to them.

There is no right age to get married, I got married when I was 18 and I was divorced by 20, While His actions is what led to the divorce I knew I wasn't ready I spent the longest time learning about who I was and what I wanted in life, my sister got married when she was 25 and she has been married now for 10 years. but I think there are deciding factors on rather or not you should get married, are you financially stable? have you learned how to argue constructively? have you seen each other at their lowest, can you respect each other when it's hard? are you both independent or are you dependent on each other? do you get along with the family does he let you do your own thing or do you have to check in all the time or ask permission to do something? are you independent as a person? one of the many factors that led to my divorce was my ex was a momma boy and would tell her everything from our fights and she would judge me? some things to think about I am now 33 and getting married and I am now just feeling ready because I took my time and learned who I was

Does your FH depend on them financially? Or for basic life things such as meals and cleaning/laundry? You mentioned you helped him learning interviewing and such- does he have a job? It’s possible they just don’t want him to leave the house, but it’s also possible they’re thinking about things you two aren’t.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your reply!! To answer your questions, my finances have all gone to finishing up my college degree, but we have made plans for how to split up costs as a couple until I can land a job down in his area (he has been saving up money for us since we started dating knowing that my family has stolen about 4K out of my bank account over the years.) we don’t argue much at all, but when we do, it’s always solved within a day or two! Yes, we have definitely seen eachother at our lowest. And we have, over the years, learned how to help the other effectively when that happens. I’m very close to his family, which is why them being opposed to our timing of the wedding was a bit of a shock. I’ve never fought with his parents before, and they always say that I’m like their daughter and they love me to pieces which is what also made the opposition quite strange. I would say we are both pretty independent people, but we willingly choose to be reliant on eachother. Especially because of how hard this year hit us.

View Quoted Comment There have been struggles. They are thinking of those things, however they love to put my FH down and make him feel like trash when they haven’t put any effort into parenting or teaching things over the years. He does currently have a paid internship in a career that can make quite a bit of money (he started recently). They never taught him to cook, but he knows how to do things like laundry and basic meals that are microwave related (this was never a problem for us, as I enjoy cooking and have no problem cooking for him as long as he can work a microwave for when I’m not around it’s all good). I guess what just gets to me is they put him down for their lack of parenting. It’s not necessarily his fault that he didn’t know how to cook when they’ve never tried to teach him (even when he asked to be taught). It’s a very complicated situation

This doesn’t sound personal, just wisdom of age and experience focusing on the fact that you’re so young. Even in my early 30s when I looked back into my 20s, it was shocking how much of a baby I realized I was , even though I was sure I was a fully formed adult, navigating a job, having an apartment, paying bills etc. But I still had (still have!) so much to learn from life experience. Because of that, if my kid came to me wanting to marry young, I would push them to make sure they were really ready and understood the gravity of the commitment. My perspective is and has always been “what’s the rush ?” If you’re in a loving, committed relationship now, you should be able to be so as well in 5-10 years with or without a ring. So, for me as a parent, I’d encourage growing together now, legally melding together later, without even factoring in the humans or relationship involved. The marriage doesn’t bring stability, the stability of the relationship is what leads to the the good marriage.


I’m not here to judge your relationship or your story or your age or to tell you you’re too young to get married. Only to offer an attempt at an explanation of their perspective. You ask if you go ahead or if you delay to appease them. But only you guys can answer that. To do so, really focus on why it is you want to get married so promptly. And sit with that and spend some time reflecting on it, and let that help be your guiding light. You can’t appease everyone or make everyone happy with your life choices, and you don’t need to— you need to make your life choices based on what is best for your life. But sometimes it is worth taking the time to consider where they are coming from as you make the choices that are best for you.

Are you both financially independent? I could see where parents might have an issue with age if one or both of you is still living at home or you dont' have jobs that would support living on your own. That said, they still can't tell you not to get married, but I could see where they may have some concerns. I'm sorry this is happening though, it's always frustrating when people surprise you negatively.

I mean this with kindness: Part of being mature enough to get married is to be able to stand on your own two feet (both partners) and make decisions about your life with confidence. If you allow outside feedback to make you consider cancelling ("do we give up our special day to appease them?"), you might not actually be ready.

Separate, but related: It can be a difficult lesson, but it's so important to understand that you can't control other people's emotions or actions. All you can control is your own reaction to them. Sure it's disappointing that his parents aren't supportive, but it doesn't need to be a deal breaker unless you let it.

View Quoted Comment I absolutely understand your viewpoint. We’ve been discussing marriage for a pretty long time and been figuring out the best way to prepare ourselves for this next big step. Our rush is this: we don’t want to wait. He lives multiple hours away from me, and we can’t live together until marriage due to how I was religiously raised. The distance is extremely difficult, and we’d like to walk into this next part of our life together as a team. I will be walking out of college with a degree, while he takes his steps into a trade job (he’s currently doing a paid internship for one that he hopes to continue at). We just personally believe that we are ready and willing to make this work. We’ve been to hell and back during our relationship and we always find a way to make it work which is why we are so passionate to find a way to make this work as well! I just want people to know this isn’t a spur of the moment decision, it has been thoroughly planned and thought out. We’ve taken every step we possibly can to prepare ourselves for this and we feel like it’s a great time for us. I have no doubt there will be struggles, because you’re right, we are young. And we don’t live in the most forgiving or preparing world ever. But realistically, there is no great time for things extra like this in life: getting married, having kids, etc. There will always be something that gets in the way wether it be timing or money, etc. I guess I just don’t wanna upset his family, but I’m trying to stick to a perspective that is: as long as we are taking the necessary steps, we should be supported and loved by the people that we support and love

View Quoted Comment Yup! We are financially independent for the most part. However most of my money has either been stolen by my family (won’t go into detail. But it’s extremely toxic and 4K was taken from me that I worked for.) so he has done most of the saving up for all of this knowing my family could yet again drain mine. We have expenses split up the best we can and are prepared for the first few months until I can land a job in his area (won’t be too hard as they have tons of job openings). But yes the negativity has been rather difficult

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry but I don’t see that as kindness as you don’t know me or what I’ve been through. I come from a very toxic household. One where I had to do what everyone else wanted or there would be hell to pay. I’ve come a long way from what I was, I said yes when he proposed without a second thought. I know we are ready as a couple. Everyone will always have some growing to do. And making decisions without fear of what other people think is just my area of growth that needs to be worked on.

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OK. Good luck with your wedding and marriage.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I appreciate it

It does sound like they just think you're not ready from their viewpoint, nothing personal. I think if you guys feel you are ready and this is what you both want for your future, don't change your plans for them. They could come around to it and be more supportive eventually, and I'm sure that's entirely possible if you have a good relationship with them. Regardless, I would honestly try to avoid talking about it with them if it's going to cause stress and frustration. You and your fiancé should be on the same page with setting boundaries with them in that case so it's not a you vs them situation, or it never gets addressed and then there's even more tension. You can respectfully decline to discuss it further if they cannot be supportive because you want to maintain a positive relationship with them. If they're willing to at least have a cordial conversation and be respectful to you guys, not taking any frustrations out on you, then that's a different story. At the end of the day, you are both adults making this decision, and you have someone who loves you and wants to vow to love you and then some for the rest of your lives. If you support each other, that's what matters.

But I can understand where you're coming from. My husband's parents also felt the same about our relationship. We moved in together after 9 months of dating and got engaged after a year and a half at ages 21 and 20. His dad was trying to convince him that we weren't ready for any of the life choices that we were making, but my husband always brought up to them that they got married after 2 months of knowing each other at 18 and 23, and they're still going strong. It took a while, but they eventually came around and were our biggest supporters. We did have a long engagement, which I'm sure helped, but we're still young (24 and 23). We both knew that this is what we wanted and what we were ready for. I couldn't imagine ever changing that, even for our parents.

View Quoted Comment That’s exactly how I feel about it. It’s just so incredibly hard to stop thinking about what everyone else wants from us and think more about what we want. Sadly I’ve come to realize engagements and weddings can kinda bring out the worst in some people, even if they are great people. Thank you for your insight and your thoughts, it’s definitely appreciated

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I feel you there! I spent our entire engagement so focused on everyone else and what they wanted instead of what we wanted, and it just made the whole experience so miserable. Someone will be upset no matter what you do, unfortunately. I'd say just focus on what you want, but I know that's easier said than done. Do the best you can. It will all turn out alright.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything!

View Quoted Comment Thank you! Much appreciated

It honestly sounds like they are coming from a place of love and wanting to see your relationship work out for the long run. But at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what you and your fiance want to do. You guys still have a lot of pretty big steps ahead of you: finding full time jobs, finding a place to live, living together for the first time, becoming completely financially independent from your parents. All of those things can be pretty stressful on their own, let alone trying to do all of them basically at the same time. So I would just say that make sure you guys are being honest with yourselves and are really ready to face all of that at this point in your life.