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Devoted September 2018

In-laws: How much is too much?

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Sarah, on November 8, 2018 at 6:45 PM

Hi ladies! It's been a while since I posted, but I am seeking a little perspective and advice... I like my MIL and we get along well (so far!). The dilemma that I am facing is that she lives about an hour and a half from my hubby and I, and recently accepted a new job that is very close to our home....

Hi ladies! It's been a while since I posted, but I am seeking a little perspective and advice...

I like my MIL and we get along well (so far!). The dilemma that I am facing is that she lives about an hour and a half from my hubby and I, and recently accepted a new job that is very close to our home. The job is part-time for a few days every week, and she is asking to stay with us during that time.

Hubby and I are just starting in our marriage, and the only tension I feel is the need for our own privacy and space (we just moved in together), and making sure my MIL is taken care of. If we compromise and agree that she can stay with us for some of the times and not others, I struggle with what is too much time (and where she will stay the other times, but I know we aren't entirely responsible for her).

How much time is too much time for an in-law stay on the regular, in your opinion? Especially if you get along... I don't want to agree to too much and for it to affect our relationship (hubby and I's or with my MIL)... Eek!

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24 Comments

VIP July 2018
Jen · on November 9, 2018 at 11:13 AM
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For me, this would be a definite no! DH should just explain to his Mom that while it was okay when he was single, having a house guest for so much time isn't the right way to start off a marriage. It's too bad that this wasn't handled when she accepted the job a few months ago and started to say with your then FH (like she can stay temporarily until you two were married) as it will be tough to undo this now - but I still would.
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Devoted October 2018
persimonefink · on November 9, 2018 at 12:31 PM
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In our culture, its expected that the son takes care of his parents in older age. In spite of that, my DH and I are in complete agreement that his parents would NEVER live with us. They live in the building next door because he feels too guilty to be far away from them (even in the same borough) so we don't currently have to worry about that being an issue, but if it ever came into consideration it would be a hard no from me no matter where in our relationship we're at. The most, we had is his aunt stayed with us the week after the wedding which sucked because we wanted our privacy but she was low maintenance and didn't need us around.

You are clearly not comfortable with the situation. State it as is. Don't compromise on something like this or it'll turn into more. Set boundaries now or never have them.
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Devoted September 2018
Sarah · on November 12, 2018 at 8:47 PM
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Thank you so much to all the ladies who responded - I really do sincerely appreciate it! I am a little too used to "giving myself up" for other people, and not setting appropriate boundaries, so I wondered about how others would handle this one. It's been good to hear that my reluctance to have my MIL "visit"/live with us part-time isn't unfounded. Thank you for the support, and I suspected as much. I need to draw a healthy boundary in order to protect my marriage, especially since DH and I are just starting out.
Thank you all again!!
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Master May 2020
Tara · on February 7, 2019 at 11:43 AM
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No one can really give you a set time limit because it’s didferent for everyone. And everyone’s MIL is different. I personally would not feel comfortable with my MIL staying with us for a few days on a periodic basis. We would definitely butt heads with her telling me how to run my household.
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