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Just Said Yes June 2018

Including “step” child in unity/vows

Laura, on February 27, 2018 at 11:49 PM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 0 11

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My fiancé and I have been together a year. I met his daughter about a month and half into our relationship because we knew from the very beginning that this was it ❤️
Her mother has tried to make things difficult, which puts more stress on his daughter. (They have been divorced 3 years.) Coming from a blended family myself I know how much better it is when everyone gets along. We try very hard to get along with the mother, it just doesn’t always workout as planned. His daughter and I have an “okay” relationship. we think If her mother wasn’t so influential on “if she likes me or not” our relationship would be better. She’s comfortable around me and even talks to me about things I don’t think she tells either of her parents.
Since we are getting married in June I’m trying to get as much done now of small things. We are doing unity sand and the idea of including her has come up in discussion.
- is this suppose to just be unity between man and woman? or unity among families?
the topic has also come up about maybe doing Vows to her as well.. I’m all for it but is this something that people generally do when marrying someone with a child/children? ( she’s 12)

All advice is welcome!
Thanks, Laura.

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Powers2, on February 28, 2018 at 10:28 AM

Super June 2019
Eamsee · on February 28, 2018 at 12:02 AM
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I think the idea of including her with the unity sand is a really good idea and I think she will appreciate it. 12 is a tough age to begin with and a major life change like her father remarrying is bound to cause some stress. I think this will be a good way of showing her that you know he comes as a package deal and she is becoming your family just as much as he is. I don't think vows to her are necessary, though perhaps it would be nice to say something acknowledging her somewhere in there.
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Master March 2018
Orchids · on February 28, 2018 at 12:31 AM
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I LOVE the idea of including her in the sand ceremony.
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Devoted June 2018
SoKatiiee · on February 28, 2018 at 1:14 AM
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Honestly, the only reason I would ever do the unity sand would be if I was blended a family. I think it has so much more meaning this way then when it’s just between a man and woman! I would let her pick a color that represents her so she feels just as included!
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Just Said Yes June 2018
Laura · on February 28, 2018 at 2:12 AM
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That is such a good idea! I will definitely have to do that, thank you!
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Just Said Yes June 2018
Laura · on February 28, 2018 at 2:12 AM
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Thank you!!
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Just Said Yes June 2018
Laura · on February 28, 2018 at 2:15 AM
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Yes, thank you! I was unsure about the vows, because it seems kind of awkward. Haha

thank you for your advice!
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Super September 2019
An · on February 28, 2018 at 9:37 AM
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Agree with this - I think the sand ceremony is a nice idea and will make her feel included without anything feeling too awkward.
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Expert February 2018
PHXBride · on February 28, 2018 at 9:48 AM
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Our step son is 10 and he was the one that handed us our rings during the ceremony. Also, he walked down the aisle just before me with a sign that said here comes the bride.
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Dedicated January 2018
Ashley · on February 28, 2018 at 10:16 AM
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We chose not to do the sand ceremony for our wedding, but we still wanted to include my now stepson. We chose to have him do a reading of The Velveteen Rabbit, about being Real. He's 7 and did a fabulous job, and he looked absolutely adorable while reading too.
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Master April 2018
Powers2 · on February 28, 2018 at 10:28 AM
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I have a 6 year old DD from a previous marriage. SO has been in her life since she was 2.5. They love each other dearly.

That being said I strongly believe that children should not be making vows to adults, and vice versa. I understand the sentiment, but I cringe when I see it.
The ways that we are including her in the wedding are as follows:

She's our flower girl
She will walk out with us after our vows are said / leading the recessional
We will be inviting her out to the dance floor halfway through our first dance
FH bought her a pearl bracelet that he will be giving to her in a private moment

I think you need to find her currency and use that as a way to bond with your future stepdaughter. Does she like to shop? Is she a gamer? Into music or sports? Surprise her with something for the 3 of you to do together either just before or just after the wedding.

I also think bigger picture, your FH and his ex wife need to figure out how to co-parent or everyone will be miserable.
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Including “step” child in unity/vows

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