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Beginner September 2021

inlaws

Jennifer, on September 27, 2021 at 8:49 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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So I recently got married on September 4. I’ve been with my husband for almost 7 years. I’ve had time to get to know my future in-laws. Some good some bad. They mean well but can be very over bearing and self serving at times. My current dilema…….boundaries! Example…. I ended up staying home from work today due to a horrible migraine and my husband let them know in case I needed anything. Which is great! Well after my husband gets gone from work his dad just shows up unannounced with a photo frame he bought at a garage sale wondering if we want it. He comes in the house and before my husband even lets him in I’m like noooo I don’t feel like seeing anyone when I feel like crap. He comes in and he says o I just came over to check on you which is a load of crap! I get really grip and I’m like no you didn’t need to come over here. The real reason he came over is bevy he’s retired and bored and does what he wants when he wants with no regard for what we or I may want. So needless to say pretty sure I sounded like a raging ***** This is not the first time he just shows up! I’m trying to be respectful but I feel like my needs and wants are not being respected. I know we need to just sit down and talk but not sure how to do that with two people who take everything personal when they don’t get their way! Help how should I go about this?

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Maggie, on September 28, 2021 at 11:42 AM

Dedicated April 2022
Rachel · on September 27, 2021 at 10:45 PM
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I think the only thing you can do is you and your husband sit down and explain it’s your house and you need to be notified before they just drop by. That or keep your doors locked at all times so they can’t just walk in haha

I know it’s a hard topic to discuss, but they probably don’t grasp the issue, which means it will continue. It’s not rude to have your husband request that they reach out before heading over. If they take it personally, it’s their issue not yours
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Super July 2020
Cool · on September 27, 2021 at 10:57 PM
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It seems like FH telling his dad you were staying home unnecessarily opened the door for them to stop by. Try to avoid sharing unnecessary information like that. If you want them to be around to help you, know they’ll just stop by. Otherwise, FH needs to stop telling them so many details.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 28, 2021 at 8:08 AM
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Have a talk with his husband and have him set the boundaries. My husband and I went through this exact same thing with his grandmothers - they are both bored with their lives because they're home all day. He had to let them know not to show up to our house unannounced or we wouldn't open the door. One grandmother tried it even 2 times after that and was disappointed when the door wasn't opened - but she got the point!
I definitely get how you are feeling because its ANNOYINGGGGGG!
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on September 28, 2021 at 9:13 AM
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First thing is first: talk to your husband.
Why did he tell his parents you were staying home? Your in-laws do not need to know your whereabouts on a given day. If you had needed something, you could have contacted them and said, "hey I stayed home from work today because I'm unwell, would you mind bringing me some lunch?" or whatever. This strikes me as very weird, and also it absolutely opens the door - pun not intended - for them to encroach on your life whenever they want. The first boundary is that your husband shouldn't be telling his parents that you stayed home in the first place. I'm not saying he has to hide it, just that it wasn't necessary for him to offer that information.
You also need to make sure you have a united front on this. How does your husband feel about it? Does he agree that the unannounced visit was inappropriate? You both need to sit down to have a conversation about boundaries, and that only works if he is on your side.
From there, there really is no gentle way to approach this situation. You collectively have to put your foot down - no more unannounced visits, period. Not just when you're not feeling well, but period. You have your own lives and your own home, and they have to respect the boundaries of that.
Your in-laws don't need information on your day-to-day lives, so don't offer it to them.
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Devoted February 2022
Chloe · on September 28, 2021 at 9:20 AM
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I know what you're going through! My (almost) in-laws are like that: well-meaning, but retired, bored and they do not grasp boundaries. We've moved recently and have not given them the new key - so that took care of them "just dropping by" whenever to leave us apples, or to clean up our fridge or wash our windows (this really happened). Thing is, you don't want a confrontation because in their minds, they are being nice and helpful and you wont be able to avoid hurt feelings, no matter how gently you try to explain it to them... I would really just not inform them when you're home sick (why would your husband even write that? It's like an invitation to come and fuss over you). Can they let themselves into your house? Ask for your keys back, "forget" to give them back. Pretend you're not home when they come knocking unannounced. They will learn eventually.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on September 28, 2021 at 11:42 AM
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This one is tough because "show up unannounced" vs. "always call first/wait to be invited" is so cultural. I was raised in a "wait to be invited" family" and my husband was raised in a "family is always welcome any time, no matter what" family. It used to be quite a challenge, but luckily, my husband is a black sheep and he hates people showing up unannounced.
You (well, not you, your husband, since it's his family) need to be VERY explicit about what is acceptable for your home. No hinting, no jokes to try to make it go down easier, no hoping or assuming they will understand. Just come right out and say that uninvited/unannounced visitors do not work for you two. Then you (again, he) deal with infractions directly, with appropriate consequences. You will eventually train them to respect your boundaries, but it may take awhile. But if you aren't consistent or waver at all, you will have to start over. Kind of like puppy house training.
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