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Devoted August 2022

Invite some extended family, but not all?

Bride2Be, on August 31, 2021 at 12:37 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 26
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Our max is 200 and our list has hit 217 so I have to make some cuts. There is a lot of extended family from my moms side that my aunt thinks we need to include. We have a large family tree and they are very traditional with the whole “you must invite the WHOLE family”. My mom passed away back in 2012 and my aunt has really stepped in and taken on some of her role with the whole wedding planning and reaching out to me and helping pay for parts of the wedding. It’s a true blessing and we are SO grateful! But I need to make some cuts! Is it bad to only invite some of our extended family who were around when I was a kid? Some of their aunts and uncles were not really around me as a kid and I don’t really know them and definitely am not close to them.


One family didn’t invite me to their kids wedding, and I am definitely not mad about that (I wouldn’t have gone anyways) and my aunt thinks that was crazy we didn’t get invited but I’m not at all close with them so I wasn’t surprised! These are some people I would cut from the list but they have soooooo many brothers and sisters and only some of them I actually know. And by “know” I mean I saw them around when I was a kid, but I’ve grown up since then and they have not been any part of my life. I have no Ill will toward this and I’m the type of person who would be happy to see any family member I’m related to, but I really don’t see the need to invite them.
Is it faux pas to invite only some of my extended family and not all? What would y’all do?

26 Comments

Latest activity by Lauren, on September 12, 2021 at 10:15 PM
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    No you can invite who you want! If you don't have a relationship with some of these people, then simply don't invite them. It doesn't matter if they are family or not, it's not an obligation. If that was the case, then everyone would have massive weddings. Invite those who you and your fiance have a relationship with.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Only invite those you can’t imagine the day without whom you have a close relationship to at the current time. If anyone is on the guest list out of obligation to please someone who is not you or fiancé, scratch them from the list. It is ok to invite only one aunt/uncle if you are not close to the others.


    Some people are closer to to nearly all their extended family than their own parents/grandparents/siblings so every dynamic is different so do what works for you. If parents want to host them but you don’t have a close relationship, they can host a family reunion picnic at another time.
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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    You don’t think it’s rude to send certain people invites and not their siblings? I guess that’s where my hangup is. My Aunt thinks this is rude to do.
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  • AJ
    Super October 2022
    AJ ·
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    If you haven't heard from those people in the last 5 years leave them off

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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    It’s hard to distinguish between “I can’t imagine not inviting them” and “I can’t imagine them not being there” the guest list has been the biggest stress for me. I feel like it was so easy for my fiancé to make his list (they’re all coming in from out of state- and he doesn’t have much extended family) and I wish it was that easy for me! Both my dad and aunt feel like alllll these people need to be invited and I really don’t care if they actually come. I mean obviously I’d be thankful and happy but in the end, I'm not close to any of them. But Im the eldest girl so they feel like this is the event of a century for them all to be invited to. But my fiancé and I are paying for about 85% of the wedding. So. Much. Stress.
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  • Chloe
    Devoted February 2022
    Chloe ·
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    My FH is kind of in the same situation - his dad has five siblings, and they all had a bunch of kids each, so it's a bazillion of aunts, uncles, cousins AND their SOs he would have had to invite. Our venue has a 150 people limit and we agreed on a guest list of 120 max, and his family alone would have made out about 80, so it was pretty clear from the start that we would have to make some cuts. So we went by the iron rule of "if you have not spoken to them in the last two years, they do not get an invite". No care if they were siblings or not. They are all adults and can deal with not getting an invitation to our wedding, especially since our list was full of "???" because we weren't even sure what their names were, lol... We made some exceptions for two or three uncles that he would like to see again, but this way we managed to cut the list to under 40... By comparison, my family is only like 20 people and some may not be able to attend.
    It helped that we are paying for everything ourselves and that his dad was on board with it. If your aunt is pushing for the invites, talk to her - she would know best who to cut without hurting any feelings.
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  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    No I don't think its rude at all, & honestly I personally wouldn't expect to be invited to someone's wedding if I haven't talked to them in years - family or not.

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  • Maddie
    Expert February 2022
    Maddie ·
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    Girl, I feel your pain. Not for my family but my FH's. He comes from a large Mexican family who are all from a small town, and their weddings usually average between 400-600 people. I wanted a small wedding of about 60 of our immediate family members but he said it was either we elope with just our parents or he invites his whole family - so we settled on 200 (most of which is his family/friends). I personally don't care how people feel about me not inviting them if we don't have a relationship - odds are I will hardly ever see them. For example, I'm inviting my biological dad and his younger brother but not his oldest brother. I don't have a relationship with this uncle and have met him maybe 3 times my whole life. I don't have any qualms about inviting both his brothers and not him because we literally DON'T have a relationship.

    A possible compromise is that you only invite these aunts/uncles by themselves (along with their spouse if they have one) and none of their kids. My FH is having a hard time deciding if he wants some of his biological father's family there (there's bad blood with some of them) and I told him that if he GENUINELY wants some of them there, to just extend the invite to them and their wives and not their kids. Also if you want to roll the dice, 217 is NOT that far from 200, and not all your guests will be able to attend. You MAY end up with 200 the day of or even less.

    OR!! you can put your foot down since you're paying for most of it and invite who you want.

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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    That’s a good way to think about it too! Thank you!
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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    Thank you for this! I definitely don’t want to invite more than the max and we originally planned on only inviting 120 so it got way out of hand with all these extra extended family members I don’t know. I talked with my fiancé and he’s happier I want to cut more to make it cheaper for us! I just have to put my foot down and talk to my aunt and tell her what’s what.
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  • Jessyca
    Dedicated September 2021
    Jessyca ·
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    To be honest - if your maximum for your venue is 200 and you have 217 on the list I wouldn't worry. I can almost guarantee that at least 17 people will RSVP no to the wedding - maybe even some of those people that you have been thinking about skipping!

    For reference - we invited ~265 people and only 138 will be attending. There were "obligation" invites they we knew for a fact were going to RSVP no. I would take a second to go through the invite list and tally up the people you know for sure wont be able to come if you invite them - that might solve your problem right there!

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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    I’m just too anxious to invite more than the max! And plus the less people that come the less it will cost and I don’t want to risk more people saying yes than we anticipate!
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  • Jessyca
    Dedicated September 2021
    Jessyca ·
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    I really dont think you have anything to worry about with 17 over the limit but if you really cant bring yourself to invite over the limit, I would draw a hard line in the sand about which level of relation is invited or not.

    For me, my mom/ maternal grandmother were having a hard time about who gets to be invited to rehearsal dinner. I wanted the traditional people - bridal party and immediate family - while both my mom and grandmother wanted all of their siblings (and children) invited. After a lot of debate the line I had to draw was include my aunts, uncles, and cousins, but dis-include my great aunts & uncles and their children.

    Whatever line you choose, make it very clear and distinct and don't make exceptions - that's when people's feelings get hurt.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Your aunt has a point. For invitations, it's always best to invite in "circles" of closeness. For example inviting one person but not the sibling may lead to hurt feelings. However you are above your limit. It's not a good idea to over-invite hoping for declines, not at all. If she's paying for some of it, she gets a say in who is invited. Would it be worth it to decline her money and scale back the wedding to what you can afford on your own? Unfortunately money often comes with strings attached.

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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    That’s a good idea! I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have to take off people from my mom AND dad’s extended family sides so I feel like that works out well since they are all people that haven’t been in my life. And they each have a pretty even number of who’s being invited so it’s not uneven for either side
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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    I think if I explain to her in a way that because of numbers it would be impossible to invite all these people (not just because I don’t want to) it would make the conversation a little easier and not emotional.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Yes it might work to do that! Resist the impulse and the advice to over-invite because "not everyone will come".

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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    I agree! You never know what will happen! Maybe everyone will come! Maybe not. But I won’t risk it!
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    My guess is that's the reasoning your aunt will use.

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  • B
    Devoted August 2022
    Bride2Be ·
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    UPDATE: thank you all for your comments and advice! I called my aunt to talk about wedding stuff and brought up that we were over our numbers and I wasn’t comfortable with that and asked for her help with cutting a few to get the numbers down. It went WAY easier than I thought it would and she helped me narrow down which family members to cut and which ones to definitely include. I’ve cut my 17 over to only 10 over and now I just need to talk to my dad about his side, so I know I can get closer!
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