Invited to the shower but not the wedding

That is rude. Do not attend or give a gift or card. The only time this is is acceptable (to attend a shower without a wedding invitation) is when coworkers host a shower for the bride. The fact that the bride is the former boss’s daughter does not fit in that scenario.


Despite what many claim to the contrary, Covid does not trump existing etiquette. Many people don’t understand or care about etiquette because they feel it is outdated and doesn’t apply to them.

It is rude to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding itself. That being said, I would just leave it. Nothing good will really come of you bringing it up. Also, she may not have sent out invites yet, or maybe just did and you haven't gotten it yet. People send them out 6-8 weeks before the wedding, so she may have opted for the 6 week timeline.

If you know invitations have gone out and you’re not invited, there’s nothing much to do.
Yes, it was rude to invite you to the shower and not the wedding.
It’s possible the invite hasn’t made it’s way to you yet, though, mail is pretty slow.

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I agree with Michelle on this one!

Simple question. ignoring proper etiquette just answer for yourself on human emotion and your relationship with this person: Assuming there is no other option for the bride but to limit the ceremony and reception.

Would you rather not be invited to anything since you can not be invited to the wedding or would you rather be included in at least one of the other festivities, showers, bachelorette ect so that you are at least a small part of the experience?

You said she is a close friend so have you spoken with her? Maybe say something that let's her know you haven't seen an invitation. Like what design or color did you go with? Ect


Secondly, this isn't directed specifically to you but I keep seeing similar posts so am addressing my perspective. people keep saying etiquete etiquette etuqutte and that people are being RUDE and that covid doesn't Trump etiquette and I am going to tell you then THEY don't live in my world were Covid does affect everything. Every decision, every aspect. In My covid world friends and family are sacred.. getting married should be this wonderful sacred experience that I can choose to celebrate with those who love me and those I love and extend to those I have lesser relationships to if venues and money aren't an issue.. But if capacity in any of my setting is an issue wether because of regulations, my own health or financial restrictions I have to reevaluate and for me what is important is letting people know I value them enough to want to share atleast some of this experience with them even if it's only a small part of it. if I could only have a limited number of people at my ceremony or reception I would want to involve others by inviting them to a shower or brunch, NOT for gifts but so that they know they are valued and important to me (just not limited ceremony only important) to me i would be honoring our friendship by inviting you but according to the etiquette policy this would be VERY BAD. But be honest would you feel worse if you had been invited to nothing? Wouldn't you be even more offended if you heard about the shower? It's about perspective I view everything about community, celebration and love most of the people quoting etiquette violations and rudeness usually always mention the gift and that you deserve something for either giving a gift or for coming to the wedding. Once again perspective. My perspective is that wether you go to a wedding or shower or not if you are close enough to be invited you are usually going to give a gift wether you go or not so the gift is not an issue and I don't feel I deserve anything for giving a gift. I keep reading people say they deserve to go to this or that they expect this or that. Gifting is supposed to be because you love the couple and are wanting to help them start their life together no strings attached you should expect nothing in return. Being asked to share in any wedding events is an honor in my opinion. I just feel like people keep forgetting about one of the strongest tenets of etiquette which is having GRACE and if you have grace you look at all situations and you realize that although covid/money/life may not be affecting how you plan your wedding it may be heavily affecting the decisions others make on theirs and that those etiquette rules were made up a millennium ago by elite society snobs wanting to keep separation between classes and may no longer fit the world we live in. I am not saying don't be kind and have commonsense I am saying instead of Assuming someone is being rude in their decision to only invite you to a shower, ceremony, or reception use grace and instead assume that they want you to know how valuable you are to them and feel HONORED that you were included in any event.

I would say maybe it's possible the invite hasn't gotten to you yet but that would be super irresponsible planning.

If the shower hasn't happened yet, don't go. They want your gift there, not you.

Also, like Michelle said, 'Oh we wanted to still celebrate with people close to us, but cuz Covid we can't have everyone at the wedding' is not acceptable. I'm close enough that you expect me to give you a gift to congratulate you, but not close enough to actually get to see it happen? That's not how it works.

Even the obligatory 'oh there's a live feed!' is not okay. Don't fall for this blatant gift grab.

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I literally cannot wrap my head around your thought process.

No. It's not an honor to be invited to any pre-wedding event but not get invited to the wedding itself.

I understand wanting to share the love and celebrate with everyone, I really do. In that case take them to dinner or something, make a special night out.

It is still the height of rudeness to invite me specifically to a wedding event and then not invite me to the actual wedding whether we're in the midst of a global pandemic or not.

Every wedding related event has some social expectation of giving a gift. Bridal showers a physical gift, bach parties usually involve a gift/covering the bride's cost. There's no invite to a pre-wedding event that doesn't come with some gift giving strings attached which is why it is so rude to invite someone to that without inviting them to the wedding.

It's rude. Covid or not. There's not a single pre-wedding event (except maybe and engagement party) that doesn't have any strings or social obligations for a gift. Bridal Shower (physical gift), Bach parties (monetary gift in some form of paying for a bride AND the expense of travel, lodging, multiple days off), the wedding itself (usually a monetary gift, lodging, and travel).

If you want to take it upon yourself and get them a gift anyway and wish them well, then go for it. The only thing I would be weary of is invitations do get lost in the mail (I know my rsvps have been lost before). If you are close enough to the bride, I would check in (see if there are online rsvps) or something along the lines of "I'm excited I was invited to your bridal shower, have you sent out invitations to the wedding"

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So you clearly fall within the would have rather NOT have been invited at all. It's just a difference of perspective. It's ok I obviously struggle to wrap my head around your thought process as well but that's what makes the ability to discuss it great. Thanks for your reply!

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All this. Nothing to add. Don't go, don't send a gift.

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I wish we had a Like button!

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One word: no.

It is very rude to invite someone only to a shower. It is not an honor in the mind of any person raised in a standard social upbringing.

The reason it is rude to only invite someone to a shower is because the sole purpose of a shower is to give the bride gifts. It doesn't matter that you personally think a shower isn't about gifts - it literally is. It is for "showering" the bride with gifts. That is both the direct implication and the societal expectation of a shower.

You can stomp your feet and post a thousand-word essay all you want, but inviting someone to only the shower does not say, "I love you and want you to celebrate with me." It says, "you are not worthy of witnessing my marriage, but buy me something anyway."

If you want people who can't attend the wedding to celebrate with you, then you have a brunch or another party where gift-giving is not explicitly implied and expected.