Inviting people you've never met?

Yikes!

You do have to keep in mind that your fiancé may have family he really wants there, even if you haven't met them. But that's a list that you and your fiancé come up with, just the two of you. If your families were to be helping, I would say you have to give a little - emphasis on the 'little' because it is yours and your fiancé's wedding day, no one else's.

This is an issue you have to have support from your fiancé on. You have to be on the same page with the guests list and he should stand his ground to his parents if they try to overstep.

Even though you have never met them, does he want these family members there? I had several relatives who live out of state who I wanted at the wedding, but my husband hasn't met or only met once because they live far away. This wedding is for the both of you. And guest lists are not always a 50/50 split. When you marry someone, the families are joining as one. People are there to see a union between two people. Now, if he doesn't want these people at his wedding, that is a whole other story, and he needs to have a conversation with his parents.

We went through something similar. My wife's family is insanely huge, while mine is quite small. We decided we only wanted 100 guests at our wedding. To make it fair, we each were able to invite 50 people. That cut off some of my MIL's friends from 10 years ago that she doesn't speak with on a normal basis, and I was completely okay with that.

If you and your fiancé are paying for the wedding yourselves, it is up to you two who is invited. Your FMIL literally gets no say! You and your fiancé need to sit down and discuss this. Come up with a guest list cap and go from there.

Are these people on your FH's list or his parents' list? If FH then I think you'll need to compromise, as it's also his wedding. If these people mean something to him, it doesn't really matter if you've met them or not. But if these are people you FH doesn't really care about and his parents are nagging you to invite, that's a different story. Your FH should put his foot down to his parents and maybe allow them to have a few invites but not control your guest list.

I absolutely agree that a wedding isn't a family reunion and shouldn't be treated as such. However even with you never meeting some of these people doesn't make it ok for you to cut them from the list. Since it's your fiancés family he needs to decide who he really wants there and he needs to make the cuts. And since it your guys wedding and you guys are paying for it all this is something just the two of you need to sit down and talk about and decide on.

If neither of you know them, because a parent put them on the list, you could limit them to like 4. If FI knows them, AND has seen them within 3-4 years, you really cannot take them off the list it he wants them. This is a tough year. But there is a full year before your weffing. And starting this summer, you can make it your mission to get to know these people, who are important to your FI. Invite them, to a cookout, or a dinner at your home. plan a trip to their area for a weekend, and either do something touristy or at least go to dinner with them. People FI has not seen and talked to, not just both present at someone's wedding or funeral, but they actually wanted to see each other enough to take the trouble, are the next group. Which has he sought him out, or they planned with him? If he wants them they are in. Any he has not seen in that time, does he want to see them regularly after the wedding?. If not, wait till a family reunion don't invite them for the first time in 3 years, to your wedding.

I couldn't do it. I would stand my ground or ask his family to contribute to wedding funds if they want their extended family there so badly. I didn't even want to invite our siblings' significan others of the month. Lol.

I'm on your side.

If you and your FH are paying for the wedding, you choose who you invite. Family gets no say. FMIL does not get to be upset that you didn't invite distant Aunt Tina and her seven step-children. If its so important to his parents that the entire extended family is invited, they get to foot that bill.

I'd say it is ideal for the guest list to be pretty evenly matched between "your" guests and "his" guests but not entirely necessary. If the sides were uneven and he had more but it didn't bother you that's one thing, but if you feel that its unfair that you are spending a ton to include people you don't know and who don't have any meaning to you, that's a different story.

The people invited to your wedding should be people significant to you and/or your partner. If your FH wanted to invite someone who was really important to him and you never met them (like his best friend/roommate from college that he did a road trip across the country with and who now teaches English in Japan), I would say that's totally fine and also a great opportunity to meet finally get to meet that someone so near and dear to your partner. But if he's including people because he's "supposed to" and these family members are not people with whom he has a particularly strong relationship then inviting them is just an unnecessary expense and those people are unlikely to contribute meaningful memories to your wedding.

You need to really sit down with your husband-to-be and discuss this and how you feel. Perhaps it means opting for a smaller and more intimate wedding, perhaps it means him sticking up to his parents, and perhaps it means a compromise somewhere in the middle. You should not be playing "meet the relative" for your entire wedding, and you should feel free to enjoy the day with your loved ones and those who mean the most to you. Good luck!

Do not let anyone bully you. If in laws don't like your guest choice, they are free to stay home. That comment is cruel and earn them being cut off entirely if it were me.

Sit down with fiance and have a serious talk with him. Do not ever give into pressure from anyone, it's called bullying. Go down the list and ask if each person is a bestest friend type or it only to make parents happy? Set boundaries and be on the same page maintaining them. The first time you give in, they will only get worse.

How dependent is he on pleasing these bullying parents vs being your support?

These conversions/negotiations/compromises should be happening between you and your future spouse. His parents don't get any input. What matters is your budget and what you both want. So, what does your FS want? If he wants these family members there and you two can afford to host them, then it literally does not matter if the guest list is "lopsided" or that you haven't met them yet.

If your FS doesn't want these extended family members there either (and/or your budget cannot accommodate those numbers), then your answer is easy: they are not invited and it's on your FS to tell his parents.

As for, "I've been doing all of the planning thus far and I feel like I'm planning someone else's wedding," that really comes down to communication and collaboration with your FS. It takes two to get married and it should take two to plan a wedding. Don't go any further with planning until you two are on the same page and are both contributing in ways that feel equitable.

I'm in a similar boat, but I have the big family and my FH has a smaller one.

I invited in circles. Started with parents and siblings, then added grandparents, then aunts/uncles. With just that and maybe 4 friends my list was right about 60 people. I have cousins who I love and would love to invite, because I've been involved in all of their weddings too, but because I genuinely love them. I'm having to make a difficult choice of cutting them to not completely overwhelm the list since FH has such a small family number.

Ultimately, I highly recommend the circle method, especially with your FH's family. Don't consider extended family/cousins/etc as family. Consider them as friends, so if it's someone your FH really wants to come, they bypass the basic circles and get an invite. That way you're not obligated to invite every cousin just because he's really close to one or two of them.

You have to talk to your FH though and see who's an obligated invite, and who is someone he actually wants.

My fiance and I made a rule when making the guest list and that was that nobody that we haven't seen or talked to in a year or more was getting an invite.

If you’re paying for your own wedding, then invite who you’d like to be there. Couples make this huge (mature) decision to get married, yet they cannot make their own mature decisions regarding the wedding. I don’t understand that. The wedding is the first of many future decisions that you and your FH will have to make together (without parents being involved). So start now by thanking his parents for their input and explaining that you two are going to decide on the guest list as a couple.

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Agree 100%

Why are you doing all of the planning? That's not ok. Talk to your FH about how you're feeling about this. Distinguish between guests he wants vs ones that his parents want.

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This. I would tell them you'll gladly invite these family members, but anyone that you both don't necessarily "need" there will have to be on their dime because it's them that wants the extended family there. While it doesn't need to be completely even, you should feel comfortable at your own wedding and you shouldn't be stressing out about money for people who neither you nor your fiance care to have there.

If they are not helping pay, then they get no say

Wedding quickly add up and every guest you add to our count adds dollars to your bill. You should feel comfortable with who is there and it should be people who mean something to the both of you.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this advice. It’s no ones fault for having a large or small family. And I couldn’t imagine, for example, telling any one of our parents to pick which of their siblings would be invited and which wouldn’t.


And to the other points, it is the bride & groom’s day, but also a joining of families. Now that people are more likely to move around, it’s not as unusual to not have met the full family if both parts of the couple didn’t grow up in the same place. 😊

Your money, your guest list. Your family doesn’t get to decide who is invited. As for the guest list, we picked our count and cut it in half for invites (50 each). To us that was the fair way to handle it. I can feel the frustration that he has so many more guests than you (it would bug me too!). I’d see if you can meet in the middle. My husband has a lot of family and I don’t, so his list is mostly family but mine is mostly friends. Both of us have not met quite a few of them on the others’ side. At first I was like, really..., BUT he wants them there, and same can be said for mine. But remind your family that it’s your day, your money, and you alone decide who is invited.

I dealt with something very similar. My FH's family's list was MASSIVE. When I asked for their side, I expected 35 or so, for our 125 person wedding. What I got from my FMIL was a 90 person list, with half the people being someone my FH hadn't seen in years and couldn't even remember who they were. We went through the list and cut it in half, basing it on people that my FH actually wanted there, as opposed to who my FMIL wanted there. They unfortunately have a different view of weddings, as "reunions", whereas I see them as a day to celebrate us. Why have someone there that truthfully doesn't care about our marriage? I think you're very reasonable to cut out some of the list if you feel appropriate.