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Just Said Yes October 2021

Inviting toxic mother?

Brinnie, on July 16, 2019 at 10:47 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16

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*TW abuse of all forms, miscarriage, self harm/suicide*

So since my teenage years, I haven't had a good relationship with my mother, to the point of refering to her has my bio-mom, and calling my step mom Momma (she's known me since she was 5). After intense family tragedy when I was 10, my bio mom flipped a switch and turned extremely volatile and emotionally abusive. Then, when I was 16, it turned physical. Slapping, punching, and at one point slamming my head into the tile bathroom floor after I told her I wanted to see a therapist for self harm tendencies. When I was 17, I told her I wanted to remove my BC; she said no. When I told her it was my body, my decision, she came at me and started punching my face. I called my dad (parents never dated after I was born) to come get me but my bio mom wouldn't allow him to and I couldn't communicate in time to him that she was being physical. It kept escalating to head slamming and choking me. I went to school the next day with bruises on my throat, a split lip and a black eye. After that I moved out and limited all interaction to only seeing my sister, her other daughter. After that, we rarely spoke, till last year. Last year, she had a miscarriage and tried to kill herself. I had to have the police commit her. When she got out, she told me she wished she had never had me. Now, she pretends like none of that ever happened.
Flash forward to now; my 14year old sister, her other daughter, is begging me to have her at my wedding. My sister is a JRBM, if that matters. When I told her our mom wasn't on the guest list she broke out in tears and said "all I want is for you and Mommy to be happy again".
I'm so torn. She HATES my fiance, primarily because he sees through her 'im a great mom* persona, and constantly encourages me to cut contact since he sees how much our mother/daughter relationship kills me. He's also extremely close with my sister and they see each like siblings and have for years. I don't want to upset my sister, but I also know I should put myself and my fiance first since it's our day. I'm just really not sure what to do.

TLDR: my mom is a huge abusive piece of work, but my kid sister is begging me to invite her so we can be one happy family for a day.

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Mcskipper, on July 17, 2019 at 4:30 PM

Legend June 2019
Melle · on July 16, 2019 at 10:52 PM
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I think one day your sister will understand that you can't just fake your happiness, you want to genuinely be around those who support you on one of the biggest days of your life.
I see where she's coming from and at some point it would be nice to repair and move forward but it doesn't necessarily need to start on your wedding day.
I'd want you to feel stress free and it seems with your bio mom there, it'd just add to your worries.
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Devoted October 2019
Melodie · on July 16, 2019 at 10:57 PM
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Wow that’s really complicated. My gut reaction is to say don’t invite your mom. It might be hard for your sister to understand, but that’s okay.

I am wondering, do you have any reason to think that your mom would take it out on your sister? Do you think that’s why your sister is begging you to invite her? If that’s the case, I’m not suggesting that you cave and invite her, but I’m concerned that your sister could be at risk for abuse. I don’t mean to jump to conclusions, just basing that off of what you’ve told us about your childhood.
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Super August 2019
Btbride · on July 16, 2019 at 11:03 PM
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Uh, I’m sorry, your sister is a child who clearly doesn’t understand your history with your mom, or if she does, she’s too young to understand that someone like that shouldn’t get a second chance, ever. Your sister will get over it, and when she’s older she’ll understand. Do not invite someone who abused you so horribly to be a part of your wedding or your life.
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Brinnie · on July 16, 2019 at 11:09 PM
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She has never shown any sign of ever hurting her. It's weird. I was always the emotional and physical punching bag, not my sister. Even other family and friends would mention it her that she treated me poorly but she never acknowledged it. My sisters dad isn't the greatest, so I guess my bio-mom makes up for it in her eyes? I mean, my sister is 14 and still calls her Mommy. They're best friends. If I had any feeling of abuse I would do so immediately (thank you for the concern either way, it's very sweet ❤️)
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Brinnie · on July 16, 2019 at 11:12 PM
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She understands it in the sense that she knows it happened. She witnessed a good portion of it and would try to stop it, but she was a kid. Part of me thinks she may have suppressed it as well, since she was only about 8-10 years old.
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Devoted October 2019
Melodie · on July 16, 2019 at 11:17 PM
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That’s so interesting. No doubt that you’d step in to that situation if you had to, and I’m glad that you don’t have to.
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Super August 2019
Btbride · on July 16, 2019 at 11:19 PM
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All that makes sense. I’m not trying to say in any way at all that she’s wrong for wanting you guys to reconcile! But she is just too immature to understand that abuse is a relationship ender no matter who the person is. Don’t let what she wants overshadow what will make you happy and comfortable, because you’re the adult and it’s your wedding. Good luck!
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VIP May 2020
Destiny · on July 17, 2019 at 12:45 AM
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Im sorry but no i wouldnt invite her. My mom was never physical but everything else yes has happened. Tbh i dont want to invite my mother but ik if i dont none of my family will show. Its just the way it is but sounds like thats not the case for you. Tell your sister you can all be family at her wedding and maybe do a brunch with ur fh lil sis and bio mom to "celebrate/be happy family" after the wedding or the week before?
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Devoted August 2020
Monique · on July 17, 2019 at 2:57 AM
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I agree with having your family together during a different outing. I know where you’re coming from, my mother and I don’t get along and my sister is 11 and still living with her so she sees that we aren’t close. But I think doing something all together on a different day, even though it would be hard, would be better than nothing. Also, your sister will understand when she’s older
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Dedicated June 2020
Margaret · on July 17, 2019 at 7:42 AM
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Do not invite this woman to your wedding.
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Beginner December 2019
· on July 17, 2019 at 7:48 AM
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She’s will eventually understand but this is your day a wedding is not a day for that. You will be stressed enough last thing you need is to add to it with that. I’m in a summer situation with my father though and my 16 yr old brother is caught in the middle. I’m not inviting my BIoFather. I don’t want the drama or stress it brings.
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on July 17, 2019 at 9:58 AM
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I’m so sorry that you have had to go through this. I agree with the others in that you should not invite her. I would calmly explain to your sister your reasoning, and that unfortunately you may never be that “one big happy family” situation she dreams of. She may not understand now, but she will understand in the long run.
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Expert October 2019
Heather · on July 17, 2019 at 10:22 AM
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I agree with your gut reaction to not invite her. There’s no reason to have toxic people around. I didn’t invite my aunt, uncle and their grown kids to my wedding. And they let me know what they really felt about me (not that it was a secret to me, they’ve always been rude). It’s your day and you don’t want to have to worry about what she’s going to do.
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Super October 2019
Jenna · on July 17, 2019 at 3:10 PM
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I would 100% not invite her. Your sister may be disappointed but I hope that when she's older she can look back and understand why you couldn't have her there.
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Super July 2019
MD · on July 17, 2019 at 4:10 PM
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I can't even begin to imagine what your life with your bio-mom has been like, but as an outsider reading this, it seems as if you have plenty of reasons to not invite her to your day. Like PPs have said, I'm sure your sister will understand when she is older. She is only 14, so there's no way she knows what would be better.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on July 17, 2019 at 4:30 PM
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No way I would invite this woman to my wedding. What your sister wants simply is not possible and is not your fault. It’s clear that she doesn’t understand the complexities of it, but, it doesn’t really affect her. This is YOUR wedding. When it’s your sister’s wedding and she wants you both in the same room, she has a case for this plea. Not now.
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Inviting toxic mother?

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