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Just Said Yes October 2021

Is a lap dance at the bachelor party cheating?

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Megan, on September 2, 2021 at 5:13 PM

I recently told my fiancé that I plan to check out a strip club before we get married, just for kicks and giggles. He wasn't too happy. But i told him he could check one out too. So his friends were excited that they could take him to one. I told him, just look, don't touch. So when I see him on Sunday, he tells me they ended up going the night before. I was cool with it, obviously, since I already planned to go one. We both are religious and have stayed away from that scene, but I figured no harm in just checking one out now. Anyways, I'm cool with it. And then I ask if he got a lap dance. He can hardly look at me and says yes. I'm horrified, jealous, hurt, furious. Lots of emotions are coursing through me. I told him that was deliberately going against my boundaries. He said by that point, he was kind of drunk and wasn't thinking that it wasn't against my boundaries. His friends took him, and he was curious. They bought him one lap dance. I still feel crushed. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I will not stay in relationship where I have been cheated on. I can't decide if it was cheating or not so I wanted to ask others thoughts. .I mean this man is great. He has been there for me through my anxiety attacks, calling him at 3 am when I have anxiety and when he has to get up early. He has come over to my house at 2 am when I was still kind of with my ex, again when he had to be up early for work the next day. He has treated me wonderfully, is always honest and loves me with all of his heart. I don't want to give up this man, but I also don't want to stay with a man who was unfaithful. ..he feels horrible. He brought me flowers, chocolate, and Starbucks the other day as an apology. He also said he will go and talk about this with me at my next therapist appointment. I guess I just want to be told that I would be crazy to leave this man who I'm supposed to marry next month. But I'm afraid the response will be to leave him since a topless woman did a dance and gave him a few seconds lap dance.

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30 Comments

Expert August 2021
Katie · on September 3, 2021 at 7:50 AM
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I agree with this you can't say he went against boundaries if you never set them. He isn't a mind reader. It doesn't sound to me like he really did anything wrong but that's just me. I think like others have said maybe you should go to a counselor to work through the past hurt feelings of being cheated on. Trust me those feelings are definitely not something you want to bring into this relationship.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on September 3, 2021 at 7:52 AM
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I also wouldn't consider lap dancing cheating. lap dances aren't what you'd expect at least not where I live. I've been to strip clubs and seen lap dances being done and was actually quite shocked by the fact that they don't really grind on the person. Most of the strip clubs in my area the strippers aren't allowed to touch the customers.
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Super May 2022
Samantha · on September 3, 2021 at 8:55 AM
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While gross and mildy innappropriate, not necessarily cheating. I told my FH to not do anything he wouldn't want me doing, and then I don't ask for details lol. I'm a jealous person too, so I get its tough to get past, but try to. He sounds like a good guy.
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on September 3, 2021 at 9:04 AM
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But...it's not. Pretty sure customers are never allowed to touch a dancer, even during a lap dance. Did you ask him if he touched her, or just assumed?
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on September 3, 2021 at 9:08 AM
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Oh I got it. Whew.
Like everyone else, I don’t see a lap dance as cheating and you did encourage him going to a strip club without boundaries. I would totally let it go and not make him feel guilty because that’s not fair to him. But if it bothers you, you may want to talk to a therapist.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on September 3, 2021 at 11:05 AM
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No it is not cheating or unfaithful. It is important that discussed boundaries be respected, but still I don’t see this as a blatant violation. You can receive a lap dance without actively “touching” — this may be in the eye of the beholder but for the most part a lap dance happens TO a person whether you’re willing or not and you don’t participate back (that would be a no-no!). And they’re weird and awkward. They certainly don’t automatically call into question faithfulness. Most of the time it’s more uncomfortable and silly than anything, and that sounds like what it was with the boys.

It does seem pretty rough to have encouraged him to go and then be mad at him for going. That he didn’t want to til you encouraged him to do so actually highlights his devotion and faithfulness to you.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on September 3, 2021 at 11:07 AM
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Eh.
I'll level with you here: I am opposed to strip clubs. I am a jealous person.
But I think you need to set this one aside.
You gave him permission to go, and "don't touch" is a pretty loose boundary. "Don't touch" could definitely be interpreted as, "don't actively reach out and rub your hands on." I could see how someone might not consider a dancer wiggling her butt over their lap "touching."
He's willing to go to therapy and work it out with you, so I'll say what you want to be told: you would be crazy to leave this man who you're supposed to marry next month over a few seconds of what was probably not at all what you're imagining anyway.
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Just Said Yes July 2004
Kim · on September 11, 2021 at 12:14 AM
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I agree. Don’t open doors in your relationship you don’t want to open and can not close.

If you suggested it and told him he could. He does not wish to but does it. How can you create a issue with it after the fact.? You were going to look? I have been to one with the girls years ago. Guy sat on my lap stuck his tongue down my throat… I did not ask him or motion for him to do that… would you have sat there not participating? You go have a good time. Act silly and do silly things one night it’s not a big deal. It’s nothing to break up with him over. He sounds like a nice guy. He sounds like he was very caring and loving to you this far… don’t pound him down now. It’s silly. He came home to you. That is really all that matters.
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Dedicated October 2021
Amanda · on September 11, 2021 at 6:48 PM
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As someone mentioned previously, the recipient of the dance is not even allowed to touch the dancer. You can get thrown out for that. Your FH didn’t touch her since it’s against the rules, and the dancer was just doing her job and I’m sure has little actual interest in your FH, as long as she’s getting paid, she does what she has to do. Agreed with others where you kind of set him up for this and there should’ve been clearer communication/boundaries from the get go. Definitely would not consider this cheating but would definitely advise you both to work on your communication skills before getting married. I’m a reformed “jealous person” if you will and have actually been to strip clubs with my FH and friends and had a great time. He’s received dances and so have I. Just communicate and know that you’re always going home with each other and the dancer is just doing their job.
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Savvy November 2021
Amanda · on September 11, 2021 at 9:53 PM
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It's not cheating, to me anyway. I've been to a strip club before and a guy who was with our group paid for a lap dance for me. There's only so much you're allowed to touch too (you can't touch the boobies or the vajayjay, or at least it was like that where I went) and this wasn't in any VIP section, just out where everyone else was.
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