Hello!
I got engaged in February of 2020, just before everything shut down. It was lovely and amazing and I wanted to jump right into planning.
Then COVID hit- I'm sure many of you can relate. Now, working for a major medical group and being Immunocompromised, I absolutely understood the need for caution. I do not want to make light of what so many, including myself, have lost during this pandemic.
Now I'm trying to jump back into planning. I am utterly overwhelmed. I just got through buying my fiance and I's first home, and I had given myself a break to try to reset before going into another big project. I am sending out emails, scheduling tours, and having horrific anxiety about doing so. I want to be married. I love my fiance. I want a wedding.
I was never the little girl that pictured my wedding day, though. Most of my life I thought I would simply never be married and was content with that. However, now that it's in front of me I'm learning how much so many little things actually DO matter to me. I'm surprised with myself and kind of embarassed. In the end, all that should matter is that I am married to my fiance, right? I feel selfish.
I've considered having it in the back yard. However, I'm chronically ill. Set up and break down has the potential to literally render me immobile the rest of the day. I've considered just going to the courthouse, but in the end... I do want a wedding. There was a point in my life I wasn't sure I'd live to see a wedding day/adulthood (abusive household growing up, won't go into details), and I really want to celebrate this milestone I genuinely thought I'd never see.
And I feel selfish for it. For wanting to put money toward what is, ultimately, a big party that could go toward more practical things.
My fiance is being wonderful and patient, and hasn't put me down with any of this at all. I want to make that clear. This is an internal issue, and not something he is guilting me over.
Anyone else in similar shoes? I so badly want to enjoy this process.