Is it wrong to ….

You should be getting what you want and need in your relationship! It sounds like you have directly asked, maybe time for a more detailed sit down. “It makes me feel not special when you don’t plan dates or do romantic gestures. I would love for you to plan a date night for next Saturday. It means a lot to me.” If he still doesn’t follow through, I would seek counseling to have a third party help with this.

There's nothing wrong with wanting romantoc gestures, but there is something wrong with trying to to force someone to be something they're not. Has he always had a different love language than you? If so, then I don't think it's really fair to expect anything else. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a lot to ask for him to plan a date every now and then. But trying to change people will only lead to disappointment.

I don’t think you are in the wrong by any means for “not wanting to ‘get over it’” but I think you need to be more considerate of the fact that you are expecting your partner to be someone he is not.

From what you have described, his way of showing love and affection (his ‘love language’) does not align with your expectations. You want him to buy you gifts and plan dates and surprises but that is something that you yourself acknowledge is something he doesn’t do. You showing or telling him what you want is helpful but you need to be realistic that no matter how much you do these things, it doesn’t mean he is going to transform into the helpless romantic you fantasize about, but that doesn’t mean he loves you any less – he just doesn’t show it in the way you want him to.

I think your feelings are 100% valid and if you do need reassurance from him that is totally ok, but, you need to be realistic with what you expect of him. Despite giving him a “safe space” to change (as you have described), in practice you are asking a leopard to change his spots

Oh my goodness!!! I thought it was just me. My Fiance is NOT romantic at all and I a hopless romantic. But for him he shows me no effection and it leaves me sad and in my feelings. And he just doesn't GET IT. I know what you mean, is how my life will be for the rest of my life. Because I don't know.
His excuse is that he's just not that guy. But I feel when you love someone you will come out of your comfort zone to please your mate. I guess I was wrong. I pray that one day he changes.

View Quoted Comment Reading this reply and the original post gave me sad deja vu flashbacks. You both described my ex-husband and our marriage… affection-less and no romance . I wouldn’t describe myself as a hopeless romantic. But I do enjoy mutual affection and intimate connections with my significant other, shown in a variety of ways… and especially with my husband. But, unfortunately that wasn’t the relationship I had with my ex-husband. He had no ability to show affection. It was wild! But, unlike you 2, my ex-husband faked being a more affectionate person in the early years of dating and for about 2 years of our marriage. But like anything that’s unnatural, he couldn’t keep it up. After I filed for divorce, we had some deeper conversations about it and he admit that being affectionate isn’t his style and he wasn’t comfortable with it. He wasn’t raised in a home that openly expressed affection physically (hugs) or verbally (“I love you”). My ex-husband told me that he pretended to be affectionate in the beginning years because that’s what how he thought he was supposed to be. But as I said above… it wasn’t natural or authentic. So he couldn’t keep up the act.


We were married for 7 years and the last 5 were filled with zero affection or romance. I used to say that it felt like a cool brother-sister relationship most times… and that’s horrible when we’re husband and wife. Sure, I wanted the friendship with my ex-husband. But, a friendship alone isn’t a marriage. He and I got along great (in a “friends” way). But some huge important pieces were really missing…. Intimacy, quality communication, romance, affection. Those are HUGE!!! You can love one another to death. But when those aspects arr missing (or imbalanced between you), it isn’t good and takes a toll.
I was just like you and the original poster. I finally convinced myself that this is what I’d have to deal with and the married life that I’d just have to get used to. But it sucked because I KNEW that I shouldn’t have to convince myself of something like that. And i also knew that I truly didn’t want to live like that. So, I made the commitment to myself to work on those areas of the relationship and exhaust all efforts needed to fix things. In doing so, I hoped that SOMETHING would work. I also told myself that I couldn’t think about divorce without us trying everything first.
The hard part was that my ex-husband couldn’t see it. WELL, that’s what he used to say… until he admit it while going through divorce. But clearly it was too late by then and too many years had gone by. I’m not at all saying to divorce your husbands. But I am saying to take some time to really decide what you want in your marriage and try to achieve it (they don’t say that marriage is “work” for nothing). So BOTH of you must try all means to make it work for one another. If it’s successful…. That’s excellent! But if it’s not, think about your future and how you deserve to live your years in a mutually fulfilled marriage.
At year 6, the various attempts hadn’t worked for us and nothing lasted. I remember I reached that point of having a talk with myself. I sat on our stairs and asked myself, “If nothing changes, can you live like this for another 6 years?” Well the answer is obvious 😆 because I’m on this app planning my 2nd marriage (8 years after I filed for divorce from my ex). I don’t hate my ex-husband and 85% of our divorce process was amicable. Honestly, we just weren’t a good match for marriage and both of us knew it.
It was hard and I was embarrassed at first. Especially because many people feel like an unhappy or “bad” marriage (or reason for divorce) must involve abuse or drugs or cheating. Otherwise, it’s not a valid reason. We’re told “it’s not that bad, at least he’s not cheating” or “it’ll be ok”. But it’s not ok and not easy. I reached a point where I could no longer make my internal feelings of being “unfulfilled” “sad” and “unhappy” an acceptable norm for myself and for my marriage.
Anyway, this reply is long (huge apologies).. But the post hit home for me and honestly made me feel so happy and thankful for my FH. He’s a perfect balance of affection, love, support, prayerfulness, hardworking, responsible, motivating, fun, etc. Basically, my definition on a man. But more than that, we’re a good marital match for one another and provide mutual fulfillment. Now that I’m on my second marriage, I jokingly say “I feel like I have the marriage cheat sheet now”.
But, you don’t need a second marriage to find a successful one. You can possibly turn your current one around. I wish you and the original poster success in your marriage and pray that your needs for affection and romance are fulfilled. I also suggest reading up on The 5 Love Languages, as that might provide some insight and tips.
Best wishes!

You’re not in the wrong, but have you ever sat him down and explained to him exactly what would be romantic to you. Not just sending him ideas, but actually saying “I want more romance, and it’s romantic to me when you do x,y,z.” When we were first dating, my husband would plan dates and buy me flowers and while those are nice gestures, they weren’t “romantic” to me. We read 5 love languages before we moved in together and turns out my love language is words of affirmation so the romantic things for me are little notes on the counter and a letter, instead of a gift, for Valentine’s Day or our anniversary. For him, it’s acts of service so if I cook his favorite meal or get the house all cleaned up without his help, things like that.


Communication is key because you two may just see romance in different lights.

The five love languages does really help you. With my husband, we have the same language; physical touch and quality time. Even now we are in couples therapy to work on our communication because it isn't the greatest. For me I'm very direct, ill tell you what I want and what I need; where he rather me be more perceptive. So I would see if you can sit down and have a heart to heart and explain that this really bothers you and if it doesn't help I'd def seek couples therapy, it has been helping us slowly. because it would be difficult for me to be with my husband if he isn't giving me what I need- which would be my love language- physical touch and quality time.

What sexypoodle said and the other poster explained...a leopard does not change its spots. Overall I hope you work thru this one way or the other. As yourself, is this what I want forever. As sexypoodle mentioned, she set on the stairs and self talked, that means step back to get a better view without the rose-colored glasses and ask yourself those hard questions...be true to yourself. Water and oil are two liquids, but they don't mix together regardless...one sinks and one rises. Take inventory of your relationship, make a cheat sheet of of what you want and what is a no-go, in fact both of you should do it. Oh and by all means read the book on the 5 love languages. Final note, if you go into a relationship rather it be gf/bf or marriage and it resembles bondage, the bondage becomes your foundation and that my friend is mostly always one-sided.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, same ! I think just being realistic with what we expect but also, it takes them kind of meeting us in the middle. So hopefully I can get that across to him, I want to maybe bring it up one last time.

View Quoted Comment Though lengthy, it was worth the read. Thank you for the details. I’m definitely going to take this into consideration. Literally EVERYYYYYY sight says get over it, can’t change a person. But I see it as, I’m not changing someone I’m asking them to meet me in the middle as I do him! Be blessed !

View Quoted Comment We’ve actually read the book not long ago which is funny lol. My love language is actually acts of service and his is quality time. I definitely make an effort to make sure I’m feed into it. But I think you’re right, I may need to be a little more clear with what is romance TO ME (not yelling just emphasis lol)

Ooookay, first of all, you are never wrong for having needs and wanting them met. Full stop. That’s not wrong, that’s human.
Second of all, these articles sound like some BS to me. I’m not a fan of the idea of the solution to “I have a problem” being “get over it”


This is in big part a communication issue. While it may be true you can’t change the fundamental character of a person, habits can be changed and habits should be changed. Humans are not rocks, we are evolving beings and a good bit of that is relationship development. Relationships are give and take and both people do likely need to change a bit to create a shared reality. Is he going to turn into a romantic ever? No. But can he learn habits and actions to help his partner and build the relationship ? Absolutely . If this wasn’t possible, I don’t know how or why any of us would ever marry. (This is true of all relationships. Think about getting a review at work. If your boss says you need to do more X and less Y, generally, you try to figure out how the heck to do so. This really isn’t different)
But, our partners are not mind readers , and our partners are fully formed adults who tend to be set in their ways , which starts us at a disadvantage. And many of us have had previous partners and learn new habits from them. What we as couples need, each and every unique couple, is to learn how to effectively communicate with their specific partner. Specifics are important, feelings are important, and clear, attainable goals are important. (“This makes me feel this way, this is what I need, these are small simple steps that will be meaningful and make me feel this way”). I think feelings and specific actions are both helpful. I know couples counseling can really help people develop good communication habits, but that can also be a hard sell (though I would say “this is to help me learn how to better communicate my needs” over “ugh must fix our relationship”).

My husband and my relationship is constantly evolving. I feel like I have grown a ton , honestly. I know at the start, I had come from a relationship where I had been very passive. It worked for me, it worked for him, but it is not at all what worked for my new relationship and new partner — he was not interested in making allll of the decisions and calling alll of the shots , and I had to learn to contribute, and frankly I feel like I’m a better person now. Evolving to become a better partner is absolutely reasonable. Complete character change, nah. But learning habits to help make your partner happy and better meet their needs is a fundamental aspect to a good relationship

It's not wrong at all to crave that from your partner! We're all human, and you shouldn't feel bad or guilty for wanting more romance and romantic gestures. Everyone has given such great advice already, and I echo their statements! Have a sit down conversation about it and if nothing changes, consider counseling. It's so important that you both understand one another, and make an effort! Someone else mentioned love languages, which I loved! People have different ways of showing their love for others, and understanding your partner's love language can help a lot!

For example, I crave physical touch and quality time, whereas my FH is more about gift giving and gestures. He knows I'm more physical, so he doesn't turn me down if I ask to cuddle, but at the same time, I know and understand that he doesn't like his neck touched lol. If I get frustrated that he's not giving me the physical attention I need, and I start to feel down about myself, I remember "Oh he did the laundry and folded it all today to help me" or "He cooked dinner alone tonight and let me relax and watch TV". It's all about give and take.

Relationships are ever changing, and I think that you have to be open and honest about what you want, and what's been frustrating or hurting you. You owe yourself that, but they also need to know how you feel!

My husband is affectionate but doesn’t think of cutesy gifts, etc. and I’m not really sure a lot of men do. Even for holidays, I spell out exactly what I want for a gift in a list. Do I wish he could come up with the idea himself? Absolutely, but that’s just not him. He did it once when we first started dating and bought me the wrong size and color Ugs and the look on my face was horrible when I opened the wrong thing - I wish I could go back and change that entire moment! I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband on what your expectations are. If you want more romantic connection, tell him and spell it out - I wish you planned more dates, showed more affection, etc. A marriage is a partnership and being able to communicate with each other is key!

I second what other people have said, that your feelings are totally valid— but if your husband has never been romantic than it’s unrealistic to expect him to be much more romantic. But some compromise is OK to expect. He loves , tou

View Quoted Comment This! I don’t want to change him, ofc not! But love is getting uncomfy and breaking habits ! Very well said. May consider counseling, thank you!

View Quoted Comment So true. Which is funny you mention being open because I’ve been making a conscious effort to do so. Will def work harder on that and I really do feel it could be effective. Thanks so much

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It's tough, especially if your spouse isn't wanting to be open with you like you are with them. I hope you can both work on this together and make some progress. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment Understood, I just don’t know I’m trying to change him per se. I’ve made a few sacrifices and became uncomfortable to do things he likes or talk about things I genuinely don’t enjoy and I’m just not sure if I’m getting across to him that I’m not trying to recode his genetic wiring rather but meet me in the middle with the little realistic expectations I have of him 😂. Though perhaps a third party would add a little more perspective to not only him but me as well.

A lot of guys respond well to direct instructions and are terrible at picking up on hints. I'd suggest just directly saying, "Hey, I planned date night last time. Can you plan one for this week?" Or make it a tradition that you each take turns making dinner, buying a small gift, whatever works for you. It may take some of the spontaneous romance out of the equation, but it's the thought that counts. The more clear you can be on your expectations the better, he's not a mind reader and may not even know you feel this way. Hope that helps!