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Savvy December 2019

Is it wrong to ….

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Storm, on June 16, 2021 at 11:08 PM

The question I have is very simple, but bear with me as I may add some context to better aide your understanding.

Is it wrong to just crave romance from your husband? I’ve read hundreds of articles and the short answer is “yes”. Maybe I just don’t want to hear it but I’m just like why must I back burner a want w something so simple.
Context: I am a helpless romantic and my husband is not lol. Far from it, lol. Now I understand there’s more ways to show romance than to buy gifts, have surprises, plan dates etc. but he doesn’t do any of those things either. I pay the bills, buy the groceries, pay for pretty much everything and I just ask that he pays his bills and go from there.
Now, I’ve taken the advice from all of the blogs and forums I’ve read on how to deal with a romantically impaired spouse—- romanced him how I’d want to so he will maybe pick up on some cues, told him verbally, shared all types of links, memes, ideas, I plan the dates and all. I don’t mean to be selfish in anyway bc I’d do it over and over again as I see it makes him happy, but someone explain to me, why I am in the wrong for just not wanting to “get over it”. When you put it like that, it feels as though my feelings aren’t valid and I should’ve known from the get go that he wasn’t romantic. I just always feel like when given opportunity, people can change. I’ve created that safe space for him and Idk what else to do.
Any help, or is this just a loss cause? I’m starting to think I’ll just have to forever feel like I have to get over it and have waves of frustration wash over me when I vocalize my problems and it falls on deaf ears. I don’t ask for much, just wish I could get a little romance in return ..

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27 Comments

Dedicated September 2021
K · on June 17, 2021 at 10:02 AM
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He should be able to meet you in the middle… but the middle might be considerably less romantic than you want it to be.

My fiancé and I are like this and I have reworked the lens I’m looking at it through.
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Dedicated September 2021
K · on June 17, 2021 at 10:04 AM
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Hm, i never finished my response so I didn’t realize it posted.

I was going to say, try to look at it through the lens of, “what does he do to express romance/affection “? I started doing that with my fiancé and now I realize he is incredibly romantic, he just doesn’t show it in the ways that I always expected. And it makes me love and appreciate him more.
We also have physical touch in common as a love language though. If you aren’t getting any kind of affection in your own primary love language, you guys need to work on that
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on June 17, 2021 at 10:55 AM
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Ha! Yes…. It was WAY too lengthy. But I could SOOO relate to it firsthand. I’ve shared my story with others (men and women) struggling with similar marital issues. You’re definitely not wrong or the only one experiencing that situation. It’s just that most don’t want to admit it outwardly.

I do agree we can’t change one another, per se. It has to be an internal desire. Each person involved has to WANT to work on improving certain areas that fulfill or bring joy to the other person. That’s part of marriage. After divorcing, I did a lot of reflecting and the funny analogy of a car came to mind. I feel that a large part of marriage is like car maintenance for one another. We should be looking out for one another and helping to fill each other’s “gas tanks” in order to keep each other going. To assist with maintenance under each other’s hoods to help keep the cars (marriage) running properly. It’s a continuous cycle. But it should be a desire and not a burden.
So that’s my visual of marriage being “work“. It’s working to keep each other going in ways that each one needs. We all know what happens if gas tanks aren’t filled or if you don’t get oil changes or skip regular maintenance. Even worse is the damage that is done if you let any of those things go on for too long. Sometimes the damage is fixable and other times it may be irreparable. Blessings to you as well!
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Dedicated November 2021
Veronica · on June 18, 2021 at 10:13 AM
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I agree. I feel like this is something that should have been addressed before getting married. People generally don't change overnight, so there had to have been some indication of his lack of a romantic side. I suggest couple's counseling. Maybe an impartial 3rd party will help him understand if you talking to him hasn't.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on June 19, 2021 at 1:06 PM
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Are you familiar with love languages ? People express love differently. I crave physical touch, and my husband is more of an "acts of service" type of guy. But without knowing and communicating our needs, it would be easy to feel like we aren't expressing love always. For example, someone who constantly bought me gifts would be a turn off (to me it would feel like the person was trying to buy my love) but others would love it!
My husband is very sweet but not romantic. He is never going to plan some grand gesture of his affection for me. He would, if I asked him to, and was specific about what I wanted, but its just not in his nature to do romantic things on his own.
Its okay to ask for what you want, but you need to be concrete and not just say "I wish you did something romantic." You'll need to explicitly say "I want you to pick a nice restaurant for dinner and have us get dressed up and you buy me flowers" etc. Communication is really important for relationships.
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Just Said Yes August 2021
Michelle · on June 23, 2021 at 6:10 PM
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AWWWW BOO. MY HUBBY IS THE SAME WAY..VERY INTROVERTED AND ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT "EVERYONE AINT LIKE YOU BAE..YOU CANT EXPECT ME TO BE LIKE YOU"... BUT HE COMES AROUND EVENTUALLY BECAUSE HE LIKES TO BE HELD AS WELL..LOL... SO I WILL JUST GIVE IT SOME TIME AND LET HIM COME AROUND TO IT ..THEN AGAIN... IT MAY BE JUST WHO HE IS AS A PERSON, SND YOU ARE JUST HAVING A HARD TIME ACCEPTING THAT..HE MAY HAVE MISSED THAT SENSE OF AFFECTION FROM SOME POINT IN HIS LIFE...DIG DEEPER INTO HIM AND REMOVE YOUR SELF FROM THE SITUATION.
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Savvy September 2021
C · on June 27, 2021 at 1:20 PM
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We take turns planning date nights for each other - rotating by week. We're both pretty busy and it was helpful to us to have at least a scheduled date night each week. Plus it's a fun way for each person to introduce different things that are fun/romantic to them.
Maybe try introducing a couples games for just the 2 of you? Maybe something like " Talk, Flirt, Dare"?
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