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Dedicated June 2018

It happened: removing a bridesmaid

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Sc, on February 18, 2018 at 5:39 PM

So I had 3 bridesmaids and 1 maid of honor. I asked all of them by September so they would have plenty of time to make arrangements as theee are out of state. I picked out the more dresses on Jan 3rd and sent all of the information. One voiced her concern about paying for the dress and I told her I would pay whatever difference she needed. I am covering lodging for bridesmaids the night before and told her our venue has rooms included and she could have one on the night of if she needed. Well she finally went to get her dress this weekend-which is ridiculous because without rush ordering it would get here a week before the wedding. She texted me-not a phone call-and says she is sorry but the dress shop said with alterations and everything the dress would be too expensive and she needs that money for her children. I completely understand and responded asking what I can do to help. No response, nothing. I intended to give her time but her silence has really, really hurt me and I’ve interpreted it as she no longer wants to be a part of my wedding. I haven’t said anything to her yet because I don’t know what to say. And I’m strongly considering not even inviting her to the wedding because it would cost just as much for her to travel 3 hours as a guest as it would to practically be in my wedding. I need advice on how to handle this.

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45 Comments

Super August 2019
Bianca · on February 18, 2018 at 7:17 PM
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You did everything you could and it’s difficult when a friend who has made a commitment backs down.

I think you should just let her come to the wedding but relieve her of her bridesmaid duties before things go any further. Also, I’m sorry to see that so many people on here are doubting that you asked her about her budget; WeddingWire gets a little cutthroat sometimes lol.
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Expert June 2018
Denise · on February 18, 2018 at 7:18 PM
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This exactly! These were my exact thoughts.
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VIP September 2017
MrsMcK · on February 18, 2018 at 7:19 PM
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It's wrong because you picked a dress that wasn't in everyone's budget. Why did you even ask for a budget?
Don't uninvite her. That would be very hurtful and I'm sure it would finish off what's left of your friendship.
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Dedicated June 2018
Sc · on February 18, 2018 at 7:24 PM
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Fair enough assumption. Referencing back to my original post: it was communicated that if the dress with alterations, etc put her over budget I would pay the difference. The number she gave me yesterday is $100 over what every single bridesmaid has paid for their dress. I don’t know where that number came from but that discrepancy is what put her over her budget and I would imagine it has come down to trying to get the dress with 100 days to go. I’m not responsible for that. And I wouldn’t treat my friends like they don’t matter.
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Super July 2018
FutureMrsN14 · on February 18, 2018 at 7:27 PM
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I would say talk to her and ask her if she would rather be a guest, then invite her even if you are positive she won’t come due to expenses. Let her make the decision to decline or not. You did what you could!
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Dedicated June 2018
Sc · on February 18, 2018 at 7:30 PM
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I appreciate those of you who took time to actually answer my post and give helpful advice. There really isn’t a need to try to bash me because I didn’t do anything that disregarded what she could pay for. I simply asked for advice on how to proceed with handling this so we don’t lose our friendship. I understand she might be embarrassed and it took a lot for her to communicate that to me. yesterday she sent a text telling me the dress was too much, somehow $100 over what everyone else paid.
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Devoted March 2018
Marie · on February 18, 2018 at 9:07 PM
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I think you should give her the benefit of doubt and let het know you understand. Tell her how important she is to you and ask if there is anything you can do to help her be a part of your special day because having her there is important to you. I don't know how you would feel offering her financial help to get there, only you know and understand your friendship. Show you care because you are coming across as though you do. Just my thoughts....
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Devoted December 2018
FutureMrs.A · on February 18, 2018 at 9:51 PM
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You don’t need to explain yourself to people on this forum. You did your best and she’s not responsive. I think you need to have an honest conversation with her. If she won’t, then that’s not your problem. But if she didn’t even order the dress at this point, it likely won’t come in in time so she knows she won’t have the dress or be in the wedding. You should probably still invite her but definitely don’t offer to pay for anything. I’d be surprised if she came though from what it sounds like. Try not to stress out because that’s not fair to you. I’m sorry you have to deal with this stuff. I wish people were just honest upfront about whether or not they have the ability to save money and be in a wedding. I’m not sure why people think ignoring problems is worse.
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VIP November 2018
ISaidHallYes · on February 18, 2018 at 10:10 PM
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Serious question.... I’ve been in a ton of weddings and never once was a budget brought up to me. I’ve asked my sister and again no one has ever asked a budget. I’ve had 60 dollar dresses and 500 dollar dresses. This is the exact reason I told mine to buy whatever black dress they wanted so they could get whatever they wanted and feel comfortable! But is it actually a thing to ask this?
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Dedicated October 2018
jcdb · on February 18, 2018 at 10:48 PM
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I would bet she is embarrassed about her financial struggles. Probably disappointed that she can’t be a part of it. Who knows, there might be some other personal stuff she is dealing with behind the scenes she doesn’t want to burden you with.
I would still invite her and let her make the call regarding if she’s able to afford the trip.
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Super July 2018
FutureMrsN14 · on February 18, 2018 at 10:49 PM
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Honestly, I’ve never been asked either and I’ve been in 6 weddings. I’ve only had to pay $100-200 per dress though, plus alterations. I feel like maybe it’s just known within my group to stay in that range? Idk! I would never think of asking my girls to pay $500! I loved a dress for $260 and chose something else because I felt it was way too much...
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Dedicated June 2018
Sc · on February 19, 2018 at 7:40 AM
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Gillian thank you for this. I really think this all comes down to the extra expenses for trying to get a dress ordered at the last minute. In addition, she said "finding a place to stay would all be too expensive". So, regardless of some of the comments on this post it really isn't the cost of the dress. I think maybe there are other issues going on she is not comfortable sharing right now, because I am taking care of a place for my bridesmaids to stay and that has been communicated several times to her. I genuinely care about her and don't want to pry. I interpret her silence as "I don't want to be a bridesmaid" but I will reach out and tell her she if she is more comfortable attending as a guest I understand. I know this isn't about anything I did or didn't do-I haven't questioned anyone about throwing any of the typical showers/parties because I don't want one. I haven't made unusual requests. I am paying for their hair and makeup the day of. I didn't "not listen" to anyone about their budget or anything else. This really isn't fair to me as we have 115-ish days to go so asking someone else wouldn't be right and I really wanted her to be by my side.
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Super July 2018
FutureMrsN14 · on February 19, 2018 at 9:16 AM
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That is crazy! I wouldn’t be down with that either...
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Beginner May 2018
Jena · on February 19, 2018 at 9:16 AM
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The most likely situation, since SC (the bride) asked for budgets and found a dress within those, is that the bridesmaid changed her budget after the dress was chosen. As well, the bridesmaid waited to get the dress so she probably spent any money that she could have used for the dress. The bridesmaid had plenty of notice and time to save if she was concerned. All in all, it looks more like the bridesmaid's problem than the bride's. SC did everything should could by finding a dress within budget, offering to help pay for it, and pay for accommodations which she certainly didn't have to do. The bridesmaid had the chance to not be a charity case, but she didn't take it. SC- you do what you have to to save your friendship, but don't stress too much over this. The solution will come whether you are looking for it or not.
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Devoted May 2018
Anna · on February 19, 2018 at 10:01 AM
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Wow wow & wow people on here are ridiculous! if you say yes you’ll be a bm - common sense tells you that you have things you have to pay for so enough with blaming the bride. your bm is an adult & yes she has kids- she could’ve declined. you have been very considerate & thoughtful imo. idk any bride that has ever cared about any concerns any bm has ever brought to them- so at least you care. shame on everyone for treating you like you did something wrong. i would definitely call her & say it’s not a big deal, you understand & you’d love it if she could come & leave it at that. you shouldn’t be expected to cover lodging etc. hope that helps.
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Super January 2019
Tracy · on February 19, 2018 at 10:05 AM
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If you want to save the friendship, call her, tell her you love her, and ask for the person she worked with at the shop so you can call and order her dress. Tell her you are sorry to have put her in an uncomfortable position and to please allow you to do this for her.

Or, "be right"...in that she waited too long, is to blame for this mess, and lose a friend.

If you really want her there, and want to keep her friendship you'll need to "fall on the sword" as I like to call it. Otherwise, let her go.
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VIP November 2018
ISaidHallYes · on February 20, 2018 at 7:35 AM
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I know right! I’ve had one well over 300 as well. Then add on the shoes and to get them dyed. No one has ever asked for a budget before. This is something I had never heard of but makes perfect sense to do so because I remember really not wanting to spend that on a dress. I like bargains. My one bridesmaids found hers on amazon for 30 dollars!
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Just Said Yes May 2020
Emely · on January 21, 2020 at 1:53 PM
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Omggggg exactly !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just Said Yes May 2020
Emely · on January 21, 2020 at 1:55 PM
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As a new user, I come here to get advice ( as did you) and its sooo dissapointing to see just how close minded people are and how they bash you rather than understand whats being asked. I hope you had an amazing wedding ---- with or without her.
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