It's been 3 years and no proposal, contemplating moving on?

I am 6 years, 3 months older than my DH.

I waited 6 1/2 years for him to propose, we got married after being together 7 years. He wasn't yet 23 when we met, so it took him a good long time to be ready for marriage. That didn't mean he didn't love me! It just meant, he needed to feel more sure of himself *as a person* and ready for the next big step (as in, TTC). Which he wasn't for a bit.

Yes, it was frustrating, for me, being in my 30s for most of our relationship. But I knew he was worth the wait.

You have to decide if he's worth the wait.

Oh - and don't focus on the cost of the ring.

You are 25, you have SO much time!

I was dating my fiance for 12 years before he proposed.... so some guys just take time. If its such an important thing for you to get married then just buy a ring and propose yourself. Personally I feel you cant push someone to propose ... even picking a ring yourself seems a bit odd to me tbh. Choosing a ring you "want" is not the most mature or subtle way to approach this. Like if money is a concern for him(even if he has it he might prefer spending it on something else) a 3k ring request might make him worry of what kind of wedding you expect. I mean you can live together, have kids together.... all without marriage. And why is it wasted time invested? I mean you enjoy your life together right? Marriage nowadays is not guarantee for forever either. If you have things to "work on" that worry him then suggest couples therapy or find out what he is feeling needs work... But if its such a big deal to you then just get a ring and propose to him. If he says no and marriage is super important for you well then you know its time to move on I guess. Seems silly to me to leave someone you love (I mean how lucky you found that person) on the basis of a missing proposal/ marriage though, but each to their own...

Take it from someone who did this exact thing (giving an ultimatum, making MY plan his plan etc)...We were divorced within 5 years and I am now engaged to be married again. If YOU are ready right now and he isn't, either stick it out until you both are ready or move on. It's ultimately about what makes you happy and only you know what you're willing to accept. My current fiance and I have been together 5 years and will be getting married in 5 months. We were both married before so we understood what being ready at the same time meant. Please also understand that marriage requires patience. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want to marry you, more so timing. I wish you the best.

By the time we get married we will be together for 10 years and living together for 8. Although our reasons and circumstances for waiting a long time are a bit different than yours, I did let him know that after he was done with school and started his career I was expecting to get married soon afterwards. Setting that kind of timeline helped because I didn't pressure him to propose or get married while he was studying and getting his stuff together but made it known that when he was done I would be expecting us to start planning for marriage and the next steps in life together and it worked out.

I and my FH have been together for over 8 years and this the 2nd time we have been engaged with each other. I didn't realize I pressured him to propose the 1st time and I can see how us getting married around that time would've most likely ended in a divorce with all the crazy happenings and multiple separations. This time around when he proposed this year on my 26th Birthday it felt completely right. We were in a better place, we are on the same page, we don't frequently argue, and we don't say thing hurtful things to each other a COMPLETE 360 from where we were from the 1st proposal.

If marriage is important to you especially as you are getting into your mid-late 20s you are entitled to your feelings and are entitled to not wait around for someone to marry you or waste your time. However, take it from someone who has been there, pressuring someone to marry you, (especially when they always knew they were going to marry you) when they are not 100% ready for that level of commitment is a terrible idea.

Like other PPs have said talk to him about what needs to be worked on that he claims and see if it's something that can be worked on while you are on the road to get married or is in need of some type of counseling since it seems you both aren't really moving forward in the next step of your relationship.

I honestly don't think you should close a relationship just because he isn't ready. If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. I mean I would recommend proposing to him, and seeing where things go from there. However, you shouldn't force things.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful input! I've been praying about it a lot and we've had some talks and I've deduced that I just need to be a bit more patient.
A few days after posting this he was joking about which ring I had been looking at and dropped some hints that marriage is on his mind. I honestly couldn't see myself with anyone else and have realized I need to work on my patience for the right timing.

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful feedback
Erica

Hi Erica,

This indeed is a difficult situation, but since you asked.... This is a test, if you both cannot get through these issues then yes move on, however you may believe that 3 years is a long time to be with someone without that commitment you so desire. His behavior shows that he may not be ready for such a commitment and it is fine for him to feel that way. Marriage is a huge step for anyone and the fact that you both get into tiffs and you are reedy to turn in the towel, then I would suggest re-evaluating your mind-set as well. He may be afraid of failing you or even himself. Is there divorce in his family?? I have been with my now fiancé -February will make 10 years... Though we are an older couple and both previously married, we want to ensure we don't place ourselves in situations that we were both in with our previous marriages. We have cultivated a great relationship. My love 3 years is really not that long. ( Biological clock I get it) Communicate with him your hearts desire and concerns... ask him why or what is being said in your conversations that makes him feel that when you have discord why he believes you are not ready? There is more to it... BUT, if you are ABSOLUTELY sure you don't want to wait then that choice is yours.... Many factors are here which requires more thought process and conversations. If he is not able to express his feelings, seek counseling to assist to get to the bottom of it. If he's not willing then that's another concern. My apologies for this long winded reply. Remember , your spouse ENHANCES your life, NOT your life.... You have to really think about your happiness, Be happy with yourself FIRST and foremost, for once you are happy you are able to be happy with someone by your side...

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Perfect advise!

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Oh great!

I just saw this. I am so pleased to read this,

I CAN RELATE AND ALSO GIVE ADVICE MY RELATIONSHIP COUNCILER WAS HELPFUL HOPE THIS HELPS.
I let my boyfriend move in after 4 months dating and Pandemic on the horizon. I thought we were on the same page to. I'm 38 he's 36 and yet everything we agreed and said we were looking for in a relationship, that I was not looking to wait around forever for marriage, and had absolutely no interest in a guy who couldn't like me be a breed winner in the relationship 50/50.
At 36 I didn't want someone that smoked either with my immune comprised health and wanted an upbeat healthy lifestyle, I wanted a serious committed relationship and not be jaded by a manchild who is insecure and won't step up.
I wanted like other women a solid relationship where we both would take care of the pets we have brought with us into the relationship and to feel like a priority. That I'm not putting in all the effort and house bills would need to be split if he moves in, as I didn't like the ideal of a guy moving in and not paying his own weight and living off me rent free.
At the beginning everything was great till I'd remind him to help with the bills, till 1 year in I brought up 'Where are we in this relationship?' 'Are you seeing us moving forward 'together as an announced couple' anytime soon', I understand the Pandemic 'However its been well over a year and I know you remember the reasons why we got together and are we on the same page or are you not wanting to commit in moving forward as I'm ready', You know we aren't getting any younger I would remind him that I was not going to wait around for 3+ years to get himself together and propose.YeP then the 'Mens insecure excuse would come up', and he'd say well "I pay for this or that.... so not like we can afford to get married" yes a Red Flag. I'd have to call him out show him the statements that we both pay equal on groceries and other needed things, so nice try step up or get out. It only get worse quality time what a joke he'd be playing video games and I would turn off tv and walk away and say 'when you want to make 'US' a priority come find me'. He'd get angry, say "Your incompetent in the relationship" oh really coming from the guy who drags his feet on helping with financial stuff. His tactics was to name call and blame me for every argument, get defensive and blame me for being mean and that I'm overreacting. This is a Red Flag a tactic called Gaslighting when they don't want to take any responsibility that they are the problem and want to boost their ego, while making you feel worthless and undeserving and that your not good enough....including for that 💍 they won't change and will never own up and that behavior is relationship abuse by him putting you down instead of raising you and the relationship up. When I kindly said put your phone away at the table, while we are doing stuff because that's time to be spent together and your being rude by gaming instead of being committed to time with pets and me. He'd start half a year in smoking after he said when we 1st meet he didn't I said smoke outside my house so his whole tactic was to get a place to stay and not pay a dime for it, and then when I'd call it and his smoking out he'd say "its our house" to gain control with ego in the argument and say we are living together don't see a problem" that is another Red Flag. I'd remind the manchild he pays no rent no utilities no internet I do and its a house through my family. Its been a year 6 months of being together and he will never own up his behavior, insecurities and when I say 'if you want to complain one minute about financial issue on your side to blame me for you buying groceries or fixing issue of house, then the next you want to go on a ski trip or invest in a pipe dream your wasting time in this relationship and are not financially ready and have lied to me from day one on your finances you have some your keeping to escape if the fake-relationship fails and had no intention to make things work or settle down and propose 💍 to me. Never ever be afraid to call him out, especially if he's humiliated you and said "Your the reason" do it in front of his family do it once you have the evidence and can call the more cons then pros on his part out, see how quickly he tries to change the tune and his family might know something he's not telling you if you choose to call him out in front of them. He knew I wanted at least 2 kids of my own before I turned 42 and had every expectation as he lead me and my family to 'Believe' when we 1st talked about our goals. That through us we would get engaged in two years of meeting and at end of this year or nex we'd get married, get a bigger house, I'd rent this small bungalow home out.
Now I find he's a lier and makes things up just to try and like a manchild keep you in the relationship have you cater to his every whim, pick up after him like a maid and yet not meet the needs of the woman. And those promises were just to use you and get you to be in some forum of codependent in terms of trusting his words of love, adoration and 'so called commitment and relationship goals' all a smoke screen to keep you playing along with his "Lets Play House but behind it all no Marriage no 💍 Engagement" just to let him move in.
When arguments happen its his god forbid "Never My Fault" "If You'd Only Listen Or Do What I Ask" , "This Is Why Your Not Ready To Be Engaged", "This Is Why I Don't Think You'll Ever Be Ready To Have A Child" all of that is insecure bs and verbal abuse to boost his ego and get you to shut up and submit under his control of what he wants over what you want in a relationship Kick Him Out after strike 3. All of this are red flags, he's not thinking about you guys, instead its a ploy because when you call him out in any kinda way. He's worried he'll be found out for the insecure manchild he is. He believes all you care about is marriage whether he's part of the picture...but is not interested or not.That though you may be ready for that Ring and after start a family, even if your agreement to let him move in was based on time frame. He's just not ready to commit fully to that si he makes excuses and plays the blame game to stall the relationship from moving forward.
At this point its no longer about the 'both of you' and 'your needs'. Its about this guys ego and what floats his boat.This you like me are dealing with. A man who had fun enjoyed a relationship up to a point, but actually had no intention to move forward with you in his life. Now he's blaming you and making excuses for his manchild insecure actions because everyone can see its not you that's the problem Red Flag.
Even with counseling he may be to far gone, he'll try and distance you from family and friends who see what's going on to control you and the relationship blame game narrative so 'Be Careful, Vigilant' and if you have to others you trust to validate the situation, and they all say leave, trust them. If enough agree it means they know you and they know he is no good. From what you tell us. he's using you and being a manipulative Narrcisct in the relationship.
His words are abusing you and your trust to point, the more you put up with his behavior 3 years now and blaming you for why he won't propose. His goal is to 'keep playing mind games, till you can't seperate truth from reality and that's exactly what he wants....make you think your in a healthy happy relationship and put up with him when its as toxic as it gets Run don't stay'.
FACT#Ones true close friends, they will never will tell you what you want to hear only the Truth, while he your boyfriend controls you to make you stay with lies. No they will tell you the truth, even if its harsh reality to swallow, and you don't want to hear it....because the boyfriend hopes you won't go to others for advice or validate that the relationship on his end was all bs.


He like many men pretend to be isint invested in you at the beginning, then when you guys settle into a rountine your needs and wants don't matter anymore, but he thinks his only do.
Unlike your boyfriend. Your true-loyal friends will look out for your happiness and well-being and calm it for what it is. However its up to you to stay or walk. Right now sounds to me he's toying with your judgement and emotions....trust your gut instinct.
He's just waiting for a way out and as a player "Loved Playing House But Marriage" was never for him nor his end game. I'd way pro's and con's take a relationship break, get counseling and give him an Ultamaitum. 'You deserve better than this scam heart breaking artist insecure gaslighting manchild'.
Sure you guys have the money, but in all after 2 years and he still won't pop the question, or for others want to start trying for a baby when they know that's what you guys, more so you wanted at beginning of the relationship and you expected a 💍 and to by now move forward. Then its time to ghost him as your wants and needs are being unvalued, the time frame you or you both set is no longer his priority.
And tell him to 'Step up be a man get counseling and propose by such time or your not wasting any more time!' with a sorry excuse of an insecure manchild leading you on and that 'you deserve better than what he is willing to put in to the relationship!' No woman should wait forever and waste valuable time with an insecure manchild. He sounds like one and they hide their intentions and lead you on, tell you what you want to hear, play house for awhile. However as soon as he starts devaluing your wants and needs, blames you and uses the Red Flag insecure men who never wanted to truly settle down"Your Not Ready Card" .
Well then its time to rethink the relationship seriously. He is using your wanting to be in a relationship as if your a 'charity case and indulging you without willing to follow through in engagement and marriage as end game, he's trying to see how long you'll put up with this.
Let me ask you this, Do you love him and can't live without out him? Does he feel the same. If he can see himself with/without you then he is a lost cause. Don't let him waste more of your time with marriage not being an end game on his part, as his "Your Not Ready" is an excuse to keep things the way they are and not wanting to meet your wants and needs including that engagement 💍 you want. Even if suddenly now everything is at a stand still, it goes against what you want and thought you both were on the same page clearly he was misleading you and his comments are a forum of bullying to justify his refusing to marry you.
No I'd give him either a relationship break up to 3 months and tell him 'He needs to soul search because if he is not taking you seriously, and if he can't reevaluate his misguided blame that was towards you, won't look at his own self, won't stop blaming you for his insecurities and doesn't plan anytime soon to move forward with engagement or also after the Hiastu give an Ultamaitum and then if he chooses not to follow through on that he's gone.'

Tell him your done with the 'Blame Game Stalling Excuses' and he needs to grow up or get out!' plain and simple.If he is saying your the reason why he won't propose after an argument, then he is not ready to step up, stand by your side, yes relationships have ups and downs. But a fight is never one person's fault and putting you down is not a healthy relationship "Never forget that".
Its hard I know men these days babied by their mommy dearest expect a subservient-maid regardless if you work to take care of his needs and wants. However after a 1+ of time with him. This is unacceptable and he needs to step up. Yet when its time to move forward everything on his part like a insecure manchild grinds to a hault.
If you begin to question the relationship along with his true intentions, if his feelings and treatment towards you looks Controlling, Emotionally-Degrading 'regardless if its on/off in the relationship and in arguments not all the time its domestic abuse on his part', if he acts like Narccistic-dominating, if it looks like Gaslighting and not how he was at beginning. Then you have your answer time to walk 'all circumstances are a (Red Flag on him, and in no way your fault, is not on your end, NO but on his.)
As long as you guys were playing house and you didn't bring up engagement, wedding funny how everything was fine with 'just him'. But when your done with his keeping things from not moving forward, want that 💍that 'I DO!' and tired of playing play house. After all that now his behavior changes and he's defensive with no intention after 2+ years of being together and blames you for not willing to propose and end game marriage you need to walk. Its a Big Red Flag if he can't see that its not your problem but his.'Then he needs to find another woman who will play house and put up with it because you deserve better.'
Anyhow hope this helps.
Right now my boyfriend to stay in my House he has signed a relationship break agreement, part of which he has to get help for his gaming addiction and also his behavior if he wants to start the relationship over and make it work. 2nd he also must pay two bills each month and room and board or he's out. At the end of 3 months either he changes for the better and we try again to move forward or he's gone no ands ifs or buts.
Wish you good luck!

I understand where you're coming from, but you have to understand he may be "just not ready for a lifelong commitment" or to put the money down for that right now. Honestly, everyone I've known has been dating for over 6 years before they got engaged.

You don’t want to be with someone who is not excited to marry you, trust me on this. It’s a sad life, and you will always be on your toes wondering if you are good enough.

I don't think there's anything wrong with setting up a deadline, I did the same with my husband, I told him that we've been dating for 6 years, we've lived together for 2, I think we're both ready to take this next step in our lives. I was 24, he was 25. I let him know straight up that if we didn't do this now, than when would we?

Though at the same time I wouldn't try to rush things, you're both only been dating for 3 years, give it some time.

Fwiw, I didn't live with my fiance before marriage and the first time we had sex was on our wedding night, and even though we are young, he didn't drag his feet. He was nervous when we first talked about marriage, so we waited a bit and talked again. But it was absolutely understood that nothing was moving forward past a certain point without a ring.


I know this is controversial and not for everyone. But of my friends/family who live together first, at least half have foot-dragging fiances. We had to BEG my cousin to finally propose to his live-in girlfriend of 5 years, and he's in his mid-30s.
Of my group of friends at the church, who don't live together or have sex, there are zero foot-draggers. None. If the relationship isn't working or they aren't on the same page or the man isnt ready to commit, the relationship ends and everyone moves on.
I think the relationship ending can be sad, but I would much rather be dumped than have to beg my boyfriend to marry me and make threats to move out, which is where a lot of my friends and family find themselvez.

I know this situation all to well. I'm now 39 I wanted to be married by my 40th birthday was that to much to ask, especially since a year and half ago after 3 months dating I believed he was the man I'd marry. We both love our pets we brought with us to this relationship. However I'm always paying the bills to rent the home we cohabitate in, along with maintaining the house 95% of the time. I feel Jaded. I let him move thinking he was an grown man. But once he moved in within a few months his true self a guy that wanted a mother-maid not a girlfriend showed. He wouldn't help with anything for the house. So when I paid it all and vet bills, along with my car insurance and internet. He'd get mad because that leave me with little left. Tha means that's where he'd have to stop being an manchild and gamer addict and step up to help, well he didn't like the idea of being in a relationship where everything would be split down the middle and refused to help till my finances were tight thanks to him not helping, yet he now lives in same house as I. Every time I'd call his behavior or attention out he'd gaslight the situation and even refuse, thats right refuse like a stubborn child to admit he done me wrong. He'd say" you want to get married your incompetent at doing the folding of laundry, dishes 'That he let pile up in sink' , cleaning like how my mom he'd say does hers, so I don't think you qualify, or the your not able to listen and do as your told 'in my house I'm renting' so I will not propose to you because I deserve better and your not ready to be a wife I'll never marry someone like you." Then tear me down to make his ego feel good and blame me for everything in the argument. Had I'd known this was how he'd be I'd head for the hills ans kick him out within the 1st 3 months save my heart the grief. He wanted a woman he could disrespect and not apologize to, I'd sag you need to get help for your behavior and gaming addiction' , he'd just go off and say this is why I don't think your ready for marriage. I have decided he's 36 I'm 39 to bethe bigger person in each fight and have had enough. I will never accept a proposal till he gets his sh## together and grows the f### up. If he can't propose by my birthday next year I will kick him out and move on single and be done with men. If he does trt to propose I will treat him the way he treats me and say "Your not ready because you don't respect all that I do for you, you won't help with the bills and want a mother-maid servant, not a girlfriend and definitely not a wife....then walk away leaving him with all eyes on him for the a###### he is.

Do you love him or are you with him cuz you think he will propose and marry you? It would be weird to walk away from the love of your life because he didn’t pop a question... IMO

My FH waited 6 long, arduous, years before he proposed. He dragged his feet siting financial reasons, to move in together, but we finally did after almost 5 years.

He told me he had been planning to propose in 2019 but a bunch of family tragedies followed by covid made him feel like he couldn't fully enjoy being engaged to me. I had been ready to marry after 3 years of dating and I wanted to have children before my 30s and I was SO tired of waiting. This last year, after we moved in together- I was MISERABLE wondering WHY ON EARTH he hadn't proposed. People told me to give him an ultimatum but I knew he wouldn't react well to that, and at the end of the day I couldn't imagine having a life without him. I found, in my frustration, that I would have waited for this idiot an entire lifetime - that's how much he means to me.

That's really what it comes down too. Can you picture your life without him or not? Does he give you any reason for you to think he's not committed to you?

View Quoted Comment Omg you really made me cry. This is the most heart felt response I’ve read. It’s complicated and I feel like you’ve spoken to a lot of women with this message, and did some good on spreading some perspective. Thank you so much!

Erica
If he’s worth it - keep the relationship. I was with my now husband 11 years - got married on 5/15/2021. And he is WORTH ALL THE WAIT!!