Jack and Jill gifts

Fundraisers are for charities, not weddings.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, Western Mass native, transplanted to the South. It is pretty common back home but my Southern friends would do the “why bless your heart, isn’t that interesting...” if anyone suggested that!

Hmm I haven't been to a Jack and Jill party before (but have heard of the concept), but usually only local guests are invited to pre-wedding events. You could create a registry and share the link with any family that asks for it, though! If they're local and invited to the party and still ask for the registry link, I'd send it to them with a disclaimer like "Sure, here's the link, just please know your ticket to the party is enough of a present in itself!"

View Quoted Comment Thank you Marianne! That's what I am planning to do. 😁 I have had family members ask for it. Wasn't sure if I should post it anywhere.

View Quoted Comment That is so different I was doing research on it and it is different in other parts of the country.

I'm in New Hampshire just 20 minutes away from the western Mass border (my husband grew up on the NH/MA town line) and have never ever heard of selling tickets to a pre-wedding event. If super common among your social circle, go for it, but if not it just seems really "gift grabby" to me and will likely really throw off anyone not familiar with this tradition. I've definitely heard of Jack and Jill, but only to refer to co-ed showers, and it had nothing to do with selling tickets.

Showers are for giving gifts, so it's kind of assumed that it what happens. Even if I'm inclined to give a cash gift for some event I'm attending, for a shower I feel obligated to buy a physical gift (even if small) so the honoree has something to open because that's the "main event" of a shower. So if guests pay for a ticket and a gift, that seems excessive (I know you said the ticket is "enough" but I think most guests would feel super awkward showing up at a shower empty handed). Additionally, by selling tickets you are literally assigning a minimum price to attend your event, which feels icky to me. The events themselves are supposed to be a celebration and should include your nearest and dearest. There shouldn't be a minimum price to get to celebrate with you. Some guests may only be in a position where they can get you a sweet card or inexpensive gift. When you have a registry, that allows guests to pick a gift for you that they know you like and that matches what they can afford. With a ticket you are essentially mandating your value, which is great for a business model, but not so much for building and supporting personal relationships. But if its a social norm in your world, it sounds like this wouldn't bother many of your guests who are familiar with this tradition.

Anyway, I'd leave the registry off the event invite entirely. Invite those you want. If family are unable to attend and express that they'd still like to get you something, then point them towards your registry. Do not include both ticket price/info and the registry in the same communications at all. Doing so basically obligates people to give you something (either come and pay for tickets or if you don't buy something off our registry), which is never appropriate, and may confuse people into feeling obligated to double gift you, which is also pretty tacky. Also, please assume that anyone who didn't grow up in your area may not be familiar with this tradition because it doesn't seem to be all that common.

View Quoted Comment 😂 100% to all of this. I am a Southern transplant as well (though currently back in the Northeast). Anyone I know in the South would be mortified by the thought. It's one of those things I wouldn't suggest people try to do in a different culture, because it would go over like a lead balloon. But if it is something where people are familiar with it, and it is just "done", then I wouldn't discourage someone from doing it.

View Quoted Comment I noticed too that, at least when I was growing up there, it had a class component. Working class, lower middle class people in some sub cultures have traditions of a sort of “group contribution” to a couple. Some places do barn raising, for example. The Jack and Jill was seen as a way to help pay for a wedding - which itself is often seen as a community event, held at places like the Elks Club, or another civic organization.
Things are SO different now, socially and specifically wedding related. It’s probably a dying tradition, like the dollar dance.

View Quoted Comment Yes this is a real thing... and by your response, it seems highly unlikely you'd be invited to a party like this.. These events are highly popular in some areas aka Connecticut where I am from.. literally everyone does them .. Guys love them because they get to eat, drink beer, party, and have fun. No one is obligated to go and often random people who aren't even coming to the wedding buy tickets and want to come because it's fun and there's prizes, like my dad's coworkers, family friends, etc and it can raise anywhere between $2,500 to $20,000 towards the wedding for the bride and groom...
Tickets to these events are around $25 - $35 ... so if that's your 'entire wedding gift' that sounds highly inappropriate. FYI wedding gifts/money you give at a wedding should be around $150 per person, not $25, so please be mindful of that when giving wedding gifts. 😉

View Quoted Comment Not really sure it's a working class or lower middle class thing.... we're from Connecticut, both have our masters degree, and are pretty well off. It is something that is very common among in our area.... and just because I have the money to pay for the wedding myself doesn't mean I wouldn't want to save $10,000 or $20,000 off the wedding.... have you ever used a coupon at a store.. or bought something on sale ? ... or do you say 'You know what, I have the money for this. I don't want it on sale. Please charge me full price because I have the money for it and can afford full price.'.... that would be ridiculous. It's common here.. maybe more for younger couples, which could be why some people don't understand the concept. We've attended and supported many of these events. Our friends and family (and their friends and family.. literally anyone is invited) will gladly attend ours. They'll drink, eat, play games, win some raffles, and have fun.... you should try it some time. 😊

View Quoted Comment Ok forget the whole jack and jill thing for a second, which I still can't wrap my head around. There is absolutely no minimum requirement when it comes to wedding gifts. What is custom definitely varries from place to place and people should only give what they feel comfortable giving. And others really have no place telling someone else what amount they should give.

View Quoted Comment I wasn’t knocking it, that’s my background, Jack and Jill was common. I didn’t see it in other areas, and was positing that it may play a role. I didn’t realize that they were unusual till I started moving around the US and overseas and met a wider variety of people than I had grown up with.

View Quoted Comment

Huh? Jack and Jill aside, there is no rule that every guest needs to give a minimum of $150 for a wedding gift. Where did you come up with that one? This comes across as quite classist. Who are you to be telling people how much is appropriate to give as a wedding gift? Also, I have lots of friends who live in Connecticut. I also lived in New Haven for 4 years in college. Please me mindful of inappropriately lecturing people on how much they should give as wedding gifts.

Good luck with your wedding fundraiser! I hope you don't have any guests on your invite list who can't afford your $150 per person gift requirement!

View Quoted Comment Just because a lit of people do it does not mean is not tacky ( or downright wrong, as in lots of people beat their wives, with no shame in it, and people in many areas don't report it . a lit if people actually believe in what has been standard etiquette for many years, that you do not ask for money for yourselves for anything but a disaster or serious medical condition. And never to support your own party or celebration. Tacky is a nice term for it. ...Jack and Jill - there are 3 kinds of parties called Jack and Jill showers or parties. The first is also called a couples shower, only couples are invited as guests, and it is for both B and G. ..... Second is a standard shower, but some of the invited guests are men, very close friends of the bride, not invited as a couple. .... Third is Jack and Jills that are fundraisers, raffle tickets, door prizes, other games and drawings to raise a sum of money to them use for funding a wedding or honeymoon. In 4 states all raffles, drawings are illegal, even by charities and small town ir city governments. In 40 more ( last I knew) it is illegal for any private persons or group to fin any games of chance , or any drawing or raffle, or sell any entry ticket to any party or occasion held to raise money in this way, except a limited number and kind of charities, who must receive approval and a permit. ( felony, not misdemeanor, without. They are illegal in Connecticut unless you have a permit and establish that it is a charity, then file after papers that go to the IRS show that 90 % of the funds raised went to the services of the charity, and not to the costs of raising the funds. ... In short, however popular they are, they are illegal for a non charity in 44 states including the entire Northeast and Ohio Valley. If you do not like the word tacky, try Illegal or against the law in most states.
Then, federal law, which forbids them without hearings, fees, without good ( charitable) purpose, and Tax records, by private citizens.
No matter how many in what area of US like to do it.

There are a lot of people who have never heard of these because other people where they live believe the law is right, that such fundraisers should only be done by charities, or individuals raising funds for basic things like medical care and disaster repairs. Not play money for nice but unnecessary weddings and vacations. Is abiding by the law your definition of panties in a bunch?

View Quoted Comment Using a coupon is obviously different than asking people to pay for your wedding reception. I don't believe you don't see the difference


Also around me, it is a social rule that a wedding gift is $150+. It is the reason I would turn down weddings before the forum set me straight. It's a dumb rule. People should gift what they can afford.
Just because people do things doesn't make them not tacky. The garter toss is horrifying, and it's very common. My parents did it. My best friend did it. It still needs to go.

View Quoted Comment

To make 15,000 off one of these selling the highest price ticket (35) you'd need to invite over 450 people to the jack and jill. Are they usually that massive? I feel like just providing food and drinks and prizes for an even that big would cost as much as a small wedding already....so you have to subtract the cost of throwing this massive party from your "profit". If the event is smaller (say 50 people) you're making only 1750 in profit (before deducing the cost of throwing it). I'm confused on how these numbers are supposed to work.

View Quoted Comment

There is no "should" for a wedding gift. How uncouth.

It is not polite to steer other people's gifts like this. If someone asks you for a suggestion, fine. But for everyone else, it is the choice of the giver to decide whether or not to give, and the amount, and whether a physical gift or money. No the recipient. Telling them what to do is presumptuous, and rude.

View Quoted Comment

Would be pretty uncouth to not give a wedding give too.... ?